From the GREAT STATE OF MAINE...
Three Toots for Benjamin Franklin!
Ol' Ben turns 304 Sunday, and C&J takes this moment to remind the world that, in addition to being one of our greatest statesmen and Founding Fathers, he was a titan of science and innovation. His greatest contribution, of course, was in the field of...fart management.
To tweak what he considered the pomposity of Europe's scientific community, in 1781 Franklin wrote an essay destined for---but never sent to---the Royal Academy of Brussels, which had put out a call for bold new scientific ideas. He titled it To the Royal Academy of Farting, and he cut right to the cheese chase:
Were it not for the odiously offensive Smell accompanying such Escapes, polite People would probably be under no more Restraint in discharging such Wind in Company, than they are in spitting, or in blowing their Noses.
My Prize Question therefore should be, To discover some Drug wholesome & not disagreable, to be mix'd with our common Food, or Sauces, that shall render the natural Discharges of Wind from our Bodies, not only inoffensive, but agreable as Perfumes.
After all, writes Franklin, it's not like the technology doesn’t exist to pull it off:
A few Stems of Asparagus eaten, shall give our Urine a disagreable Odour; and a Pill of Turpentine no bigger than a Pea, shall bestow on it the pleasing Smell of Violets. And why should it be thought more impossible in Nature, to find Means of making a Perfume of our Wind than of our Water?
Exactly! Then, after noting that the contributions to civilization from people like Newton, Aristotle and Descartes would be considered "small importance" in comparison to "the Ease and Comfort every Man living might feel seven times a Day, by discharging freely the Wind from his Bowels" in a variety of fine aromas, he closes the deal:
In short, this Invention, if compleated, would be, as Bacon expresses it, bringing Philosophy home to Mens Business and Bosoms. And I cannot but conclude, that in Comparison therewith, for universal and continual UTILITY, the Science of the Philosophers above-mentioned, even with the Addition, Gentlemen, of your "Figure quelconque" and the Figures inscribd in it, are, all together, scarcely worth a FART-HING.
This Sunday, his birthday, we urge all patriotic Americans to show their appreciation for Ben Franklin---one of the most amazing humans ever to break wind on God's green earth---by raising a glass. And lifting a cheek.
(Link via Discoblog)
Your west coast-friendly edition of Cheers and Jeers starts in There's Moreville... [Swoosh!!] RIGHTNOW! [Gong!!]
Cheers and Jeers for Friday, January 15, 2010
Note: Nudie pics on the weather map...tonight on Newscenter at 11!
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By the Numbers:
Days 'til the special election in Massachusetts: 4
Days `til the Maine Lakes Mushers Bowl in Bridgton: 8
Projected amount that lawyers and other advisors will earn from the bankruptcy proceeding of Lehman Brothers: $1.4 billion
(Source: Harper's Index)
Average rate at which America's per capita real GDP has grown since 1980: 1.95%
Average rate at which Europe's's per capita real GDP has grown since 1980: 1.83%
(Source: Paul Krugman)
Estimated percent of traffic accidents caused by people who are either talking on the phone or texting: 28%
(Source: National Safety Council)
Percent chance that Saddam Hussein was responsible for the attacks of September 11, 2001: 100%
(Source: Fox News National Security Analyst Sarah Palin)
And from the Department of Homeland Security:
Days the color-coded federal terror alert system has been in place: 2,866
Days spent at terror alert level Blue or Green: 0
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Puppy Pic of the Day: Man's Haitians' Best Friend
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JEERS and CHEERS to Day 4. The death toll from the earthquake in Haiti is still expected to be around 50,000, and people are getting desperate there. On the plus side, the U.S. cavalry has arrived (backed by robust help from the rest of the world), dramatic rescues are still taking place, the planet is focused like a laser on helping put the country back together, and then there's this:
Celebrities, companies, sports teams and regular Americans are mobilizing to help Haiti with an outpouring of generosity that could exceed private donations made after Hurricane Katrina and the 2004 Asian tsunami. "We're hearing that this is breaking all records," says Sandra Miniutti of Charity Navigator, an independent group that evaluates U.S. charities.
Kossack ALifeLessFrightening has all the relief-agency donation linkys here. Meanwhile, the amount raised for the Buy Rush Limbaugh and Pat Robertson A Conscience fund has also set a record: one dollar.
P.S. It's a big waste and harms the environment, but for the time being bottled water rocks.
CHEERS to President Obama. He's been a busy bee this week: marathon healthcare reform sessions with Congresscritters, Haiti relief coordination, and yesterday he told the nation's biggest banks to put up and shut up. Meanwhile this weekend he's traveling to Massachusetts to (we hope) pull Martha Coakley's ass from the jaws of defeat. So in the midst of this whirlwind of executive-branch activity, and as he approaches his one-year inauguralversary, we'd just like to give him one piece of free advice as he navigates the road ahead: Watch those Boston drivers. They're fuckin' wackos.
JEERS to "Ann Coulter's Favorite Democrat." But cheers to stapling that label on Harold Ford, Jr.'s tuckus as the creepy Tennessean and insufferable boor who causes more people to turn off MSNBC than any other guest including Pat Buchanan considers flip-flopping his way into a U.S. Senate seat from New York. If you haven’t seen Robert Greenwald's devastating two-minute video yet, click here and enjoy. I'm with Markos---I hope he tries to run against Kirsten Gillibrand. It would be a pleasure cutting Ann Coulter's smug little pet to ribbons. And please understand: I say that with a deep sense of love and affection. Bless his heart.
JEERS to turning a deaf ear. On Sunday's date 49 years ago, during his farewell address in 1961, President Eisenhower warned us all against the rise of the "military-industrial complex":
"In the councils of government, we must guard against the acquisition of unwarranted influence, whether sought or unsought, by the military-industrial complex. The potential for the disastrous rise of misplaced power exists and will persist.
We must never let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties or democratic processes. We should take nothing for granted. Only an alert and knowledgeable citizenry can compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty may prosper together."
Let's see how that's working out, shall we? It seems we did let the weight of this combination endanger our liberties and democratic processes. We did took it for granted. And we the ignorant and apathetic citizenry did not compel the proper meshing of the huge industrial and military machinery of defense with our peaceful methods and goals, so that security and liberty are now fighting like rabid dogs. Not good. I intend to write a stern letter to Northrup-Grumman and give them a piece of my mind. Right after Wheel of Fortune.
CHEERS to Rev. Martin Luther King, Jr. Today is the civil rights titan's 81st birthday. Some of his pearls of wisdom:
A nation that continues year after year to spend more money on military defense than on programs of social uplift is approaching spiritual doom.
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The function of education is to teach one to think intensively and to think critically. Intelligence plus character---that is the goal of true education.
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Rarely do we find men who willingly engage in hard, solid thinking. There is an almost universal quest for easy answers and half-baked solutions. Nothing pains some people more than having to think.
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The time is always right to do what is right.
And my official motto for life is adapted from King's words: "Judge me on the content of my character, not the underwear on my head." Believe me, it's harder to live by than it looks.
JEERS to meeting our expectations by not meeting our expectations. "Mad Money" host Jim Cramer---aka He Who Got His Head Handed to Him on a Platter by Jon Stewart Last Year---made this prediction on Hardball in mid-October that was as fearless as it was emphatic, giddy, cocky, and---oh, what's the phrase---pulled out of his ass:
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"We are going to have a very strong holiday season across the board!"
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You know how this ends, don't you? Of course---he was wrong again. And I'm sure he's real sorry. Again.
CHEERS to home vegetation. If it's Friday evening, it must be time to warm up the boob tube. New DVD releases include the critically-acclaimed The Hurt Locker (which I'll be watching this weekend while clutching a large pillow for protection), Moon (a documentary, we assume, about what the bank CEOs did to the members of the bipartisan skullduggery-finding commission in D.C. earlier this week), and the least-requested remake ever: Fame. NFL matchups are Baltimore/Indianapolis, NY Jets/San Diego, Arizona/New Orleans, Dallas/Minnesota, and the New England Patriots will take on a huge bowl of nachos and 26 cases of beer in Tom Brady's den. The Sunday news shows will mostly be focused on Haiti. And the Golden Globes are Sunday on NBC. As Neil Patrick Harris told Jimmy Kimmel last week, the Globes are always a hoot "because everybody's drunk."
And a special mention for the great lineup on Bill Moyers Journal: Reminding us once again of how much we'll miss him when he leaves the air this spring, Bill looks at the current state of affairs in Afghanistan from both a military and humanitarian perspective; Thomas Frank (What's the Matter with Kansas?) explains why Democrats might get clobbered this fall (but I'm not even close to believing that), thanks to the voter disease known as "Instant Forgetting"; and an interview with Greg Mortenson, author of Three Cups of Tea. Make mine Earl Grey with a liberal dash of Pabst Blue Ribbon. 'Cause I'm classy. Happy viewing!
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Five years ago in C&J: January 15, 2005
CHEERS to supporting the troops with something other than bumper stickers. John Kerry asked his 2.7 million online supporters to donate to the USO for its programs in Iraq and Afghanistan. Shortly after, the USO took in a record amount of money, according to U.S. News & World Report. But we'll pass on the complementary tickets to Fallujahpalooza, thanks.
JEERS to our noses. Because the latest intelligence assessment says that terrorist groups are now flocking to Iraq to train---train!---right under our military's proboscises. As if it needs to be said: Bush blows.
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And just one more...
CHEERS to getting your priorities straight. If you had to pick the number-one revolutionary household device of the 20th century, what would you choose? I was all set to say television until I remembered that the Swiffer squeaked in under the wire and made its debut in 1999. But we'll leave the final verdict to the nation that everyone thinks of whenever they think of cutting edge advances: Bulgaria. In an online/texting survey, the Bulgarians spoke with one voice and declared the winner of the century to be the mighty pepper roaster known as the chushkopek:
The wall of the cylindrical chushkopek is lined with a heater and can hold one to seven peppers, depending on the size of the appliance.
The Bulgarian-patented appliance garnered 25 percent of the vote. Other 20th century advances that received votes included electricity (16 percent), television and radio (13 percent)and cellphones (10 percent). Concrete-panel apartment construction, cars and seaside vacations trailed with less than 7 percent each.
I trust this settles the matter for all time. And what will be the most revolutionary device of the 21st century? I'm pinning my hopes on my in-home time travel booth with cup holder and "magic fingers" massager. Now, if you'll excuse me, I have to go back to 2038 and work with President Hannah Montana to secure funding for it from Congress. (Speaker Beyonce and Majority Leader Zac Effron think they have the votes!)
Have a nice weekend. And if you've got any good vibes to spare, for god's sake send 'em to Haiti. Floor's open...What are you cheering and jeering about today?
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