As we lost so many authentically cool people and when lies seemed to Trump the truth I took away one thing away from this fucking awful year. I plan on making 2017 better.
With each loss, from Bowie to Fisher, I came to the realization that I didn’t want to be those amazing people, I wanted to be more like my amazing self. Each of those icons were loved because they had learned the most important lesson in life, to be their most authentic self. And most importantly, they had channeled that authenticity through their art and shared pain, loss and joy through that art and touched MILLIONS in doing so.
This is why losing them has felt so intimately gut wrenching.
David Bowie wrote songs that taught us how to be our own heroes and showed us that you can be yourself while wearing different personas. He was glamorous yet down to earth, a star man for the ages and yet so amazingly HUMAN. He felt otherworldly because he represented the most vulnerable in us.
I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing, will drive them away
We can beat them, just for one day
We can be heroes, just for one day
And you, you can be mean
And I, I'll drink all the time
'Cause we're lovers, and that is a fact
Yes we're lovers, and that is that
Though nothing, will keep us together
We could steal time, just for one day
We can be heroes, forever and ever
What'd you say?
I, I wish you could swim
Like the dolphins, like dolphins can swim
Though nothing, nothing will keep us together
We can beat them, forever and ever
Oh, we can be heroes, just for one day
I, I will be king
And you, you will be queen
Though nothing, will drive them away
We can be heroes, just for one day
We can be us, just for one day
Heroes by David Bowie
Carrie Fisher, well, she was just a powerhouse of a woman. She spoke of her substance abuse and her mental health issues with such fucking bluntness that it would leave some people clutching their pearls. I adored it, because it meant that people had to keep looking. She normalized being bipolar, something that many people still don’t understand and fear. There are many bipolar people who point to her for making them feel “normal”. WHICH FOR FUCK’S SAKE, they are. Having a mental illness is normal. Just like having any other kind of health issue, it’s chemicals, it’s science. We must erase stigma so that less people suffer from shame and receive the treatment they so badly need. Carrie Fisher refused to be anything other than herself and she frequently told people who didn’t accept this to promptly go fuck themselves. (And let’s not forget Patty Duke, who also helped normalize mental health issues, she too passed away this year).
I could go on forever about why I loved Carrie Fisher, she was a brilliant mind with her sharp wit and eye for word play. She just shined.
The loss of Michelle McNamara was shocking, Patton Oswalt losing his wife at such a young age really hit a lot of people hard. The thought of Patton raising his young daughter on his own touched many and how he handled his grief publicly really touched many people, I know it did for me. He brought such grace and dignity to grieving and such vulnerability.
I recently saw Patton Olswalt at Largo in LA do some stand up comedy and he really struggled. His struggle was our struggle. A few times he just stood there, in apparent tears just exclaiming, “FUCK, fuck, fuck fuck”. All I could do was relate to this outburst because it was in response to the election to Trump and just how fucked up this year appeared to be to us all. He welcomed all of us to join in his despair, to collectively mourn with him. It was cathartic to laugh, to tear up and to just FEEL together.
But not only is he brilliant in his mourning but in his political commentary. Just so fucking SMART. We are better for having Patton Oswalt in the world.
This fucking election. Fucking Trump.
These newest revelations, that Russia hacked the election. Piles of evidence, teetering up to the sky. That Russia ALSO hacked the RNC and are holding them over a barrel because of what they know. Which would be hilarious if it wasn't so frightening. And the boiling chaos that's resulting from it. I've got conservative friends actually DEFENDING Russia on this. I've got progressive friends gloating that we've finally had done to us what we've done to other countries. That Hillary somehow deserves this. That WE somehow deserve this. That infuriating cliche about, "It's actually GOOD if Trump destroys everything it'll start a revolution BLAH BLAH BLAH FUCKING BLAH..."
And in the middle of it all is Trump -- bloated, grinning, oblivious, wearing his cheap baseball cap and ruining people's lives with his Twitter. While all around him -- smarter, better, exhausted people scramble around, trying to sweep up a china shop he keeps stumbling through, laughing the whole time at these stupid nerds picking up the broken pieces on the ground. Losers. Weak. Trump doesn't spread evil. He doesn't even spread chaos. Evil and chaos are beyond his abilities.
He spreads MEDIOCRITY. And anyone who gets near him gets dragged into the same sloppy, tossed-off, first-draft shitscape he lives in.
Except this time, it's the entire country who got too close to him. We're about to become, as a nation, as garish and pathetic as one of his hotel suites. Balsa wood under gold spray paint. A chandelier over a toilet. Knock-off Haviland and Parlon china on which to serve a Big Mac. And the people MAKING the Big Macs getting screwed, stripped and exploited while the predators high-five on their private jets.
In nine days the electors make their choice. Let's hope they choose to save us from our grope-y, racist uncle who just won $50,000 playing scratch-offs.
Patton Oslwat’s Facebook Pate
Gene Wilder. I always had an affinity for this man. Charlie and the Chocolate Factory came out on the same day I was born, July 1, 1971. He was an actor, not a comedy actor. He didn’t see a distinction between the two and regularly took offense when people asked him about it. And he’s right. Comedy is HARD and Gene Wilder made it look amazingly easy. He appeared in comedies that pushed boundaries and that were magical part of our childhoods and he understood how important it was not to break the magic. The fact that he teamed up with one of my favorite human beings is part of my love for him, Mel Brooks is a magic man and I do believe Blazing Saddles to be before it’s time.
Leonard Cohen, there are just no words for the loss of this man. Yes, many of the losses were souls that wandered this earth for many years, yet their loss was still profound for me. Leonard Cohen was part of the soundtrack of my life. He wrote so many songs that I listened to over and over again. He was just a legend.
Other notables for me:
- Prince
- Lady Chablis
- Alexis Arquette
- Edward Albee
- Gwen Ifill
- Florence Henderson
- John Glenn
- Ron Glass
- George Michael
- Richard Adams
- Alan Rickman (if you haven’t seen Truly, Madly, Deeply, you are missing out).
- Harper Lee
- Umberto Eco
- George Martin
- Gary Shandling
- Anton Yelchin (This was just so heart wrenching, it’s beyond words)
So, what is my take away? Many of the people that we lost that touched me so profoundly had been themselves in the most amazing sort of way. They were authentic and true and they had lived their lives in the manner to which they saw most fit.
I never at one point though, boy, I really want to be like them. I have decided that I want to be more like me. As someone who has struggled for so long with so many fucking issues, I’ve come to realize something so very profound, I have buried myself in so much bullshit and I have tried to be everything but who I am.
I am a child of an alcoholic and a survivor of sexual, verbal and emotional abuse. That poor little inner child is so far buried that she has been afraid to come out for, well, forever. I have struggled to lose weight and become healthy and have been plagued with chronic health issues ever since the birth of my only child since 2003. This year has been particularly difficult because all of them have gone into full overdrive and I’ve missed work and have been overridden with medical bills. 2016 has been horrible for so many reasons beside the election of Trump and all the reasons people have been able to point to, I’ve been barely able to keep my head above water. I suffer from anxiety and depression and am constantly paralyzed by fear. Being a single parent with health issues living in Orange County where it ain’t cheap to keep up, I’ve just been, well, fucking terrified. What if I get sicker? What if I can’t keep up?
Fuck that noise.
So, the take away. I need to stop identifying myself as the fat, single sick mom who is struggling, or at least stop making that be my weakness. I have overcome some serious shit! I need to wear this like a badge of honor! I need to start thinking like the fucking warrior that I am and use what I’ve learned to grow, learn to use all the loss and pain as my teacher, not my torturer.
How can I take all this and make it my friend, not my enemy? How can I take the talents I have and use it for good?
I haven’t been writing in, well, for too long. I haven’t been reaching out because I sincerely believed that I was just unloved and unliked. That’s a bullshit meme that’s been swimming around in my noggin for too long. Erase that right away.
I am smart, and funny and dammit, I can use these powers for good. I can take all this heartache, all this asshattery and use it to change not only my world, but maybe I can change someone else’s world, change someone else’s perspective. Maybe yours?
Are you going to let 2016 win or are you going to learn from 2016? It’s all up to you?
What is your take away?