Three weeks into its reign and the tRump administration continues to leak like a rusty sieve. And while it’s been awhile since the Great Orange Satan pretended to strong-arm an American company into keeping its operations stateside, it looks like he has increased employment a wee tad. From the department of “You can’t make this shit up”:
Aides to Donald Trump say that the President is employing food tasters out of a fear of being poisoned, and has been for some time. The aides spoke on condition of anonymity.
Apparently this practice predates the election.
“Trump knows how many people utterly despise him,” one aide said, “and has for a long time.” “One night on the plane he told us that beginning immediately he would only eat in restaurants that didn’t employ any Mexicans.”
Apparently the impracticality of that demand was completely lost on The Donald.
“Priebus told him that his restriction would eliminate every restaurant in America as an option,” confirmed an aide. “Trump said that if that was the case he wanted all food to be ordered carry-out and anonymously.”
Once food was brought back to the campaign, the tycoon made a big show of making sure that everybody got their food and had begun eating before he started.
“He tried to pretend that he was looking out for the little guy. ‘The Donald doesn’t eat until everybody else is fed,’ he liked to say. But we knew what was really going on. And frankly, we were just as glad the food orders were being placed and picked up anonymously.”
tRump’s paranoia only increased once he was sworn in.
“You have to realize this isn’t an administration, it’s a royal court. Trump is a functional idiot, with no understanding of public policy and no desire to learn, other than as a way to enrich himself and his family.”
With Bannon, Preibus, Conway and other staffers, as well as his sons, daughter, and her husband all trying to have his ear, it sounds almost Shakespearean.
“He believes whatever the last person to speak to him told him. He almost came out in favor of high speed rail after little Barron mentioned that he ‘liked choo choos.’ Steve (Bannon) was able to convince him to instead come out at a later date with a promise to ‘make the trains run on time.’”
But the tRump team knew that bringing in take-out three times a day wasn’t a viable option. So they began to look for somebody they could use as a food taster. And whose name immediately popped into everybody’s head?
“Chris Christie! And no, not because of his weight, although tRump does like to call him ‘Chris Crisco’ and ‘Chris P Cream,’ and that’s to his face! No, it’s because there’s nobody more servile and more willing to have any role whatsoever in the administration than Christie. The man has no pride.”
But the plan quickly ran into a snag.
“The thing about giving your meal to a food taster is that once they’ve taken a few bites and everything seems okay you have to get the food back. Have you ever tried to take back a quarter pounder from Chris Christie? You’re lucky if you get back an eighth pounder. Bannon almost lost a finger!”
Another solution was quickly cobbled together and apparently remains in place today.
“We use homeless people. Go out on the street and find some homeless guy and let him take a few nibbles, then grab the food and hop into the car and back to the White House.”
And the administration found a willing ally up on the Hill.
“Word got out to Paul Ryan what we were doing, and he enthusiastically volunteered to help out. It seems that since one of the goals of Congressional Republicans is gutting the Meals on Wheels program, Ryan was eager to practice first hand literally taking food out of the mouths of the needy so he can funnel even more money into the pockets of the rich. He helps out more days than not.”
Of course, you can make this shit up. But how far did you read before you were sure it wasn’t real?