Rice: "Errors" Now "Eeyores"

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Monday April 03, 2006 · 5:06 AM PDT

2006/04/03 · 05:06

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Days after Condoleeza Rice admitted that the administration had made thousands of errors in the Iraq war - and then tried to claim that she had been speaking figuratively - the White House is taking a new tact to try and diffuse the situation.

"I meant 'Eeyores', not 'errors'," Rice told CAP News in a recent phone interview. "And by that I mean that there are a lot of brooding gusses out there who refuse to see anything positive about the war. We, on the other hand, remain upbeat. We are Tiggers - Boing! Boing! Boing!"

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Satire: Anti-Immigration Rally Targets Canadians

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Monday March 27, 2006 · 4:55 AM PST

2006/03/27 · 04:55

WARD'S CROSSING, NY (CAP) - While pro-immigration rallies in Georgia, Los Angeles and Arizona have garnered most of the headlines the past few days, that didn't stop Larry Elmore and his third cousin Billy Farr from staging their own anti-immigration rally in the bucolic upstate New York hamlet of Ward's Crossing.

"I ain't got nothing against the Mexicans, ya know?" said Elmore as he waved a 'Build A Fence, Eh?' sign. "I enjoy a few tequila sunrises with the boys down at the plant every Friday night. It's them damn Canadians."

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Satire: Bush Posse Pummels Mad Cow Rumor

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Wednesday March 15, 2006 · 6:26 AM PST

2006/03/15 · 06:26

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Still smarting from the Katrina debacle, Bush administration officials have been fanning out over the past few days to offer assurance to Americans concerned about the possible find of mad cow disease in the United States. CAP News has pulled together some of their statements regarding this issue:

"Mad what?" - President Bush, Sunday as he arrived at church

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Satire: Rice Riffs Way Into Rehab

cafeoz

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Tuesday March 14, 2006 · 6:34 AM PST

2006/03/14 · 06:34

VALPARAISO, Chile (CAP) - Political insiders have told CAP News that Secretary of State Condoleezza Rice has checked into a Corpus Christi drug rehab clinic for treatment of a cocaine abuse problem.

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Satire: Bush To Indians: "Howdy, Kimosabes."

cafeoz

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Thursday March 02, 2006 · 4:13 AM PST

2006/03/02 · 04:13

NEW DELHI, India (CAP) - White House officials were scrambling today to minimize the damage after President Bush and his entourage showed up in New Delhi wearing traditional Native American tribal costumes.

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Satire - VP Accidentally Shoots Republican

cafeoz

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Tuesday February 14, 2006 · 5:25 AM PST

2006/02/14 · 05:25

SOUTH TEXAS (CAP) - Vice President Dick Cheney on Saturday accidentally shot one of his Republican hunting companions, 78-year-old Harry Whittington, during their annual "Dirty Hippy Hunt" at a ranch just southwest of Corpus Christi.

"The Vice President feels just terrible about this," said a Cheney spokeswoman. "The hunting party was creeping up on a covey of dirty hippies when one of them bolted. Cheney tracked the dirty hippy with his gun and somehow Mr. Whittington came in the line of fire."

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Humor - Mastercard Revokes Bush Personal Credit Card

cafeoz

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Thursday February 09, 2006 · 6:00 AM PST

2006/02/09 · 06:00

Citing "grave concerns over the fiscal prudence of the cardholder," officials at MasterCard have announced that they are revoking President Bush's credit card.

"It's not a decision we ever like to make, particularly with someone this high profile," said a MasterCard spokesman. "But looking at the way this man has handled money over the past few years, we owe it to our shareholders to make a pre-emptive strike.

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Humor - Punxsutawney Phil Gitmo Bound

cafeoz

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Friday February 03, 2006 · 5:38 AM PST

2006/02/03 · 05:38

PUNXSUTAWNEY, Penn. (CAP) - As he does every year on February 2, Punxsutawney Phil emerged from his Pennsylvania burrow and sought his shadow. This year, he saw it, meaning six more weeks of winter.

Then he saw the multiple shadows of law enforcement personnel, meaning indefinite detention at Guantanamo Bay in Cuba.

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Satire: Bush To Bartlett: "You're Fired!"

cafeoz

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Friday January 27, 2006 · 5:45 AM PST

2006/01/27 · 05:45

WASHINGTON (CAP) - Citing his powers as Commander in Chief, President Bush has cancelled the TV drama 'The West Wing' for "giving aid and comfort to the enemy."

"It's a misinterpretization of what we're trying to do here," Bush said at a recent press conference. "The terrorists think we're all about feelings now, and we're not. We're about kicking ass. 'The West Wing' did not kick enough ass."

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