I nicknamed mine "The Washington Monument" because I'm a goddamn patriot.
As a man, boasting about the size of one’s genitalia is a time-honored tradition in our glorious patriarchy. Science has long since proven the positive correlation between the size of one’s penis and everything from leadership skills to personality, from business acumen to academic and athletic prowess.
One of the most unfortunate consequences of the feminist movement is that it is no longer considered “appropriate” for men to refer to the size of our penises. Because of this, we as a nation have lost — especially since the election of George H.W. Bush and the question of being a “wimp” (rhymes with “limp”) — a fundamental measure of both leadership and masculinity, and our country is suffering because of it. Just look at the lack of faith in our leaders and institutions shared by so many Americans, and ask yourself, if we had not shamed men for sharing details about our penises, would we be in the same sorry situation we are in today? Some of you might suggest there is no correlation between the state of the nation and this change in our society, or demand evidence, but you’re probably the same people who wouldn’t boast about their own penis, and are therefore helping to ruin this country.
Which brings us to the Republican presidential primary. Thank God Senator Marco Rubio and Fuhrer-elect Donald Trump have raised this crucial measure of manhood and leadership in this campaign. Both of them have expertly challenged aspects of each other’s manhood. It began with Trump calling Rubio “Little Marco.” Rubio responded by suggested that the size of Trump’s hands indicate a small penis — something researchers have long asserted to be true (and something I have personally see evidence of with this guy I knew once. It wasn’t like that, we were in the locker room after gym, and — you know, never mind). Thus the stakes were raised…
Last night at the debate in Detroit, Trump fired back, assuring voters we have nothing to worry about regarding his manhood. “I guarantee you there's no problem. I guarantee,” Trump said.
But as voters, in this time of such little faith in our leaders and institutions, we need more than Trump’s word. We need proof.
Join me in urging the Republican candidates — Cruz and Kasich must take part as well if they want to be considered serious candidates — to “man up” and share with the public proof that they do not have small penises. Each candidate must publicly share pictures of their genitals. We must see them both flaccid and erect, and we also require something in the pictures that provides comparison and scale. Length and girth measurements would be helpful in this, as well as the weight and size of each candidate’s scrotum (are we talking puppy nuts or goat nuts?).
The state of our nation depends on it. Otherwise, how will we possibly know who to vote for?
