We're reeling in the stand-up community this weekend. Lauren Thompson at
The Daily Texan Online says it better than I possibly could right now. I'd like to welcome those of you who are not familiar with Hedberg's brilliant delivery and wit. I'm just so sick that I didn't go see him when I had the chance. Get to know his comedy and you'll miss him, too.
"When someone hands you a flyer, it's like they're saying, 'Here. You throw this away.'"
"Alcoholism is a disease, but it's the only one you can get yelled at for having. Goddamn it Otto, you are an alcoholic. ...Goddamn it Otto, you have Lupus ... One of those two doesn't sound right."
"When you go to a restaurant on the weekends and it's busy they start a waiting list. They start calling out names, they say "Dufresne, party of two. Dufresne, party of two." And if no one answers they'll say their name again. "Dufresne, party of two, Dufresne, party of two." But then if no one answers they'll just go right on to the next name. "Bush, party of three." Yeah, but what happened to the Dufresnes? No one seems to give a shit. Who can eat at a time like this - people are missing. You fuckers are selfish... the Dufresnes are in someone's trunk right now, with duct tape over their mouths. And they're hungry! That's a double whammy. We need help. Bush, search party of three! You can eat when you find the Dufresnes."
"My manager told me, "Mitch, don't use alcohol as a crutch." A crutch is something that helps you walk, alcohol is like the step I didn't see."
"I bought myself a parrot. The parrot talked. But it did not say, "I'm hungry,".............. so it died."
"I saw a commercial for an above-ground pool. It was 30 seconds long. You know why? 'Cuz that's the maximum amount of time that you can depict yourself having fun in an above-ground pool."
"The depressing thing about tennis is that no matter how much I play, I'll never be as good as a wall. I played a wall once. They're fucking relentless."
"My friend said to me "Man, this weather is trippy." I said to him, "No man, perhaps it is not the weather that is trippy, it is the way we perceive it that is indeed trippy ..." then I thought, man, I should have just said, 'yeah' ..."
"I went to the park and saw this kid flying a kite. The kid was really excited. I don't know why, that's what they're supposed to do. Now if he had had a chair on the other end of that string, I would have been impressed."
"... You're supposed to yell 'fore,' but I was way too busy mumbling, 'There ain't no way that's gonna hit him.'"
More at
Wikiquote.