Note: Personal-style entry ... which IMHO I believe are also important to share...
OK, park the car by the side of the road ... for once lately to actually stop and write ... So many other times recently I have just let my thoughts go ... which isn't necessarily bad. This time however, I really wish I had that mental tape recorder running in my mind ... (other times, definitely NOT ...), but this time I stop ...
Many, many thoughts today, but these right now are the most visceral to me, so I begin my tale below...
I had never expected my reaction, physically, to be experienced when just signing my name ... my former name, as it will be. As the ink flowed from the pen in my hand, I suddenly felt a thousand miles away ... with blinders on ... an out-of-body experience on auto-pilot ... my hands were shaking, which I did expect, because I do that when I get anxious ... I did NOT expect to be jerked out of my body into some netherworld, hovering above the desk ... above the room. It took all I had to lurch myself forward, back into the present, and focus on the task at hand ... while I was still shaking, it was quite an effort just to focus on the paper and stay upright ... then that moment passed ...
What had happened physically, physiologically, I do not understand ... what was happening, at that very moment, was that my husband Seth and I were standing in the County Clerk's office getting our signatures notarized on our divorce papers ... which we were doing together, amicably, mutually, and as friends ...
We had spent the past days going through the paperwork ... insurance, assets, liabilities, mortgage, bank accounts, ugh ... splitting things down the middle ... no lawyers, no one else, just us splitting our stuff as us ... We agreed we did not want to get negative, nor did we want to screw over one another ... we just needed to end the marriage ... to go on to our next path in life remaining as friends, friends who ... <pause ... we just high-fived as he's going to sleep ... same house still, living as roomies til I can find a place> ... sorry, we wanted to remain as still-friends, former-lovers and ex-spouses who have shared a total of ten years together, though sporadically at times ... a definite shared history. We had an enjoyable weekend, getting our things in order, discussing our feelings, thoughts, visions ... actually our rapport has improved dramatically since we have finally agreed to divorce ...
Point of story ... What had overwhelmed me during the simple act of writing my signature? I pondered and came up with a theory, could be right, wrong, somewhere in-between or just plain bonkers, but I wanted to share it with this wonderful community ... Perhaps at that moment, just as we're dissolving our marital union, the connection of all us damn human beings shone through ... all of us who are attempting to relate to each other with kindness, respect and a sense of our shared humanity. Seth had said earlier that he always thought love would conquer all ... I replied that maybe it does ... ??? from him ... I explained maybe it's through our actions and intentions that we are sending our love back into some sort of universal life force ... in showing tenderness and compassion for one another, we may be able to heal our collective self. I see the DKos community doing just that ... sharing our common struggles, triumphs, desires, fears, calls to action, calls to defend, calls to unite ... being ready to help & support whomever next needs it. It gives me hope ...
OK. Thanks for giving me a place to share, where I feel I can share. I'm done. I'm tired ... I really didn't sleep a wink last nite, so I'm probably delirious now anyway ...
Peace and strenth to us all ...