My name is Jeanine "Trout Pout" Pirro and I'm running for Senate against Hillary Clinton!
I've had a number of plastic surgeries. The Botox is also fab-u-lous! A mob friend of my husband, Al Pirro, hooked me up with a a great plastic surgeon.
I was going to have another procedure before I ran for Senate, but I feared my ears would be pulled so far back behind my head that I would have to hold press conferences ass-backwards.
Today I held a press conference announcing my candidacy. Reporters asked me questions about budgets and deficits and the war and, well, I was just beside myself. I usually just ravage the crowd with my botox-enhanced beauty, but people wanted real answers. I couldn't even find my speech and I stood there for 36 seconds in a blank daze!
I told the crowd I was like a blue and red candy cane - blue on social issues and red on the economy:
- I'm pro-choice, but not very pro-choice because I need the conservative party to endorse me. So, I will be evasive when answering these questions.
- I'm pro-gay rights, but I won't tell you how much, because I need national Republican support (i.e., money!).
I hope that you won't ask too many questions about my mob-associated husband and the fact that he screwed around on his taxes and was sent to jail. I know I signed the income tax forms, but I was just being a good wife and I trusted my husband and his consiglieries.
I have to go now, as I'm late for my collagen lip injections. I have to look pretty, you know, because that's the only thing I have going for me.
Sincerely,
Jeanine "Trout Pout" Pirro