from the MICHAELOHUMOR editorial desk
NPC the National Picture Company
michaelohumor@aol.com
SPECIAL REPORT --- EXTRA - EXTRA --- SPECIAL REPORT
CHRISTIAN FUNDAMENTALISTS MEET WITH RADICAL JEWS AND MUSLIMS
©
This is a SPECIAL REPORT from NPC NEWS:
NPC News has just receive a special report from its Undercover Section of an extraordinary secret meeting of Internationally known Christian leaders and high ranking members of the fundamentalist Muslim and Jewish sects taking place near Jerusalem.
In attendance were Jerry Falwell, Pat Robertson, James Dobson, Shiite cleric Moktada al-Sadrand of Sadr city, Iraq and Israeli Rabbi Avigdor Neventzal among others.
The "New Holy Alliance" as they are calling themselves, declared the meeting, the United Convocation for the Salvation of Human Souls. Found by our special correspondent while meeting in a very famous cave just outside of Jerusalem they issued the following manifesto:
We call for a Holy Crusade against secularism and liberalism. We denounce and demand the immediate cessation of blasphemy against our Holy Leaders, our religions, our beloved Jesus and profits. We cite the recent desecration of the "Holy Prophet" Mohammed in vile and degrading cartoons and the sinful movie, The Last Temptation of Christ.
These types of blasphemy are the works of the Devil and his demonic agents that have taken over the press and major government institutions.
We especially target the liberal elements in the governments of the United States, England, France, Germany, Italy, Russia and that filthy city of Amsterdam, Holland, (because of its gross commercial sex marketing,) for their atheism, agnosticism, and Liberalism. These are the agents of the Devil and they must be destroyed and our populations saved.
In off the record conversations they proclaimed acceptance of the same God.
When asked about the apparent typo or misspelling of the word "prophet" as profit, their spokesperson and the only Catholic leader present screamed at our reporter, "Communist nit picker. " The Bishop, William O'Connell was last seen during a press conference defending himself against charges that he had molested some 1,000 members of church choirs in the United States. Shortly afterwards, he was transferred to the Vatican where the Pope made him special counsel on juvenile punishment.
In negotiating the differences in theology, the Alliance reported that they would hold the Holy Missionary Crusade and allow "The One God in Heaven" to sort out the dead and then decide which interpretation of God's Law visa via the Bible, Torah and Koran were correct. The One and Holy God would then award or punish those appropriately.
An inside source reported exclusively to NPC that the major sources of dissent among the men were who would or would sit "on the right hand" of God and what other rewards would come to those who were saved. The most intense arguments were over whom would get virgins once in heaven.
The first public statement was made by the outspoken TV preacher Pat Robertson who said, "Hell, I'm too old for that nonsense, virgin or not."
Jerry Falwell proclaimed that the new drug "Up and Adam" would take care of that and the issues of male homosexuality. He was subsequently seen walking arm and arm with Muhammad Attoyla, one of the Islamic leaders.
Earlier it was report that he had been muttering about the magazine Hustler and his dearly departed mother. When asked if expected to "meet up with her in Heaven," Falwell stuck out his tongue and gave the reporter the George Bush salute, whose middle finger has been described as longer than Falwell's and much more effective.
On the matter of Virgin companions in Heaven convicted embezzler and adulterer Jim Bakker and the Reverend Jimmy Swaggert, rabid denunciator of sex and repeat adulterer and prostitute trick, were heard saying:
"Virgins are terrible," said Swaggert beginning to weep.
"Yeah, you have to be gentle, they don't know nothing, they think freaking off is odd, especially the use of double headed dildos. Then they fall in love and then they sue for way too much," proclaimed a teary eyed Bakker.
"Yeah, Its just too much aggravation. Whores and marriage is cheaper even though they are all the agents of the Demon from Hell," was Swaggert's last comment before breaking out a hidden microphone, falling to his knees and begging for forgiveness. He was reported to have sworn to weep for forty days and forty nights.
Once composed, Bakker was quoted as saying, "what you want is a one or two timer, a novice. Then you have one who's had a taste and wants more, like ummm...what was her name? Jessica Hahn. Yeah a hot eyed girl like her."
The Reverend William Franklin Graham, III, the cleric who claimed responsibility for the "Born Again" conversion of George Bush, said none would be necessary, that he "hated sex" outside of marriage and he could wait in Heaven until his wife got there.
Concluding, he said that he would occupy himself with measuring the gold paved streets; The Right Reverend Robert Schuller of the Crystal Cathedral said being from Southern California had warped his tastes.
"Only if they are blonde blue eyed and say 'like' and 'really, really' a great deal. His son had nothing to say. That's what gets my `motor running,'" quoting John Kaye of Steppenwolf.
Dr. James Dobson of Focus on the Family said he was more certain than ever that "corporal punishment prevents homosexuality in normal boys."
Moktada al-Sadrand was not available for comment as he was reportedly confused about which way was east inside the cave and Israeli Rabbi Avigdor Neventzal was too busy beating his head against the cave's wall while in prayer.
In order to get the "Word" directly from the authentic source NPC engaged our special spiritual correspondent, through a celebrity member of the Church of Scientology. NPC was sworn to secrecy regarding the star's identify but we can say he was last seen jumping up and down on Oprah.
He first channeled Jesus through the late Jeffrey Hunter, pretender to the Hollywood Crown of Thorns. Jesus was found back in the desert where it is rumored he spent some thirty years partying hardy with Mohammed, Buddha, Shiva, Confucius, Moses and a number of other universal Gods. Contrary to the current prohibition of drugs, Jesus reported the consumption of various cacti by the group in spiritual rituals.
The exuberant star stated that Hunter relayed a message from Jesus and his radiant, red haired companion Mary, (as first depicted by Leonardo Di Vinci in his painting, "The Last Supper.")
Hunter spoke Jesus as saying, "this is our nineteen hundred and seventy third honeymoon. We get out here as much as we can. The hot springs, mud baths, oh they are just great. And the isolation allows us the privacy every husband and wife need to sustain a long term, intimate marriage."
Mary was heard to say, "Try it. You'll like it. And Oh, Fuck that asshole misogynist Paul. He was a repressed, in-the-closet homosexual who completely fucked up a good thing. He and all those pederasts in the so called `Catholic Church.'"
To which Jesus said, "Now Mary, is it not better to turn the other cheek."
To which Mary was said to have responded, "cheek? How `bout checking out these cheeks Jeez..."
Hunter refused to give a pictorial description of what then transpired between the two happily married spirits.
We were successful in contacting Buddha through both Richard Gere and Keanu Reeves who one time played Little Buddha.
The response received from the lord of Zen was," a very long ommmmmmm."
Some controversy was raised, however, when it was suggested that it was not Buddha but in fact Allen Ginsberg, Beat Poet Laureate, who was channeled.
Rabbis Zvi Hirsch Kalischer, Rabbi Judah Alkalay and Rabbi Samuel Mohilewer, early, radical Zionist leaders were channeled through the late Jerry Rubin of the Jewish Defense League.
He suggested that in lieu of an existent Jewish messiah our guide ought to channel Charleton Heston in trying to contact Moses.
However when we contacted Heston he was still obsessed with Michael Moore, saying over and over again that he'd like to kill Moore with at least two of the semi-automatic weapons now approved for civilian purchase.
The great Islamic leader Saladin of the Crusades and leading character in the Hollywood version of the Crusades was reported to have said, "united we stand, divided --- shit, there still isn't a home for the Palestinians.
Muslim protest of the recent spate of cartoon caricatures of Mohammed led Mohammed to step out of a nude pool party which included Marilyn Monroe, John Kennedy, Mae West, Bessie Smith, Abe Lincoln, Dorothy Dandridge, Mahatma Ghandi, Karl Marx, Cleopatra and Emilio Zapata, to name just a few.
Draping a towel around his middle to hide his obvious erection, he laughed mightily.
"These zealots are meshugina. Those cartoons don't look like me at all. I am much better looking, and not near as fat a Buddha, or scraggly as Jesus, my new best friends. Those cartoons remind me of that creepy false prophet Bin Laden.
"Those whackos who are rioting need to get a life and stop eating pork and obsessing about virgins. I mean they are fucking obsessed with a short cut to Heaven.
"Oh, and I have bad news for them: That Virgin thing? Its all over. The remaining virgins have formed a feminist socialist union, gone on strike and are refusing obligatory sex. They want some form of relationship before sex." Throwing his towel in the air he trotted back to the pool and did a cannon ball.
Good Night --- Good Day and have a lovely bunch of coconuts from NPC News.