This is the confession of a young(ish) man (me) who made it out of the wilderness of modern conservatism without a compass. I write this because I want to share this period. Also, because it is a testimony of the power of knowlege, experience, and reality; It's power to genuinely change world views. Not pedantic and self-satisfied moralism, not lecturing and scoffing, but ideas and experiental "truths."
I grew up in a very devoutly Catholic and conservative Republican household in Southern Ohio. With conservative Republican extended family, in conservative Republican neighborhoods.
I was an altar boy. I thought I might want to be a priest. No, they didn't diddle me. I attended mass "religiously," as they say, at least every week until I was 18 or 19.
I painted signs for a George H.W. freaking Bush election campaign stop in our mid-sized Ohio city when I was in high school. I spouted the classic, predictable Young Republican faux Libertarian mish mash wackadoodle nonsense that we all know. You know what? I believed it too. Seriously. It made sense to me. Because I was naïve and white and sufficiently privileged that I didn't know any better. And, as a young testosterone filled young man, I liked the posturing, the tough-guy posing and affected cynicism of the whole by-your-own-bootstraps mentality. I also liked the intellectual shell game of diluting the apparent offensiveness and harshness of an idea or statement with a false sense of detached reasonableness simply in the tone in which it's presented: "Well in a perfect world, everyone would be taken care of, but we spend so much tax money on housing criminals, why don't we just execute them all?" or "It's not a racist thing, you understand, but culturally, black folk just have less of a social push to work hard. Giving them welfare just encourages that behavior." You know, that sort of thing. I know, I know. but this is, like a "confession." so give me a break.
My father listened to Rush every day. Still listens to him. Actually says "Ditto." Like, out loud in the car. Thinks John Bolton is awesome. Both my parents, in what seems to be in part a rebellion against others of their generation whose left-leaning politics they found vacuous and faddish, really bought the notion that the Republican Party was more Libertarian. But also against abortion.
I eagerly registered as a Republican on my 18th birthday. I was proud about it, and proud to participate.
Then, things started to change for me. A close friend died. I felt adrift. I threw myself into learning about everything I could. Voraciously devouring books and papers. Pushing myself to read every philosopher I could get my hands on. One leads to another and another. I studied Psychology; studied the religions and spiritual practices of the world, always struck by a common thread of humanity and darkness and light in all of man's pursuits.
I began working as a counselor to abused, mentally ill, well, orphans basically. Castaways. Little screwed up bananas little boys and girls with nowhere but our little center to be. For years. With no family. Until they turned 12 and had to leave and go have problems somewhere else, so that they could get put in juvie and then go to prison.
I joined the Green Party people. The motherfucking Green Party. I was a vegan, then a vegetarian.
I went to law school so I could represent the kids I worked with once they reached a certain age and needed legal counsel. I became a lawyer. A criminal defense lawyer. I represented indigent death row inmates in their habeas petitions across the country.
I registered as a Democrat.
I have long since decided that a religion that is so preoccupied with who is fucking whom, is no religion for me. Sad, because the ritual and culture of Catholicism was something central and positive in my childhood and adolescence, and something powerful in helping me develop a social conscience.
My Father is now rabidly anti-capital punishment. My Father is studying to become a deacon and counselor in the Catholic Church because he wants to help people on a personal level. He talks about social justice now. He still voted for Bush. Twice. But we're getting there. I never acted holier-than-thou around him about politics. He has learned to respect my opinions, and to consider them.
My sisters are both democrats, following my lead, though I've never given unsolicited opinions and advice. I just showed them something else existed; another model that wasn't a cliché of a liberal or a democrat.
I met my wife, who was registered as a Republican at the time. She isn't anymore. I have a baby girl on the way, and I moved to private practice because paying clients will help me pay for diapers. With my wife, I was a bit more insistent. If she registered as a Republican, I think I'd file for divorce. It would never happen, though. I started eating meat again. It is fucking delicious.