In his long interview on
Meet the Press this Sunday, Senator Barack Obama demonstrated that he is suffering from a bad case of early-onset 'Senator-Talk Syndrome' (STS).
A terrible, crippling disease widely feared amongst Americans, STS is a ruthless virus that attacks an elected official's ability to say anything in plain English, leaving him or her trapped in a painful rhetoric of foot-long words and confusing sentences.
While there a few specialist doctors working on a cure for STS, it is widely believed that the best short term solution is to identify the symptoms and bring them to attention of the victim as soon as possible.
STS sufferers are victims of a disease that has no cure, and they need our help.
For Senator Obama's sake--before this devestating disease takes him over completely--all of us can help him deal with the symptoms of STS by bringing them to his attention.
Here are few examples from the Meet the Press transcript which demonstrate Senator Obama's present condition. To help our first- and second-year medical students identify the signs of STS, I have highlighted them in the passages using boldface type. So, let's all put on two layers of surgical gloves, as well as our protective eyewear and surgical masks, and take a look at the infected transcript together.
First up, Tim Russert asked Senator Obama a simple question about Iraq, whereup on the signs of STS were clearly shown in the Senator's response:
MR. RUSSERT: You just came back from Iraq, and I noted this comment in the Chicago Daily Herald. "Everything is up for grabs." What does that mean?
SEN. OBAMA: Well, first of all, one of the impressions that I got was what a great job the troops were doing. You know, we have a military that is unsurpassed in its ability to execute a mission, and so we've got troops who are building roads and hospitals and schools. And I was extraordinarily proud of their service.
But you have a political situation that I think is still undetermined, how it's going to play itself out. We just got the results from the recent election. It's promising because we have more Sunnis participating in the legislature than we had last time. We don't yet know, though, whether or not the Shias and the Kurds are going to accommodate Sunni interests or ignore them. And we don't yet know whether the Sunnis are going to recognize that they are in fact a minority. And one of the key points I came away from, talking to both military officials as well as civilians, is that there's not a long-term military solution to the problem there, that political accommodation is what's going to determine the future of Iraq.
OK, everybody...stepping out of the infected transcript we can lower our masks for a second to discuss the STS symptoms we saw.
What we have here is a lots of clear ideas stated in complicated words. "A political situation that I think is still undetermined" is clearly the Senator's attempt to say "It's a mess," but the STS has taken hold of him in that moment and he just could not speak clearly. Same situation for the phrase "it's promising because we have more Sunni's participating in the legislature." Senator Obama is trying to say "lots of people voted for Sunnis" but the disease just will not let him say that. And then there's the repeated use of the word "accomodation" when what he meant to say was "they have to make a deal." Clearly he's in the early stages of STS, possible stress induced.
Let's take a look at another example:
MR. RUSSERT: The question is, here at home what are the politics, and you said this according to the Chicago Tribune. "It is arguable that the best politics going into '06 would be a clear, succinct message, `Let's bring our troops home.' It's certainly easier to communicate and I think would probably have some pretty strong resonance with the American people right now." Why do you think that's the best political message?
Tim Russert, for his part, seems to know Senator Obama suffers from STS, but is taunting him--kind of like a bully forcing a boy with polio to dance in the schoolyard. Let's see how Senator Obama responds (surgical masks back up, please):
SEN. OBAMA: Well, you know, one of the things that I think in politics you're always looking for is contrast, and obviously that gives a sharp, clearly-defined contrast to administration's policy.
Here we have a heartwarming instance of an STS sufferer trying hard to fight off the disease. A whole sentence of clear english. But the disease is just too powerful for anyone to control it completely once they are infected, as we see in the rest of his answer:
Keep in mind, though, that that quote was presented in me explaining that that's actually not the approach that I'm pursuing. My position has been that it would not be responsible for us to unilaterally and precipitously draw troops down regardless of the politics, because I think that all of us have a stake in seeing Iraq succeed. We need to get the policy right, and it's inappropriate, I think, to have politics intrude at this point in such a critical stage and in the development of the Middle East.
OK, everyone can lower their masks again as we leave the infected transcript.
Keep in mind that STS is a very emotional disease. Here, the Senator is trying to speak like a Democrat, but sadly the STS is making him sound like a Republican--a confusing Republican. Trying to get out the phrase "The War in Iraq must end," the STS forces him to say "that that"--almost woodpecker-like--several times, and then to use the phrase "unilaterally and precipitously draw troops down" when he meant to say "get out of Iraq." Then, in a gutwrenching episode of STS-induced Progressive-Ideals Paralysis (PIP), the Senator blurted out the phrase "it's inappropriate, I think, to have politics intrude at this point," a clear example of how STS can result in the contraction of related diseases (e.g., Adult Onset Republicanism, Congenital Conservatism, Chronic "Talk Like a Neo-Con"-itus, etc.).
These are dangerous diseases that attack the infected politician's nervous system when STS takes over the body. The end result can be a total collapse of Democratic political world view.
That's all the examples we have time for, today, so in conclusion I'd like to warn everyone about trying to handle any of these STS infected phrases on your own. They can infect even the most diligent amongst us. Please keep all samples in the lab.
Despite being in the grips of a full-on STS episode, Senator Obama managed to articulate several key points about public funding for elections and the importance of the GOP clean house to get rid of all the crooks they have in Washington. That is a good sign that he is aware of his disease and trying to deal with it. He's a fighter and we should admire him.
But STS is ruthless and unforgiving, and it will be up to us to help Senator Obama fight off future episodes before they become so severe that the only people capable of understanding him when he speaks are the suffers of Type 1 and 2 CSD (C-SPAN Disease).
How can we help him?
Since there is no medical cure for STS and surgery has proven ineffective, the only solution is group therapy to treat the symptoms.
Send Senator Obama letters and emails of support, saying that we understand how devestating this disease can be and that it is not his fault he contracted it. STS can be transmitted quickly by just one infected carrier. Then ask Senator Obama to try hard--try very hard--to keep it under control. We need Democratic Senators who speak clearly in the language of our ideas, and until we find a cure for STS, it will be his responsibility to keep it in check.
Clearly, Senator Obama did not get elected to office suffering from STS. If he had, no supporter would have voted for him because his famous campaign stump speeches, under the influence of STS, would have sounded like jargony footnotes in a journal of political policy. So it is obviouis that he contracted STS in Washington DC, probably from sharing a room with another infected Democratic Senator.
But despite his disease, let's not ostrasize Senator Obama. Remember, STS sufferers are victims of a disease that has no cure, and they need our help.