To the folks of Oklahoma and Texas:
Sorry to see that you are losing your homes to raging brush fires.
But as you all know - you guys have been votin Republican for so long now because you wanted to get 'big guvment' off your backs. And so it is.
Just want you to know that those of here in the blue states - well, we believe in you.
You are the self-proclaimed rugged individuals, so turn that frown upside-down. There is no time to lose with a 60 foot high wall of flame, burning at 4000 degrees and bearing down on you at 8-12 miles an hour.
~ continued ~
You know, for the last twenty years or so, those of us in the blue states have really pissed at you for blindly voting to destroy government services for ordinary people at every level.
So don't think of these fires as a catastrophic tragedy from which you may never recover.
This is your chance to prove us wrong by beating these fires and/or rebuilding your lives all by yourselves.
You don't want everyone thinking that you are a 'welfare queen' looking for 'free handout', or even worse - one of those pointy-headed blue state intellectual pussy types, now do you?
Hell no, partner! Pull yourself up by your boot straps, grab the garden hose, wake the bucket brigade, and get out there and save the homestead son!! You can do it!! You know you can - just like in Chicago, erh..., I mean Boston....no....maybe London...well forget all that.
Just remember, that in the event that your garden hose can't squelch a raging inferno that is unleashing more energy than the bomb we dropped on Hiroshima - you'll get by. You'll be okay.
We know you won't come running around looking for any of those government welfare...erh, I mean FEMA checks.
We know you aren't going on tv to bitch and moan about being a 'victim' like "those........people" down there in New Orleans (wink wink).
This is your opportunity to bask in the libertarian utopia that you have helped bring about here in America.
A roof over your head? You don't need no stinking government roof over your head. You can just pitch a tent right out there on the prairie -and watch the dear and antellope play.
I hear it might get a little rough out there in the winter, but that's okay because the native Americans have been doing it for thousands of years and I am sure they'll be happy to help you out if you have any trouble. Just ask one of 'em. And the great news is that they shouldn't be hard to find - Rush Limbaugh says there are more of them alive today than there were when Columbus first got here. Thank God Rush is always right! Ditto to that!!
That's the one thing about you red staters that makes us blue staters feel inadequate. You guys just love that 19th century standard of living - and you are tough enough to handle it.
So God Bless and Go Get 'Em!! We are all counting on you to show us how evil and intrusive big government really is.
With Sincere Best Wishes,
Adam Smith's Middle Finger
(Cross-posted on crooksandliars.com)