Washington D.c. - In a startling surprise press conference early this morning, President George W. Bush and Attorney General Alberto Gonzalez issued a statement designating the Congressional Page program a terrorist organization, and all members thereof "unlawful enemy combatants". House Republican members Dennis Hastert (R-Illinois), John Boehner (R-Ohio), and Don Sherwood (R-Pennsylvania), as well as Senator Rick Santorum (R-Pennsylvania), were present to give statements as well. Below are a few select quotes from their press conference.
Attorney General Gonzalez: Today's designation of the Page Program as a terrorist organization was not a decision we made lightly. This action comes after days of careful deliberations during which we decided there was ample legal basis to declare the Page Program a terrorist organization due to their illegal inducement of our elected representatives to commit illegal and immoral acts.
President Bush: This act sends a strong message to the terrists (sic). We will no longer tolerate their attempts to sap our precious bodily fluids.
Dennis Hastert: Today's actions bring a welcome and much deserved vindication to Congressman Mark Foley. His name has been cleared and he has been reinstated as Congressman from the 16th District of Florida. He was not responsible for his actions, his actions were triggered by the disgusting terrorists hiding within our very Government.
John Boehner: They kept following me in the hallways and mispronouncing my name as "boner". They were so young and lithe. Such strong smooth legs. What was I supposed to do? I had no idea...so, I dropped my pants in front of them and showed them a real boner. I told them, "THIS is a boner! My name is pronounced 'BAY-ner'." Anyway, thankfully, Our Glorious Leader President Bush uncovered the links between the Page Program and Al Qaeda himself. Now I know that my feelings were not an accident. They were specifically engineered by the terrorists to weaken our resolve to fight terrorism all over the world.
Don Sherwood: As soon as I found out that the Pages were sponsoring terrorism here in the United States--here in our very own Capitol!--I instantly choked to death every single one of those dirty little terrorists in my Office.
Rick Santorum: Events in this matter show that the terrorists will not hesitate to use any tactic they can against us. Homosexuality and pedophilia are now tools of the terrorists. Soon the terrorists may even attempt to seduce us with box turtles. (Muttering) ...those beautiful turtles...their beady eyes...those shells... (Shudders visibly, looks back at the Press in the audience). We must not allow the terrorists to exploit our deepest weaknesses.
To accompany this startling move by the Bush Administration, the FBI has announced that they are rounding up all current and recent former members of the Congressional Page Program for an all expenses paid vacation at Club Gitmo where they can enjoy their new status as unlawful enemy combatants. President Bush also announced that newly-reinstated Congressman Mark Foley has now been reassigned to be the new Head Overseer at the Guantanamo Bay Detainment Camp where he will be tasked with conducting the interrogations of the new terrorist population using all of the tools and techniques allowed by the Detainee Bill recently passed by Congress.