As we have learned, simply because the government releases information, that does not mean that we have the right to reprint it. Especially if right-wing talk radio and cable have run out of fresh outrages. With that in mind, imagine the horror I felt when I saw a frontpage diary titled,
'Oops! They Forgot the Bread!' In this diary - ostensibly about class issues (yeah, right) - one of the most brilliant anti-Castro plots ever was 'innocently' laid bare - for the whole world to see! Here's the quote:
In one of the more extreme cases of apparent abuse, the GAO said a Miami-based group used government money to purchase "a gas chainsaw, computer gaming equipment and software (including Nintendo Game Boys and Sony PlayStations), a mountain bike, leather coats, cashmere sweaters, crab meat, and Godiva chocolates
What the wily frontpager (I can't use the name since we are not allowed to 'call-out' other diarists) did not tell you was that this was actually a fiendishly clever scheme to finally get the commies. Here's how it would have worked (were it not for 'you meddling kids'):
1. Use a gas powered chainsaw to chop down the remaining coconut trees and pot plants in the Miami/Dade metro region. This would have the effect of forcing the homeless south to Key West since the one remaining natural food resource and the one remaining natural recreation resource in the greater Miami area are both now completely gone. The wood is used to build a fleet of barges, and the pot plants are woven into flea collars.
2. Meanwhile, competing game platforms are channeled to rival south Florida gangs thus intensifying their already bitter rivalries. Then rumors are spread about Key West's trendiest flea market being the only place to be able to buy the respective platform's new L33t consoles prior to the official release date. The official release date is only a few days after Fidel Castro's birthday.
3. The mountain bike is used to lure various hippy sorts to a Key West 'Peace and Sustainability' concert to be held right next to Key West's trendiest flea market on Fidel Castro's birthday. Unbeknownst to the concert go-ers the concert site is a coconut grove already occupied by the coconut-cracking homeless.
4. The leather coats are put on sale at a deep discount at Key West's trendiest flea market to lure the Miami S&M community further south. The sale starts on Fidel Castro's birthday.
5. Similarly, the cashmere sweaters are also put on sale at a deep discount at Key West's trendiest flea market to attract Miami's large pool of new-money debutantes. That sale also starts on Fidel Castro's birthday.
6. Key West is the home to a large pride of six-toed cats, all said to be descended from Ernest Hemingway's very own favorite kitty. Hemingway is said to have spoiled his kitty so it takes a real treat to tempt the descendents. Thus the crab meat. The crab meat is placed strategically in several locations, all between Key West's trendiest flea market and its southernmost docks. Most of the cat runs are designed to have the various groups chase the kitties for various reasons: the homeless are looking for something to add to their coconut stew; the rival gangs are looking for docile creatures to torture; at the concert, an announcement is made that the cat collars are made of hemp rope (and - thanks to the gas-powered chainsaws - it will have been dry lately); and the S&M crowd realizes the provenance of 'owning' a Hemingway cat. The one exception is the cohort of debutantes, who are chased by the cats. This is because the cashmere sweaters have already been preloaded with crab meat (lump-crab, of course) and the debs run in terror at the thought of the cats clawing the new sweaters. All participants in this great race wind up herded onto the fleet of coconut-wood barges.
7. During the voyage, agents provocateur pass out matches and papers so that the crews can smoke the flea collars. The barges, having reached Havana with their crews, dock; and secret smuggling hatches are opened to reveal an opulent cargo of Godiva chocolates. The crews, having made peace during the voyage (thanks to the flea collars), scoop up the chocolates and march, en masse to Fidel's house where they explain to the guards that, just like Cuba and the US, they too were once enemies. Then they serenade the dictator with endless choruses of, "It's a Small World After All." After the 117th chorus, Fidel has them all shot. However, he instructs his guards to bring in the chocolates. This lets in the six-toed cats who assure the palace watchdogs that it's OK to eat these chocolates since they are an expensive, capitalist, brand. The greedy dogs gobble up the Godiva chocolates, fall into a stupor, and the palace - now unguarded since the human guards are busy rifling the S&M corpses in the hope that old auto parts may be attached to their chains - is ripe for invasion.
Hey, makes about as much sense as a doctored cigar.