Jesus H. Christ is running in the democratic primary for 2008 as the democratic nominee and here is why he simply can't win.
- His name is very eccentric. In some places it's pronounced "hey-zeus". It sounds foreign. Plus no one knows what the "H" in his middle name stands for. American's simply won't vote for a weird name. Who knows the "H" could even stand for some moslem sounding name like "Hussein".
- He is very polarizing. Lot's of people love him, but billions hate him and think he is leading the infidels. Billions of others really just don't care about him - many thinking he doesn't really matter anymore.
- He is not a fresh face. The media love's fresh faces, like that cult around the corner that started last year. Jesus has been around for a long time already. Give the MSM something new. The media is looking for the new Jesus Christ.
- One of his platform issues is poverty and helping those less fortunate than him. Come on, what an unexciting platform. The poor don't vote and the poor can't make campaign contributions. Poverty is simply not a winning issue. The multinationals will not support Jesus.
- What did he do in the last debate with Lucifer? People think Lucifer is winning the debates. Jesus comes across as "too nice" who cares if he stands for good things, Lucifer gives the impression of a winner. Besides Jesus has this thick head of hair that distracts us from his issues.
- What has Jesus done with his time in office? I mean he says a lot of nice things about the poor and being stewards of the land, but what has Jesus done to end poverty and stop global warming with his time in office? As far as I can tell it's still here and he has done nothing to end them.
- Jesus says he's against war but what has he done to stop it? I mean, he had the power to stop Collin Powell from going to the U.N. to make that speech by striking him down, and he certainly had the power to vote against the AUMF/IWR but did he?
- Everyone knows candidates to save the world only have a couple thousand years to do it. Otherwise the next savior gets his chance. Christianity had its chance, it is damaged goods.
- Jesus is a bit of a light-weight. While he seeks converts Christianity is a minority of the worlds believers, his resume hasn't really done much for us. He clearly is losing to Mohammed in public opinion polls.
- Jesus is not charismatic enough. Sure on paper what he says seems reasonable, but he is just not a good enough politician. You can't tell people that in the short term you can't balance the budget after Bush's deficits and invest in the future at the same time and eliminate the deficit. Way too truthful an answer. Jesus leaves a lot to be desired as a politician. He seems to phony. I mean if he has all this power why isn't he using it.
- Jesus has been involved in too many accounting scandals. That bread and fishes thing is just nuts. Turning water into wine. yada yada. Too many scandals in his past. Will be hearing about all the wacky stuff he's done in the past. Plus his whole immaculate conception thing is just weird.
- Jesus is actually calling on his constituents to do something in their own lives. Americans are too lazy and just want to be told to chill, and wait for their savior to fix everything for them. Voters want to be told vote for me and I'll fix everything. This call to action plank is too optimistic.
- Jesus may have the credentials and all on paper, but people don't elect resumes for president. Rhodes scholar, Masters in economics from Oxford. Supreme allied commander. But can he raise the money to compete with Lucifer, and did he learn anything from his last run for the democratic nominee. Plus he used to be Jewish and we saw how lieberman asked him when he knew he was a Christian in the last debate.
- Lucifer will say Jesus wants to raise your taxes. While Jesus says "investing" in our future is a good thing, we all know Jesus wants to raise your taxes, by taking from the well-off and giving it to the less fortunate.
- Jesus is soft on terror. He doesn't want to bomb people and he will let the terrorists win. He's too peaceful. There is no way someone like Jesus can beat Lucifer in the general election, whom he'd face. Lucifer will say Jesus is "not supporting the troops" because he talks about turning the other cheek.
Jesus simply can not win either in the primary or in the general election. Jesus is unelectable. Feingold on the other hand, that is a Member of the Tribe with a chance..