The meaning of life has been in front of our noses since we were babies. Children instinctively follow this path while adults foolishly try to thwart their every effort. Adults lucky enough to rediscover the meaning are attacked from all sides as being irresponsible and immature as if worry and seriousness were the keys to the kingdom. I know you're impatient and I have no desire to keep you in the dark any longer. The meaning, key and golden nugget of life is FUN. That's why four letter words are considered profane, we instinctively know they have overshot the mark.
I am not having fun, well maybe a smidgen writing this essay, releasing myself of thought control with the hope it will get to the masses. I'm at work - the antithesis of my purpose in life. I'm looking for something to jolt me out of this reality. I've nothing to do and no desire to change it, unless it's fun, but that's impossible here.
Maybe I'll have a piece of nicotine gum. That's as high as I get. Even SamE the joint helper, liver cleaner and mood enhancing supplement is too strong for me, makes me feel out of control like the foggy left over high of crashing and panicking when your meth is gone. Now I'm in the "it's got to be legal" phase of getting high. That and wanting to be able to stay in my own lane while driving. Now street lights seem optional and ambiguous. Is this residue from years of drug experimenting I'm too proud to call abuse or am I already deteriorating from age? Would that explain the rash of tiny pimples on my forehead? Would anything explain them?
I wanna change - become the new me I plan to be on paper all the time. The new me I've been becoming since I lost sight of the real me - the me I was and was Ok with being. The me I didn't question or doubt and wasn't constantly trying to reinvent, as if I weren't here to begin with. The cute smart innocent perfect round soft tiny short me who loved black and white TV, peanut butter and being outside.
Maybe I can get the ok with being me back and find better use of my free time, like watching clouds overhead. Should I start with wearing pastel blue clothes with snaps or go back to looking at everything for the first time? And when did I get the silly notion I had to change consciously? When I made a wrong turn and needed to be rerouted or because of some fucked up experience with fucked up people? Does knowing the cause lead me to the cure or can I jumpstart to the remedy; and if so what would it be? Not the Nic gum I guess. But wouldn't the real me try it? I was a curious kid, which led to the drugs...hmmm, I see a cycle here.
Ok, maybe there is no need to change who I am but maybe change the choices I made. Guess that does mean I gotta revisit where I made the wrong choice, even if, especially when they were mental choices. Oh this is good, am I up to it? Well, I've got four hours left in today and I can either sit here and type this or sit here and surf eBay, dailykos and .....can't think of any where else. Ok, I`ll write this. I may have a life-changing epiphany, I may become the me I wanna become who really is the me that is Ok with being me. Maybe they're one and the same and all my list making was really trying to find my way back home to my perfect self? Now can you see how streetlights may sometimes seem optional?