Well the results are finally just about in. With 92% of the precints reporting, Democrat Tom Finsterdale has failed in his bid to unseat entrenched ex-tobacco lobbyist/real estate developer/convict/poker enthusiast Jerry Swizzletits.
The pundits had this election earmarked as a "bellwether" but the forecast has now become decidedly cloudy with a chance of intemittent rain until 6 PM. Some will say it's too early for post-mortems, but if we are ever going to take back the House, we have to decide if we're really serious about winning. I'm tired of so-called moral victories. I'm ready for some amoral victories.
Jerry Swizzletits wasn't concerned with "moral victories" when he settled charges of sodomizing altar boys for an undisclosed sum said to be in the low 7-figures. He didn't shrink from the challenge when his chief of staff couldn't explain why a campaign donation check was signed over to a Sri Lankan brothel, under the moniker ChildSexToursRUS.com. No, Jerry Swizzletits rolled up his sleeves and went to work.
Maybe it's time some of us stuck our heads out of the echo chamber and finally realized what it's going to take to win these things. 'Cause I'm tired of hanging with the retards in the back of the bus. I'm not some kind of pussy who cant finish a dissertation in my seventh year of post-graduate work. I'm a mensch who cant finish a dissertation in my seventh year of post-graduate work, and it's time my candidate reflected that about me.
Looking back, it's hard not to cringe at all the times Tom Finsterdale kept tripping over his two left feet (now there's a name for a political blog, MyTwoLeftFeet, for progressives who love to wallow and revel in losing, the stupid losers). Like the time Tom Finsterdale stopped to get gas while driving his used Carolla to a press conference. It didn't take long for Jerry Swizzletits and his organization to pounce all over that one, and question whether Finsterdale's car met emission standards, wondering why Finsterdale prefers to hasten the apocalyptic onslaught of an environmental climate catastrophe rather than putting his consituents interest's first and simply walking. Shit, I've hitched that distance hundreds of times over the years. What was Tom Finsterdale thinking?
Or the time Tom Finsterdale momentarily paused after a reporter's question and scratched his nose. Within 8 hours, a barrage of radio spots were filling the local airwaves, pointing out the obvious signs of that Finsterdale was a habitual cocaine user. Then Finsterdale compounded the problem by pointing out how Swizzletits had been busted several times by state police over the last year for shooting heroin with transvestite hookers under highway overpasses. Like that's going to help the situation. Jesus Christ motherfucker, don't put your foot in any deeper than you already are! And above all. Stop. Scratching. Your. Fucking. Nose.
Sure some will say that Jerry Swizzletits' impending prison sentence will necessitate a special election to fill the vacuum created after Swizzletits won last night's special election. And Finsterdale's team may be in position to capitalize on the problems Swizzletits' shooting of his wife creates for the GOP. But for me, I've seen enough.
When is my party going to find us some winners to get behind? I've freaking had it! Say what you will about Tom Finsterdale, his work with burn victims, his Rhodes Scholarship, his MacArthur grant, his self financed campaign. This episode has proven to me he's a punk, and a loser. Loooooooooser!! The fact that some around here feel there's hope for a Finsterdale resurgence, they need to check their meds. We need to find someone serious, who wants to win. That means thinking outside of the box. Why don't Dems and their leaders ever recruit from the ranks of retired pro wrestlers, for example? Dude, some of those guys got through their entire careers without losing a single match! That's the kind of commitment to excellence I'm talking about!
When the rest of you are as interested in achieving results, as opposed to whining about the big, bad, mean, child abusing, heroin addicted, wife shooting Republicans, let me know.
I'm trying to take back our country.