Criticism.
There has been much talk around here about the topic. Of course, everyone has been critical of everything that has been said. I thought I would put my two cents in to try to help.
I have read some of what has already been said. The main gist is to make sure your criticism is constructive, that you are polite and respectful, yadda, yadda, yadda. Well, that's a bunch of bullshit.
If you are going to be critical, don't be helpful, don't be respectful, be smart! I hereby offer some tips on being the biggest asshole without having the asshole label pinned to your lapel.
Tip #1--Be sincere. Tell a sad story about yourself so that people will feel sorry for you as you insult someone else. You will be pitied, not reviled.
example: If a piano had not fallen on my new puppy today while I was on my way to my best friend's funeral (the funeral I was going to when I got into the car accident and broke my pelvis), I would have told you how full of shit you really are.
Tip #2--Quote old movies. People love that! The ones who recognize the quote will immediately feel superior to everyone else, and the ones who don't recognize it will feel too stupid to comment. The bonus is that your insult will be glossed over in favor of discussing whether people liked or disliked the movie.
example:
Why don't you wake up and smell what you're shoveling?
If someone dares to get on your case for being nasty, and noone has volunteered the information, your comeback is, "You've never heard that line? Sergeant Al Powell (played by Reginald VelJohnson) said it in Die Hard! I loved that movie!" Now, you have completely changed the subject, and you have impressed the populace with your ability to pull a movie quote out of your ass as well as with your impressive movie trivia knowledge!
Here, use this when you need some help.
Tip #3--Don't make it your insult, blame someone else! Use the words of a famous person to make your point.
example: As Shakespeare said in Richard III:
Out of my sight! Thou dost infect my eyes.
Hey, you never insulted anyone! You were merely educating the great unwashed about Shakespeare. (Oh, no need to actually ever read Shakespeare, just go here!) Who is going to argue with someone who can quote Shakespeare? Better yet, invoke some obscure philosopher that you once read a sentence by in college. People either won't know who or what you are talking about, or they will deem you way too boring to have a conversation with.
Tip #4--Be self-effacing.
example: Geez, and people think I'm dumb!
Other commenters won't want to destroy your self-esteem even more, so they will assure you of your own brilliance while indirectly agreeing with you as to the stupidity of the person you are really insulting.
Tip #5--Confuse the hell out of people. Make your insult so vague and confusing that noone is quite sure which side you are on.
example: Wow...just wow!
Huh? Are you dazzled by brilliance or baffled by bullshit? Who knows? They can't pin a thing on you.
Tip #6--Insult and run. Be very polite as you rip someone to shreds, and explain in advance that you will not stick around to hear any replies. If the remark comes back to haunt you, you can always say you were misunderstood and, unfortunately, not present to clear up the misunderstanding.
example: Allow me to say that you are so completely full of shit, and, if I had the time, I would explain why in detail. However, I doubt that anything you say will be convincing anyway, so please excuse me.
Notice how I said allow me, please, and excuse me? Etiquette doesn't have to take a lot of time!
Tip #7--Use lots of initials and acronyms. Call out as many people as you want and be nasty, but use initials and lots of acronyms.
example: Just like PB said to MT the other day in VM's diary (iirc), fwiw, i don't really care what you say about HC or JR or BO! Iow, I read what you wrote about the msm and now i am roflmfaowpmp. Please syfph, or, better yet, follow up with a gbcw diary. TTFN!
Very few people will have an attention span long enough to try to figure out what the hell you are talking about.
Tip #8--Be magnanimous. Noone can fault you if you are being more than fair.
example: You are so unbelievable assinine and moronic! If I am proven wrong, I am a big enough person to take it back.
Note: Never take it back. Blame the other person for not explaining something well enough the first time, thereby forcing you to completely misunderstand what s/he said.
Tip #9 & #10--Be the victim, and make it impersonal. Make sure the other person knows how much s/he is making you suffer.
example: I don't think that you are an imbecilic douchebag. It's just that you broke the rule about ______(insert ambiguous and unevenly-applied rule here). It hurts me to call you out on this, but the rules are the rules!
Yes! You can combine the tips and make them much more effective! Notice how you have turned things around and made the other person the source of your unease. You have also noted that your criticism is out of your hands; your hand was forced by your diligence in protecting the community.
Tip #11--Shock value. If someone is choking on a pretzel or has Sprite exiting their nostrils and spraying their keyboards, they won't realize what an asshole you really are!
example: I have to take issue with what you said. It is almost as stupid as the explanation my boyfriend gave me when I caught him fucking a goat.
I hope these tips help. If not, what the hell do I care? Fuck you very much for stopping by.