I had a diary all written and ready to go for tonite's "I Got The News Today" edition. In light of today's expected announcement of the new 15 month tours, I thought I would postpone that diary in order to do some freestyle journaling and expose the raw, bleeding, and battered psyche of an Army wife whose husband is caught up in the extension...
This may be rambling and incoherent in places, so please excuse the messy state of mind I'm in. I'm also taking random hits from my aerosol can of whipped cream.
So today it became official; I have another anniversary, another one of his birthdays, another one of my birthdays, another Thanksgiving, another Christmas, another New Year's Eve, and possibly even another Valentine's Day where I will be alone. Again.
And yes, I know I have posted in the past few days that this was an expected development. However, even when you are expecting it, it doesn't prepare you for when you see the official announcements. It's all published and announced so nonchalantly too; three months is no big deal, right? Wrong. Three more months is an eternity.
Of course, I'm reminded again that we are "fungible," although I don't feel like that right now. I feel and have felt today, in no particular order; hatred, fear, anger, rage, hopelessness, revulsion, powerlessness, depression, despair, loathing, sadness, terror, resentment and lastly, I feel like I need to puke. And no, that feeling isn't because of my raging aerosol whipped cream habit.
This afternoon, when I saw the news bulletins, it was all I could do to get through the next two hours of work without breaking down into a sobbing mess. I will not cry at work, I do not want pity from my coworkers. I do not want pity from DailyKos either. Maybe I am hoping that if I spill my guts here, I will be able to sleep through the night. I don't know. I don't know what I hope for anymore. I don't even know what "hope" is anymore.
My heart is breaking, and I have no idea how to heal it, or even if it can be healed. Even worse, the man who's shoulder I lean on during the darkest of times, is no where near. The tears that I've held back all afternoon, are finally dropping on my keyboard, and soon the little Dutch boy holding his finger in the hole of the dam filled with my emotions; will drown in a torrential flood of tears. Tonite, I will cry by myself, alone, in our bed.
I am scared of what this may do to our marriage. Actually, I'm terrified. I feel isolated from him, and unable to talk to him about the deepest, darkest, most horrible thoughts I have about the military, this futile and badly run war, and the country he serves. The statistics do not bode well for any marriage in weathering this storm. We've managed to stay married almost 14 years, how much longer will we be able to beat the odds?
My country has betrayed me, has betrayed my husband, yet again, and we have no control over the situation that we find ourselves in. My country is holding my husband hostage, and I can't even negotiate his release.
And even though I know I am strong and my husband is strong, and that we have dealt with other setbacks and challenges in our life together; I wonder how much more bad news our spirits will be able to take before they finally break. How much more can my husband take? How much more can our marriage take? Where will I find the strength to move beyond this excruciating pain and disappointment? When will we get our life back?
Dear America: You broke my heart today.
Yesterday, the Department of Defense announced that Philip Murphy-Sweet, Rodney McCandless, Levi Hoover, Ebe Emolo, Jonathan Grassbaugh, Jesse Williams, Harrison Brown, David Simmons, and Clifford A. Spohn III.
Nine names.
Nine families left with a hole that will never be filled.
All of the U.S. fatalities can be seen here or here. They all had loved ones, families and friends. The DoD news releases are here.
I Got the News Today is a diary series intended to honor, respect and remind. This series is maintained by i dunno, with the help of Sandy on Signal, monkeybiz and myself.
Click here for the previous diary in this series or click the IGTNT tag.