Every morning, I wake up and there is a knot in the pit of my stomach. It’s been there, festering, for over a year now. It’s such a regular part of my life; that I can’t remember what it was like to not feel fear and worry as regular parts of my daily activities.
Some days, it feels like too much to bear, and it's all I can do to get out of bed. I feel like I might be stuck in my own personal "Groundhog Day." On those days, I have to remind myself to breathe, to put one foot in front of the other, and to keep moving.
By the time my deployment odyssey is over, my knot will probably be a full-blown ulcer. I envision my doctor telling me at my next exam; "Congratulations silvercedes," you’ve just given birth to a six pound ulcer that used to be your stomach...."
Yesterday, I read a news article where General Petraeus told everyone to expect more casualties as the military moves into the rougher neighborhoods of Baghdad. To the average American civilian with no connection to the military who is out shopping, this probably means nothing. This news is only scary if you have someone "over there" right now, or if you’re one of the 35,000 troops (or their families) put on notice for deployment yesterday.
I read that article, and my stomach did that flip-flop thing again. My knot dropped down even further and caused alternating bouts of hopelessness, fear, and worry.
I feel hopeless because it appears that this will never end, and I’ve stopped expecting that the politicians will do anything to make necessary changes. It's more of the same. It appears that more arbitrary deadlines will be set, and again nothing will be done when those deadlines come and go without results. I worry more than what my previous level of "normal" worry was when I don’t see new email from my husband every morning. I worry when I he hasn’t signed into his instant messenger for longer than a day.
I feel even more fearful, because this escalation also means an escalation in casualties, and we have it from General Petraeus’s own mouth that this is expected. I am scared that my husband may become "just a number" or, "a comma," and a faceless statistic on the OIF casualty page, just like all the other names there now.
My knot grows with each passing day as more and more bad news comes from Baghdad and the rest of Iraq, and as I hear from my own personal "live-feed" in Baghdad. It grows with every announced death from the DoD. Every suicide bomber and IED attack rubs salt into it, causing excruciating pain and anxiety until I get that next email, IM, or phone call letting me know he's okay.
I worry when I read things that make me believe that some of our leaders are so hopelessly out of touch (the full battle rattle stroll through the Indiana Market comes to mind) with what is really going on over there; that their decisions are reckless and bring even more danger to my husband and his colleagues. I want to scream at them "This is not a game of chess. There are real lives at stake here!"
Today, the Department of Defense announced the names of Robert Dixon, Sameer Rateb, Vincenzo Romeo, Matthew Alexander, Anthony Bradshaw, Michael Pursel, Joel Lewis, Jason Harkins, and Virgil Chance Martinez. Nine more soldiers gone. Nine more families grieving today, their lives changed forever.
Today it feels like too much.
According to the Iraq Coalition Casualty Count the number of names released by the DoD is now 3377 and there are 4 more names of the deceased awaiting notification of the next of kin before being publicly released.
All of the U.S. fatalities can be seen here or here. They all had loved ones, families and friends. The DoD news releases are here.
I Got the News Today is a diary series intended to honor, respect and remind. This series is maintained by i dunno, with the help of Sandy on Signal, monkeybiz, noweasels and myself.
Click here for the previous diary in this series or click the IGTNT tag.