Click.
(We join the cable news program already in progress. The unmistakable voice of James Earl Jones tells viewers where they are.)
"This...is CHN."
(Cut to newsroom)
"Welcome back to the studio. I’m Katie Cookiecutter."
"And I’m Brian Blowdryer."
"And this is CHN, the Complete Hysteria Network."
"All hysteria, all the time."
"What’s the latest Brian?"
"Well Katie, we’ve got new information on the 31 year-old Atlanta lawyer, Andrew Speaker, rapidly becoming known as the TB Terrorist..."
"Excuse me, Brian. Are others besides us calling him that?"
"Well, so far just Fox News and a couple of wacko bloggers, Katie, but it’s only a matter of time."
"Go ahead, Brian."
"Thank you, Katie. As I was saying, we’ve got new information about the TB Terrorist’s globetrotting bio-terror junket. Scientists are saying that he could have infected hundreds with a drug-resistant strain of tuberculosis."
"How many have been confirmed as infected so far Brian?"
"Well, none Katie. Still the possibility exists for hundreds, and those individuals could infect hundreds more. We’re looking at a possible super pandemic."
"Shocking. A super pandemic; that’s even worse than a regular pandemic. What can people do to protect themselves, Brian?"
"Well, Katie. The best thing they can do is stay home and not go anywhere. If they do have to go out, they should probably not breathe. Also, people should avoid all those cities around the globe that the TB Terrorist visited. Paris, Rome, Athens, Montreal, New York."
"Is there anything people living in those cities can do?"
"Besides not breathing?"
"Right."
"Yes, Katie. They can take the same sort of defensive measures that were well publicized after 9-11 and during the anthrax scare."
"Seal themselves into a small room with plastic sheeting and duct tape?"
"That’s correct, Katie."
"Alright, we’ve got to take a short break, then we’ll be back with more on the story of the TB Terrorist."
(Cut to commercials: refinance your home for free, lose weight while eating whatever you want, solve your erectile dysfunction problem. Cue James Earl Jones)
"This...is CHN"
(Cut to newsroom)
"We’re back. Brian. Let me ask you this. Do we have to worry about copy-cat bio-terrorists?"
"Absolutely, Katie. Even as we speak there could be individuals with all kinds of infectious diseases flying in planes and crossing our borders. People with mumps, measles, chicken pox..."
"Athletes’ foot?"
Absolutely, athletes’ foot. Then there are all those Mexicans with leprosy Lou Dobbs has been talking about."
"It’s a frightening scenario, Brian. So what’s next for the TB Terrorist?"
"Well, Katie, it looks like he’s in for a lengthy quarantine followed by, hopefully, an extended stay in prison."
"Guantanamo, Brian?"
"Quite possibly, Katie."
"Quarantine, Guantanamo. Say that fast three times. By the way, our viewers can weigh in on this subject. Just go to CHN.com and answer our poll question: What is the appropriate punishment for the TB Terrorist?
a. solitary confinement
b. deprivation techniques
c. waterboarding
d. flogging
e. all of the above
Strong measures, Brian."
"Yes they are, Katie."
"Okay, that’s all the time we have for this half hour; but we’ll be right back for another half hour with more on the TB Terrorist. How did he get through border security? Does homeland security need a complete overhaul? Do we need congressional hearings?"
"That sounds like complete hysteria, Katie."
"That’s right, Brian. It’s what we do best. I’m Katie Cookiecutter."
"And I’m Brian Blowdryer. And this is CHN."
"The Complete Hysteria Network."
"All hysteria, all the time."
(Cut to commercial)
Click.