Join me in my epic yet futile quest to find. . . a burger. No. Really.
Growl. Grumble. It's not me; it's my stomach. You don't have to smoke pot to get a case of the munchies; having not eaten for half a day will do the job.
Refrigerator is mostly empty. What's left is stuff I've eaten regularly in the past week -- not in the mood. It's past 10 PM. Ohio is a backwards state, so even in a Columbus suburb, everything closes at 9. Even if I knew where the nearest farmer's market was, that place is open a jaw-dropping three hours a week. Only place to get food is Kroger, the 24-hour grocery store. Now, I'm in the mood for some meat. Pork or beef would be nice. Thing is, I'm actually aware that what I eat becomes part of what I am, so I'd prefer to avoid something overly disgusting.
Now, dear readers, join me in my epic yet futile quest to find. . . a burger. (What, were you expecting the Holy Grail?)
In the "I have my head in the clouds yuppie Democrat" isle, I have imitation vegan soy-based meat substitute. Nice to know it's at least certified organic by the USDA, though that's rapidly losing its meaning nowadays. But egads, you know what kind of processing soy has to go through before it resembles meat?? Basically, it really ain't mere tofu anymore, and even after all that trouble, it bears a creepy resemblance to the scary stuff in Aisle 7. So this highly processed, foul-tasting gunk is supposed to be superior to "the other leading brand"? Isn't there something hypocritical about heavily processed vegan products?
In the "I support the billionaires fucking my ass uninformed Republican" isle, I have CAFO-raised, antibiotic-fed, unregulated mega-corporate meat. The stuff is cheap, and it's real meat, but it has god knows what inside it. When England got mad cow, they slaughtered their cows by the million. When America got mad cow, the USDA declared U.S. beef was safe before launching an investigation. But just to make sure, they blamed Canada, turning the USDA into a South Park punchline. Isn't there something hypocritical about rural Republicans raucously cheering unregulated mega-corporations destroying their livelihood?
Egads, since when did shopping for food become so partisan? Look, maybe I just want a nice burger, OK? Not a shit-contaminated, farmer-destroying lump of cheap meat. Not a "natural" fake meat product that, lacking meat content altogether, won't help small beef farmers any more than these bastards. How about a nice, juicy burger made of grass-fed, pasture-raised, small farm beef?
Food, real food, done right. Is it that novel of an idea?