Many of you already know me, from my frequent correspondence, asking you to support or fight against various pieces of legislation. Today, however, I am contacting you with a different sort of request. I need a favor from you, and it will take a while--at least until the end of the 2008 election cycle. Here's what I need: A personal commitment from each and every one of you not to do anything illegal, unethical, or especially anything sexually embarrassing.
I know what you're thinking. You're thinking that your habits, practices, and proclivities are above reproach. But here's the thing: that's not completely true for any of us. Maybe you are tempted to take money from a source that you're not 100% sure is legit. Maybe you occasionally park in a handicap spot, just to run into the dry cleaners. Maybe you've always wondered what would happen if you tap back in response to that query from the guy in the restroom stall next to yours. We all have our weaknesses. But please, for me. DON'T DO IT!
We're at a critical and familiar point in this race. Your republican opponents have been caught doing illegal, unethical, and downright yucky things so often that when one of them gets caught taking bribes, abusing their political influence, or engaging in exactly the same sexual behavior that they've spent years railing against, it barely makes the news. But you need to understand that if you get caught doing any of these things, IT WILL BE NEWS. And no matter what the magnitude of the transgression, it will be used to make it seem like our side is just as corrupt, criminal, and hypocritical as their side.
So in a nutshell, what I'm asking for is this: Don't take money from anyone you shouldn't. In fact, don't even take a free lunch. Don't promise anyone a favor, don't even look like you might take a bribe. Don't try to steal information from your opponents, engage in any kind of dirty tricks, or sabotage them, especially now, while they are doing such a good job of that themselves. We can't afford any more New Jerseys.
Usually I don't think other people's sexual lives are any of my business, but just this once I have to ask you, for God's sake, please don't engage in any kind of sex in restrooms. Don't send creepy emails to pages, If you're gay, don't pretend you're straight, and don't be a hypocrite about it by voting against gay issues. Don't cheat on your spouse, and if you have cheated, don't castigate anyone else for having done so. I know, those things should be private, but in this climate, we all know that they are not.
So that's what I'm asking. You'll probably hear from me again soon about something else, and I trust you will do what you can, but the things I'm asking you for here are in your power to grant all by yourself. We all know that any breech--ethical, legal, or sexual--will make it look like we're just as dirty as they are. And at this critical juncture, we need it to be really, really clear that we are not.