Up late. Bored. Made a gmail account under John McCain's name and sent this to my address book. It felt good. Pointless, but at 3 a.m. very few things matter.
My Friends,
We face a crisis. The stock market is plummeting. People are losing their homes. The surge in Iraq was working but now the sunnis--or the shiites, I can never remember which is which--are calling for drilling in the ANWR province.
My friends, we cannot let these sunniites seize control of our valuable American Oil which I proudly use to fill up my literally 13 American cars, 3 of which are not American, and which Sarah Palin bathes in every night to get the blood of all the wolves she killed from a helicopter off her hands. Nothing gets out wolf's blood better than 100% Alaska crude. Did you know that Alaska generates 20% of the energy used by the U.S.? Sarah Palin knows more about energy than any one I know and I know a robot named 'Atomo' and you'd better believe he knows a little something about energy, but not as much as Sarah, who can field dress a moose.
A reporter recently asked me if I would meet with the President of Spain. First, I said "Who?" Then, I said, "I will not meet with any dictator from the northern hemisphere." Then an aid pulled me aside and gave me the pill that said "Tuesday." After that, I said I wouldn't meet with the president of Spain because he pulled 1000 troops out of Iraq. See, my friends, I am tough. Spain is a NATO ally and I just gave them the high hard one and I'm not even president. Imagine how hard I'll be on Putin. Heck, I might just push the big red button my first day in office just to show him who means business. Now is not the time for weakness, my friends.
My friends, you might have heard that my 'maverick' status has taken a beating recently in the press. The press has called me a liar, the 'double-talk express', Crash McCain, unbalanced, not fit to be president, a loose cannon, horrifyingly angry, John McRage--which is kind of cool--, off his brain medicine, McBush, John George W. McCain Bush the III, and the Michelin Man. Well, heh heh, what can you say to any of that but YOU LIBERAL FUCKERS!!! YOU'RE ALL IN THE TANK! WHY DON'T YOU REPORT ON SOME OF BARACK OBAMA'S CRAP, HUH?! HE WANTS TO TEACH SEX EDUCATION TO LITTLE KIDS! LIKE FIVE YEAR OLDS! IT'S TRUE! I APPROVED IT IN ONE OF MY ADS! OH, OH, AND THE NEW YORK TIMES, DOUBLE FUCK YOU, YOU BUNCH OF INK DRINKING RETARDS! WHAT ABOUT REZKO? WHAT ABOUT WILLIAM AYERS? WHEN BARACK OBAMA WAS 6, AYERS BLEW UP A STATUE WITH A BOMB! CAN YOU NOT SEE THE CONNECTION?! JESUS!!!
My friends, Wall St. has come to Washington, hat in hand and asked for a 700 billion dollar bailout. Apparently, without any rules, these so-called fat cats ran amuck and just made a whole bunch of money for themselves with no thought of other people or the economy, which, by the way, is fundamentally strong. I cannot believe that these guys were so greedy. Back in 1999, when my head economic adviser, Phil Gramm, and I were stripping every regulation off the books that would prevent this sort of catastrophe, I asked a bunch of Wall St. guys to pinky swear that they wouldn't get greedy and create some kind of economic crisis. Can you believe it? They pinky swore! What a bunch of jerks. Speaking of jerks, I have just learned that Barack Obama, that bastard, might have direct lobbying ties to Fanny Mae and Freddie Mac. My friends, in fact I am certain of it. My aide, Rick Davis told me, and if there's anyone who knows who lobbies for Freddie Mac, it's Rick Davis.
My friends, did you know that the letters of Barack Obama can be rearranged into 'Maraca Kabob' which--try not to get too frightened--IS SOMETHING THAT TERRORISTS EAT DAILY! Barack Obama is undoubtedly a terrorist who, once elected, will suicide bomb the white house, forcing us to spend your tax dollars on costly repairs. Now, now, you're probably wondering what sort of thing John McCain PoW--I had my name legally changed to include the PoW part. My time spent as a PoW is not something I like to talk about...before I wake up. Well, my friends, John McCain PoW rearranges into the words Ninja Chomp Cow, which is a breed of bovine that specifically bites the heads off terrorists. Barack Obama better watch out, cause come this first debate, I'm going to eat his head!
I close tonight with a pledge. That I will say anything to get elected. I will do anything to get elected. I will sacrifice a goat on the alter of a god so dark and powerful his name dare not be spoken aloud lest he awaken from his 10,000 year slumber and destroy us all, which, coincidentally, is the name of Sarah Palin's church, The First Church of He Whose Name Dare Not Be Spoken Aloud. That Sarah, she sure is kooky. She likes Mooseburgers, you know. Yesterday, she told me this great joke. What's the difference between Sarah Palin and Dick Cheney? Lipstick! Ha ha, she got me with that one, I said 'penis' and she just got this weird look on her face, then she started laughing, and her husband, 'the first dude' looked really sad.
My Friends, always remember country first! Now, if you'll excuse me, I need my diaper changed.
John McCain