A confession from my one-stop shop for Hillary hate. The real reason HRC must be stopped:
No. I'm not objective on the Clintons. But it's an opinion gained from many years of observing their cynicism, shallowness, self-serving machinations and self-righteousness. And, no, I do not believe that Bill Clinton is doing what he's doing out of marital duty either. Please. We all know what Bill Clinton believes he owes his wife as a wife. But what he owes her as a political device to regain power for the two of them is another matter.
Grab your bucket...
And the truth is: former president Bush never trashed his son's rivals as Bill Clinton has Obama; and has kept an admirable arm's length distance from his son's administration. Bill Clinton is campaigning for himself as well right now, his own future power. He'll be in a Clinton White House, ready from Day One. And if they get there for a third term, the marital psychodrama they inflicted on us for eight long years will be with us once again.
The marital psychodrama they inflicted on us for eight long years?
Gee, I remember things a little differently.
Anyway, some folks, it seems, just can't look away.
The call of the Clenis commands me. AAAGGGHHH!
The atmosphere here is tense. Folks are getting real serious and the fun's just starting. So you're in the mood for some good-natured smut that first sent legendary HRC concern troll F. Holland screaming, take a break below.
WARNING: Not for the squeamish.
Whip it Out (A Private Brief on Bill and Hillary)
Was it Balzac who wrote, "the vices of youth return in old age with renewed vigor"? Maybe Flaubert. Anyway, I think its long past time politicians provide journalists with photos of their private parts. Folks want to know (some folks, anyway) exactly what makes Bill Clinton's penis so very, very special. And that question can't really be answered without providing folks an image.
The good news is that technology now allows us to move far beyond two dimensions as demand for a more up-close experience swells.
Hallelujah! We can actually recreate Clintonis erectus; so media types can each have their very own replicas to gaze upon, admire, debate with, stick pins in, and (dare we say) fondle to their fast-beating heart's content. The list of those in possession of these precious artifacts might surprise folks. But this of course is only the beginning.
Consider a museum no longer crowded with busts of fusty, old dead folks sternly staring off into the distance or smiling benignly up towards heaven. These could be replaced with rampant, rigid organs preserved in transparent plastic and vaginas suspended from the ceiling. Anyone who's visited museums in the last twenty years, however, knows that these static displays pale before more engaging experiences, in much more modern settings.
How about a wall-sized real-life pulsating, lubricating replica of Hillary Clinton's vagina? One that one could actually step through and into.
Why speculate about the Oval office contender's private parts when we could walk right in, manouver through a replica uterus and actually pick-up, shake and weigh the Presidential hopeful's ovaries recreated to scale in lifelike detail? Imagine that! Visit the womb where Chelsea spent so much time.
Presidential Libraries? Phew! Who needs them? Dig up Ike and Emily and put together a plastic fantastic display that makes it powerfully clear why so many fell hard for the "General".
Realism? Yes! Whenever, possible. But remember that disclaimer in many restaurants: "We serve the freshest vegtables possible." Everybody has to eat out of a can now and then; and so a little dumpster diving in the service of Penis Majestica will no doubt be necessary when the ravages of time have truly made real-life recreations impossible. Poetic license will have to be extended in cases where the actual evidence has disappered into dust. This applies to folks like Grant and Lincoln, for example, but also to folks like David Broder, whose fascination with Bill Clinton's penis suggests he hasn't used his own in a very long time.
Will folks flock to see a real life replica of David Broder's penis? As we say in the used-car business: "Let's find out!". A museum dedicated to recreating the private parts of all the nations' great politicians couldn't possibly be complete without an annex devoted to the pundit class. Who knows, this attraction might prove to be even more popular. Although, some fans of our current batch of talking heads might find the experience a bit off-putting, to say the least. Just speculating about what goes on between the legs of some of these folks gives me "the Willies", if you get my meaning (nod-nod, wink-wink)
Inter-active displays make the experience all the more real. Step inside Hillary's briefs. Drink in the heady aroma of your favorite pundit's or politicos sweating and secreting private parts recreated by the miracle of modern perfume technology. Come back year after year. This is an experience for all time and all generations. Displays could be regularly updated to record changes and surgeries.
Wondering how that famous hysterectomy went? Walk right in and inspect the work with your own favorite physician. I want labia that look just like celebrity talking-head "A"s. We're talking the birth of a brand new industry. Think of all the little girls and boys no longer concerned with imitating the actions of their heroes. Think how quickly this will spin to include all other celebrities and their already fascinating private parts.
Disneyland for the 21st century. Gift shop will sell "scratch and sniff" post-cards to mail to Grandma and other useful items. "You couldn't make it. Hope this scent will recreate part of the experience for you." Collect the whole set? You bet. We're talking trading cards of very special kind. Parents, don't worry. These cards needn't simply be a diversion: they could be used for educational purposes: "how to spot clamydia"; all the more necessary now that abstinance hasn't seem to have had the desired effect.
Displays could be "theme based". Iraq war coverage takes on a whole new meaning. The display rooms could be decked out in military camo with battle-field lighting. Different museums could host different exhibits. Think of the fascinating opportunies to build "local histories" of a particular region.
What would Bush and the GOP think of all this? They've already signed on. Remember Commander Cod-piece strutting the deck of the mighty vessel packed full of American man and womanhood? Unzip that exciting memory for fun and education and relive the thrilling moments in larger than life scale as often as we like. Just the prospect of such an experience would likely give Ann Coulter and her ilk vapors. Although, both Laura and Hillary know that it's simply too much to expect the President to perform on command at the drop of a skirt.
Log on to discussion groups and bulletin boards for wide-ranging debates about pundit and political private parts. Wait a minute! We're already doing that. Can museums dedicated to the penises and vaginas of our time be far behind?
Spring, 2006.
What fresh hell will next week bring?
Who knows. I'm just glad I'm looking at Huck, Rudi, Mitt and McCain rather than Jeb, George Allen or Arnie.
Don't lose your sense of humor.
Whoever wins, we're going to need it.