Saturday, rented "estate" house in the wine country of Sonoma, the wedding. The two brides, plus numerous family members and friends. Lots of kids: of the siblings of the brides and their friends. And the daughter of the brides: biologically by one bride and my partner. And her two half sisters sharing the same paternal parent, with their separate mothers, one with her partner.
Saturday, rented "estate" house in the wine country of Sonoma, the wedding. The two brides, plus numerous family members and friends. Lots of kids: of the siblings of the brides and their friends. And the daughter of the brides: biologically by one bride and my partner. And her two half sisters sharing the same paternal parent, with their separate mothers, one with her partner.
Bride one, an innovative school teacher who’s immersed in their community and children’s activities, and the bio-mother. Bride two, a tech company vice president.
For the ceremony, we’re told that the front row is reserved for the bride’s family. We share a laugh over confusion about just what that means. Two woman play stringed instruments and sing: a little too low in volume but quite effective at invoking a feeling of family. "After 18 years of sharing a loving and committed life together," the "presider" asks, "why would these two women want to get married?" Everyone laughs. "Because they can", she answers. I cry. And try to hide it, apparently unsuccessfully. The 10 year old daughter of the brides is the ring bearer. She stands up front throughout the ceremony with perfect confidence and poise, fully engaged in what is transacting.
The brides pass out a token of something (which I missed) to their parents and step parent. "We love you, ####" whispers the mother of one bride to the other bride. I realize that, as much as the conversation I had with her earlier was very pleasant, I was still harboring misperceptions due to her visual resemblance to the women in countless "The Far Side" cartoons (such as "The last thing a fly sees".)
After the ceremony, we eat (the salad and pasta are vegan, the Latina caterer proactively assures me after a question a couple hours previous), and talk politics and our high hopes for this year, about our lives, where we live, about the kids games in the pool, etc. Three Obama T-shirts: and every indication that this crowd is enthusiastically unanimous in that regard. They are informed, and passionate about their interests.
I briefly talk with "the presider" to complement her on being warm, humorous and yet thoroughly moving. She’s "just a friend", and had never presided over a wedding before. When asked to take this role, she invested a lot of time into reading the various marriage laws and understanding all the implications. She has to make a 3 hour drive on Monday to turn in the paperwork. "It may matter some day. I had to be absolutely sure that it is done right." Some people have some pretty good friends.
I unfortunately don’t talk to "Mrs. Fly Swatter" any more, but her husband gives a wonderful toast at lunch that brings those tears again, and he and I end up having a couple more nice conversations.
I’m late in joining this family. Back in the 90’s, my partner (of 28 years this November) decided to be a sperm donor for a project intended to help gay people have children. I had no problem with the project, but definitely wanted no personal involvement. The one thing I knew from my childhood was that I knew nothing about how one should raise a child: it seemed fraught with peril and chances for tragic emotional mishaps, leading to a lifetime of maladjustment. Raising a child is a massive commitment. The world was full of neglected and damaged children from parents who were not sufficiently prepared or committed to child raising, with all the difficult tasks and major life changes required to bring them up in a truly supportive, healthy environment. I had thought about this since junior high school, and had sworn to myself that I’d never have kids. Being gay, that hardly seemed like an issue, so I am not sure why I obsessed on it at the time. I was convinced that I did not have the ability, temperament or (most importantly) commitment to be a parent.
I stated clearly and frequently to my partner that I was not in favor of his participation in the donor program because I was not willing to make this commitment, and I had no intention of ever being involved with any of the outcome, so to speak, because casual involvement in child raising was simply wrong. I really thought that would be the end of it. In fact, I was very angry that he went ahead and participated anyway. It was wrong to put me in this position that I had sworn to avoid. It seemed wrong to me that he would commit without the ability to follow through, and wrong to commit me against my stated will. In fairness, the program was structured such that the donors were anonymous unless both parents chose to meet: there was no obligation whatsoever for any paternal involvement. But still. I stuck to my principals, even after all three mothers expressed an interest in meeting the father. This became a big rift in my relationship with my partner. For me it was an emotional singularity.
Things change, and after several years I dropped my resistance to meeting my partner’s daughters and their families. These women really wanted children, and they have all invested a huge amount of time and effort, rearranging their lives so as to, in every case, do an extraordinary job of child raising. I really enjoy all of their company. In every case they were committed and resourceful, and certainly didn’t need me, although bride 1 has mentioned the desire for more male role models for her daughter. In retrospect, I think my biggest fear was that I’d never measure up to that.
In Sonoma on Saturday, a couple of people got married who practically embody the attitudes that, I’ve always been told, marriage is all about. I’m thankful that the state of California now allows this, and hopefully that this right will not be rescinded on November 4. Sometimes, old ideologies don’t quite fit reality, and don’t lead to the best outcomes. And this year in particular, let it be duly noted that change must be embraced.