I am a lesbian. I say this publicly. I live publicly as a lesbian. So far so good.
But I am in the closet.
I am in the closet because what I really am is so incomprehensible in this society that the only way to understand it would risk naming me as insane. I'm not going to risk that.
This has nothing to do with my sexual orientation.
I have learned to pass. I have learned the rules of this society that is so insane to what is normal to me. I have learned how to function in this horribly painful madness and learned what it takes for me to "read" to others as relatively normal.
Don't anyone tell me that because I am a lesbian, my primary lived issue is whether I can get married or not. It is not.
Don't tell me that the only thing that stands between me and "legitimacy" in this society is whether this society can recognize the human-ness of my sexual attraction to other women. Because that is not true. Not for me. Don't worry, you don't need to know that anything other than what makes sense to you might exist. There's no language anyway.
This quest for legitimacy through marriage equality to me seems to come from a space of some sort of privilege. The closet I am in is in a layer of reality that, as far as I can see, doesn't even exist for the ones who say this should be my crucial central issue.
Listen: I'm too busy trying to navigate between passing and not screaming in agony from what it takes to pass. And all of this is taking place in a lived reality that isn't even real or visible in the logics of this society.
So don't tell me today is National Coming Out Day. It is not that for me. I don't even have accurate language for how I am closeted. But it is necessary for my survival in this insane society. I can't even say what I am talking about here. This is my closet and I will be here until I die.
I am a lesbian. I say this publicly. I live publicly as a lesbian. So far so good.
But I am in the closet.