I would like to applaud everyone who wrote a diary on National Coming Out Day yesterday. Some of the stories were inspiring, some were emotionally wrenching, mine is neither.
But it is my hope that by sharing my own experience, I can call attention to an overlooked group out there: the insufficiently gay.
Yes, while conservatives are convinced that hanging out with gays will make it somehow rub off, this does not happen to everyone.
I am one such person. This is my story.
Like many, I first realized I might be insufficiently gay in High School. Oh sure, a lot of the fully gay indicators were there: I didn't take a girl to either prom, I hung out with the theater kids, and I used to be in Dixieland band. I mean, how gay is that? Sadly, not gay enough.
Even summers between college, after my best friend had come out, and we were going to gay nightclubs at night, I have to confess that I went largely for the music, not the dudes. One guy even came on to me, and I had to politely decline.
What was wrong with me?
It was only after "Queer Eye for the Straight Guy" debuted that I realized my problem: I'm only 1/5th gay.
Let's go over the original cast:
Kyan Douglas
Role: Grooming Guru
I do not use product. Period. Recently my stylist asked me if I used product, and I told her it made me look like a member of Hall and Oates. "Who's that?" she asked. But that's another story. I don't condition. I don't exfoliate. And frankly, my main goal in this area is that people don't smell me before they see me. I am so not grooming gay.
Ted Allen
Role: Food & Wine Connoisseur
My idea of fine dining is not using plastic utensils. Haute Cuisine for me is when it's not moving or bleeding. I do not so much cook, as reheat. One of my time-honored recipes is Stouffer's Macaroni and Beef with frozen mixed vegetables mixed in. I put mixed vegetables in lots of stuff. It's my go-to veggie of choice. Either that or frozen peas. That works great with frozen tuna casserole or frozen chicken fried rice. In grad school, I came up with an abomination called tofu chow mein consisting of mashed tofu nuked within an inch of its life, rice, tomato soup, a can of chow mein vegetables, and enough soy sauce to feed the Shibuya district in Tokyo. I am so not food gay.
Carson Kressley
Role: Fashion Savant
I pretty much wear the same thing every day: elastic waste polyester khakis and a cotton T-shirt. Usually it's just an Old Navy T-shirt. Not because they're trendy, because they're soft and cheap. I do have a couple printed with my own designs, including one I call "Marlon Monroe" which is the Andy Warhol Marilyn print with Brando's face from the Godfather. Awhile back I switched to boxer briefs. Not because they're sexier than tidy whities, because that way I can do one load of laundry and have a full outfit. I am so not fashion gay.
Thom Filicia
Role: Design Doctor
One of my dominant design motifs is cardboard. Either boxes full of crap, sitting in the middle of the living room floor, or empty castoffs that are kept in anticipation that they may one day need to be filled with crap. In addition, just about every level surface eventually becomes some form of storage. My mail "table" is my old analog TV that I haven't gotten around to getting rid of, because it still works. So it gathers dust on the floor with a pile of mail on top. I have so many promo CDs from my radio days, I don't misplace CDs, I misplace boxes of CDs. I am so not design gay.
Jai Rodriguez
Role: Culture Vulture
Ding ding ding! Pot calling kettle on line 1!
I am so culturally gay it's not funny. I watch and enjoy the Tony awards for God's sake. My favorite comedians are Stephanie Miller, Kathy Griffin, Bette Midler, and anyone else with a campy/bitchy sense of humor. I'm a middle age guy who still listens to House music. I've been in more gay dance clubs than straight ones. Hell, I write bitchy snarky blog posts like this one.
And yet, it's not enough.
There's still that whole "not wanting to have sex with guys" thing. Now I've seen my fair share of guys, and trust me, we're not a particularly well turned out bunch. We have hair where there really shouldn't be hair. And we've turned farting and burping into an alternative form of communication; just in case grunting doesn't work.
In short, I know why I don't date guys. I'm just amazed anyone does.
I once told a female friend that I figured women only marry guys so that they have someone around to fend off prowlers and occasionally move furniture. She said I wasn't far off the mark.
So here I am, 1/5th gay except for the sex thing. This leaves me with only two options for my sham marriage: win the powerball so I can get a trophy wife, or find a reasonably well preserved divorcee who got the house. I will probably take the second route, but will likely wait until it becomes a cheaper alternative than live in nursing care. If Obama comes through with universal care, I might not even have to do that.
Now that I've embraced my insufficient gayness, I try to take things one day at a time. And there are of course lots of setbacks. But as long as there's the promise of a new dance remix on iTunes, there's hope.