Close readers of this site may have begun to realize that there is a chance--albeit a teeny tiny one--that the Democratic candidate for President may actually win this election, particularly as he can now count on fifty thousand extra Philadelphia-area baseball fans to vote for him out of sheer superstition. The truly obsessive Dailykos reader may also have concluded that there is an outlying possibility that the Democrats will retain commanding majorities in both houses of Congress. Some Kossacks may even venture to log on to this site once or twice next Tuesday night, whether out of a morbid sense of dread or curiousity. While it's important for us not to get ahead of ourselves, I think it makes sense to plan for all possible contingencies and establish some ground rules of civilized site behavior beforehand, so as to make the election night experience a joyful and pleasant one for all.
With that in mind, here are my thoughts:
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CONTINGENCY 1: IF WE LOSE
If we lose, I won't be here. I'll be with my friend, Jim. Possibly Jim and Jack. Maybe even Jim, Jack, and Jose. I'm not sure where we'll end up physically, but I'm positive I won't remember the next day where I was. But it definitely won't be here. So we'll forget about Contingency 1, because if we lose, I won't be in any condition to care what anyone on this site does.
CONTINGENCY 2: IF WE WIN
If Obama wins the election, I fear that many potentially impolitic shenanigans are likely to occur unless we establish, right this very minute, a STRICT CODE OF CONDUCT for election night. After careful thought, I would suggest the following:
1. DEMONSTRATIVE CELEBRATIONS
It's likely that a crushing electoral victory may prompt spontaneous emotional outbursts among even the most cynical and jaded Kossacks. Some of the more hyperbolic and excitable site members may even be tempted to break the "NO ALL CAPS" Rule if we win this election. Please refrain from this. If the election, or certain states, have been called for Obama, many others on the site will be aware of this fact at roughly the same time. There will be no need to emphasize the information in capital letters. One strategy to deal with the "capital letters impulse" is to repeat to oneself the following: "Stay Noncommittal And Reserved, Kossack." If you wish to drop a trusted friend a private email in capital letters expressing your pleasure or congratulations, by all means do so:
IMPROPER:
PENNSYLVANIA 54-46 FOR OBAMA!!! BWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! HOW"S THAT STRATEGY WORKIN FOR YA NOW, McLAME?
PROPER:
Pennsylvania, 54-46 for Obama!!! Bwhahahahahaha!
How's that strategy workin for ya now, McLame?
2. SINGLE-LINE COMMENTS
Single line comments (in the subject header box) will be acceptable, as long as the commenter politely remembers to include the "n/t" which alerts the careful reader that there is no subsequent text. Again, please abide by the "NO ALL CAPS" Rule, and please, let's try to keep profanity to a minimum! The whole world is watching us here. For Example:
IMPROPER:
HOLY FUCK!!!!WEST VIRGINIA???
PROPER:
My goodness! West Virginia? n/t
3. VIDEOS
Many of the more technically-savvy Kossacks will be tempted to embed a music video of one of their favorite performers rendering a particularly poignant and meaningful song, if the election is in fact called for Obama. Please think carefully before doing this. The likelihood of someone actually listening to the entire extended jam version of the Grateful Dead's "Dark Star" on election night is really quite low. If, however, you can find a twenty-second clip of "Dark Star," that will probably be OK.
PROPER (Roger Daltrey Scream):
IMPROPER (John Cage, "Cartridge Music"):
4. HEARTFELT PERSONAL DIARIES
Along the same lines, election night is probably not a good night to post A) Your Life Story ("The salient events in my life that led me to be a Democrat", for example); B) an inquiry into the potential ramifications of String Theory; or C) any Diary raising complaints about how the site is managed or the quality of its content (the so-called "meta diary" is probably not a good idea on election night). The reason is very simple. The "Recent Diaries" List is likely to move so quickly that the shelf life of Diaries on election night may be calculated by reducing Avogadro's number by negative multiples of ten. People will likely see (let alone be able to Recommend) your Diary just about long enough to read the title, before it falls off the list into oblivion. For this reason (unless you are a true masochist), posting a "GBCW" Diary next Tuesday evening is also probably unwise.
5. PHOTOGRAPHS
Common sense should govern in deciding whether celebratory photographs depicting things like Fireworks, humorous images of well-known Republicans in contrived or photoshopped poses (or holding unusual objects), witty sayings, and kittens should be employed on election night. If you have a small, officially-sanctioned picture of Obama (or the victorious House or Senate candidate, as the case may be), that would seem to be appropriate, if the photograph is not duplicative of another posted that evening.
6. NEW USERS
A special caution to "New" members of the site. Please respect your elders. As a general Rule of Thumb, posts from site members with a User ID of 92030 or less should be given deference. It's also a staple of site decorum to Recommend the comments of those users on election nights. (You may wish to write that number down now (<92030 = Recommend)), and put a little yellow post-it on your screen.</p>
7. ALCOHOL
It goes without saying that alcohol usage should be kept to a bare minimum. I've heard disturbing stories about Kossacks who actually wake up the next day, fearful of the responses to what they have written in an alcohol-induced frenzy the previous evening. In truth, there is nothing so deplorable as the rantings of a drunken Kossack, even one in a celebratory mood. I for one will pledge to consume no alcohol for the entire evening if I receive reasonable assurance that none of my fellow Kossacks will as well. Let's all take the same pledge right now! (See Poll, below, courtesy pbs.org)
8. ALCOHOL
Some final thoughts about alcohol usage on election night: Expressing your "love" on Election night for another Kossack whom you have not met in person may not be the best course, as such comments, in general, cannot be deleted the next day. Significantly, neither the gender nor sexual orientation of many Kossacks is readily apparent from their moniker. Refraining from such displays of alcohol-enhanced affection may be the smartest move. For example:
IMPROPER:
Dartagnan:
I LOVE YOU, DROOGIE!
I REALLY LOVE YOU, MAN!
Droogie:
Back. Away. Slowly.
9. TROLLS
The way things look right now, you'd have to be a pretty dumb troll to show up here next Tuesday night. But some gluttons for punishment will undoubtedly rear their heads. Remember, it does not require 49 HR's to "Hide" a comment. If you see a comment with 48 HR's, rest assured that comment is consigned to the dustbin of history. Save your HR's, as few things are more maddening in life than that guazy film-like substance that covers your "Hide" button when you're out of HR's and come across a particularly obnoxious troll-ism.
Bottom Line--Stay Noncommittal And Reserved, Kossacks. Have Fun and BE SAFE!