Last night, I received an email from my boyfriend's younger, college-age brother, and, after I picked myself up off the floor from laughing, I realized that this absolutely needed to be shared far and wide. The email contained his own synopsis of the debate last night, which I found to be hilarious, shrewd and poignant all at the same time, for multiple reasons:
Oh, also, it's effing hilarious.
Question: lets talk about taxes...
McCain: I want to lower taxes, and enact a governmental tax freeze. This
will put money in the pocket of the average person and let the government
climb out of its debt.
Obama: Here is the fundamental difference between us two. I want to raise
taxes strategically and realign the spending policy. This will give money
to the average middle class American and will ultimately reduce the
national debt
McCain: But... that's basically what I just said. Only you said it
different.
Obama: Nope
McCain: Sounded the same to me
Obama: I bet it did
McCain: Oh, ok ok ok. I got it. See? My friends, just listen to what he
said! He wants to raise taxes! That means we are going to spend more
money! Taxes = people pay more = Obama's an idiot. Simple math here.
Obama: I don't think you were actually awake for my response Senator. That
or you are purposefully being a moron. My plan will lower taxes for 90% of
the population, it will raise the governmental income which will help
erase the debt, and it will decrease overall governmental spending while
simultaneously increasing spending on key policies like renewable energy
and healthcare.
McCain: Taxes = Bad! Taxes = Bad! Say it with me my friends! Taxes = Bad!
Moderator: uhhhh ok. new topic. foreign policy
McCain: America is the single greatest force of good in the history of the
world. Ignore the UN. Ignore Nato. No other organization has ever been as
good as us. forget the fact that we invaded Iraq to steal its oil. Forget
the fact that we attacked Vietnam because we were afraid of communism. we
were doing good, its just that those people didn't realize it. We know
what good is, they just haven't figured it out yet.
Obama: well, hey, I kind of agree with you Senator. we are pretty swell. I
mean, Jack Bauer is an American after all. And he is still alive,
somewhere. Speaking of which, I wonder when he's gonna surface again?...
http://www.fox.com/...
McCain: no, wait a sec. Is that what Obama thinks? I mean, what I said
earlier was wrong. You see, Obama doesn't understand. He just doesn't have
the experience. He hates Americans troops! He said so to me just
yesterday. This is a direct quote "I am Barack Obama and I hate American
soldiers... and babies." No joke. Not me, I am John McCain. I have done
absolutely everything that anyone can possibly do. I have reached across
the isle. I have saved babies from burning buildings. I have reached
across the isle and saved babies from democrat vampires. I personally flew
to Iraq in this sweet, iron, flying-man suit I made to destroy terrorist
weapon caches. I have given birth to a...
Obama: Woah woah woah. Here is the thing. I never voted against supporting
the troops, I just wanted to set the conditions of our withdrawal. I never
wanted to be there in the first place. McCain supported Bush with the war
in the beginning, and there never were any weapons or Al Qaeda there.
McCain: I don't think Obama gets it. You can't have a surge unless you
already have troops there. And it worked, didn't it? Why can't you just
admit that I am right about this? You see, this is a tactic. I know what I
am doing. I am the man. I am Senator John McCain. I was a Prisoner of War.
Obama wants to attack Pakistan! What? We are still fighting a war in Iraq!
How can we start another war, that's stupid. If you say you are going to
attack them, then they will know it! You have to just attack them and then
later you come with a reason.
Obama: I have to clarify this point. No I did not say that. I said we had
to have open, peaceful, political discussions with them. And dude, listen
to yourself. Two wars? Do you hear what your saying?
McCain: Well, here is the thing. I can't really hear what I am saying. I'm
146 years old, give me a break. But Obama doesn't have any military
experience! I have been through all this before, I'm like Kurt Warner...
(no, that's no good, too German). Ok! I'm like Roger Clemens. I'm the old
veteran that everyone still loves cause he was such a model for good
sportsmanship. Not Obama. He wants to invade Pakistan! Hah!
Obama: bigger man... bigger man... No comment
Question: What are you going to do to make sure Congress moves quickly to
support energy reform?
McCain: Nuclear Power is the Key! My friends, Obama says he wants it to be
safe or something, blah blah blah. I say screw that!, lets split some
atoms!
Obama: What are you retarded or something? Of course I support the
development of Nuclear energy, I just want to make sure it is safe and the
waste is correctly dealt with. Umm, Chernobyl? You ever see The Hills have
eyes? noooo thank you...
Moderator: Ok, last question. What don't you know, and how will you learn
it?
Obama: What don't I know? Well, other than nothing, I suppose I don't
really know what this question means. So let me tell you what I do know. I
do know that McCain keeps repeating the same talking points. I do know
that even though I refute a lot of what he says about my policies as being
false, he just repeats it again in the next question. And I do know that
he is probably going to answer this question with some vague response
like, what I don't know is what no one knows, or some bullshit. Duh! of
course you don't know it if no one knows it.
McCain: I don't know what day it is...
Moderator: And that concludes our debate. Thank God
I seriously don't know what would make a better movie than the events of this election, especially given articles written in earnest with headlines like "Supporters Defend McCain's Grumpiness."