When I wrote this diary yesterday, I had no idea that it would make it to the recommended list, stay there for a day, and generate 700 comments. I would like to thank everyone here for their responses, be they thoughtful, funny, or disparaging. You have all motivated me with your compliments and well-wishes.
For me, that diary was a small attempt to find humor in disappointment. It had been a long time since I'd written anything of substance. After going through a divorce, I went through an intense period of introspection, pondering what my life had added up to and considering what lies ahead in a future I had never imagined possible. Much of that introspection enabled to make the decision I did.
My intent is for this diary is twofold. First, to be a clarification of sorts, and second, to remind everyone of something that seemed to get lost amidst the analysis of whether or not I did the right thing.
In my feeble attempt at humor, I think I may have left out some things that I tried to address in the comments. So all questions will be answered and all answers will be questioned. I'll try to keep it as straight as possible, but I hope you will indulge me if I do make some more comedic attempts. It's how I deal with things. We all have our coping mechanisms.
First, there were several charges that my diary was fiction. I don't know what I can do other than ask you to take my word that it is not. It happened. Granted, you are getting only my side of the story and I hope we've all seen Rashomon or are at least familiar with the premise. So take it as you will. I consider my word to be of value and I don't ever abuse it, in real life or on the internets.
Second, I got called a bigot a few times. A self-righteous one at that. Although I fail to understand how this particular snapshot of my life could bring someone to pass judgment so harshly, perhaps I failed to convey a few things that I think make me not a bigot. Perhaps a definition is helpful to begin with. From Merriam-Webster:
Function:
noun
Etymology:
French, hypocrite, bigot
Date:
1660
: a person obstinately or intolerantly devoted to his or her own opinions and prejudices ; especially : one who regards or treats the members of a group (as a racial or ethnic group) with hatred and intolerance
Now, I know I can be a snob or an elitist on certain things-- music, film, literature, and art all come to mind. I'll take that charge proudly. I see nothing wrong with believing I have better taste in music or art than a majority of people. I'm a music snob, so what? But I'm not a bigot. I don't hate people because they like Norwegian death metal or Hannah Montana. I've learned in my 37 years on this planet not to judge a group of people, but it's fine to judge an individual. It's how we choose our friends and lovers. We are all snobbish about who we choose to spend our time with or our peculiar tastes. But honestly, I don't understand how some people here could come to the conclusion that a white guy who dates a black girl (who happens to be an immigrant) and is concerned for equal rights for homosexuals is a bigot. Maybe I'm missing something here.
Before I continue, here is a summary of the story for those who didn't read the previous diary:
I live in California. I was dating a girl for a couple of months. I'm white, she's black. She is an immigrant from Sudan. She is a Christian, I am an atheist. We were tremendously excited by Obama's landslide victory and marveled at his speech. On November 5th, I expressed my heartbreak and anger over the "yes" vote on Prop 8. The subject had not come up previously. She told me that if she could vote, she would have voted "yes" and that gay people have a mental defect and should not be allowed to get married. We had a long and intense discussion during which I argued that we would not have been able to get married if the law hadn't changed and that civil unions aren't good enough because there is no such thing as "separate but equal." After consideration, I decided this was a deal-breaker and decided to stop seeing her.
Thank you for the indulgence.
Many people said I didn't give the relationship a fair shake or I should have tried harder to persuade her. To those who believe I should have stuck around, all I can say is no thanks. I just got out of a serious relationship, (a marriage) and I'm not necessarily looking to jump into another one. I'm not opposed, just not looking. So maybe I didn't make it clear enough, but we had only been seeing each other a couple of months. I did really like her. She's a marvelous person. And were she just my friend, there would have been no problem and no diary.
But she was more than just a friend. If this part makes me old fashioned, then so be it. To me, there is a difference between family, friends, and significant others. You can't choose your family. We all have family members we're ashamed of for myriad reasons. But they're family and there's nothing you can do about them except stay on the other side of the room at reunions. We all pick friends for various reasons. Some because we can talk politics with them, even if we disagree. Some have great taste in art and can educate us. Some give great stock tips. Some crack you up when you're down. It's easy to forgive some philosophical agreements with them because they redeem themselves in other ways. But a significant other is a different matter.
It's a personal matter, and frankly, I don't care what your criteria are for picking yours. If you've had a successful relationship with someone who has diametrically opposing ethics, wonderful. But for, and only me, I want the person I trust, kiss, and sleep with to have a sense of ethics similar to mine. It doesn't have to be an exact match-- I don't want to date myself. But for me, it needs to be at least on the quadrant of the graph. In my little book of ethics, wanting to deny equal rights to any minority group is wrong. I wouldn't date someone in the Klan or someone who protested abortion clinics. And I don't want to date someone who truly believes homosexuality is a mental disease.
Yes, I probably could have tried harder or longer to persuade her. I could also spend months banging my head against the wall or letting it slowly build into genuine feelings of contempt. Instead, I chose to cut it off before it got there. It's my decision and I'll live with the consequences.
But the most common criticism is that it was stupid for me to dump someone over a political issue. Let me be perfectly clear on this: it is not a political issue. It's a moral issue. This is what happens whenever we try to legislate morality. The political and the ethical become conflated. It's done on purpose to drive us apart. That's why it's called a "wedge issue." All wedge issues are set up this way-- take a moral issue, say abortion, and then pass a law for or against it. Since there are strong convictions on either side, it only serves to drive people apart.
My view is as follows-- don't want an abortion? Don't get one. Don't want gay marriage? Don't get one. Don't want to see a prostitute? Don't get one. Don't want to smoke pot? Don't. But making laws against these things is useless. People are going to do all the above, whether they are legal or not.
Now, if you think abortion should be illegal, would you date someone who is pro-choice? Probably not. That's all I did here. I don't want to be with someone who believes gay marriage should be illegal. Somehow, in the eyes of a few, it makes me a bigot or a fabricator. I took an ethical stand. I'm proud enough of my decision to defend it. I would do it again. What's done is done and that is all.
Which brings me, at long last, to what was forgotten in all the comments and accusations. One word: action.
The entire point of the story got lost in the story itself. What is important (to me anyway) is that now I'm looking into how I can put my money where my mouth is. Even though I don't have a lot of money. Maybe I can put my time and what's left of my energy there. But there was a real lack of discussion in this area. I know many of you were distracted by visions of lesbian pirates, and I can forgive you. But whether or not you agree with how I handled my personal situation (which is personal and I handled it in a personal way which should mean ABSOLUTELY NOTHING to you,) I do hope we can agree that Proposition 8 needs to be overturned. That was the point of my diary.
So to those who offered your support and kind words, thank you. You have made my week. To those who think I made the story up, I feel sorry for you. You have become too cynical. Please step away from the computer. To those who think I'm a self-righteous bigot, I'd like to send you all dictionaries. And to those angry enough to actually do something about the travesty that is Proposition 8, let's get together. Let's organize. If you're in L.A., let's meet up. I'm serious.
Peace.