January 22, 2009, Washington D.C. - In a stunning development, President Obama went on television last night, only two days after his inauguration, to assure the American people that, "Despite what you've heard, nothing has happened yet."
President Obama noted with some concern the widespread media speculation that he had offered a peace treaty to Iranian President Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, economic concessions to Cuban leader Raul Castro, and the Senate Majority Leader post to Connecticut independent Joe Lieberman, as well as mandating that Catholic hospitals perform abortions and requiring all Americans to buy Mini Coupers.
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"None of what you've heard is true," Mr. Obama told a concerned nation. "The truth is that I'm still consulting with my prospective cabinet members and other experts in each field, and we're trying to find good solutions that work for the American people."
The President also denied reports that his emergency address came in response to a protest by Republican Senators - led by last year's GOP presidential candidate John McCain (R-AZ) - who gathered outside the White House entrance, lit their hair on fire, and ran around waving their arms.
"We need the president and all Americans to remember we're in a crisis and government must act terrified at all times," McCain wheezed after the ten-minute protest.
"I wasn't even aware of the protest," President Obama said. "I was, as I said, meeting with prospective cabinet members and other experts in each field, to find good solutions that work for the American people."
"There's a bit of wisdom I learned when my grandmother went to an auto repair shop," he said, looking directly into the camera. "The mechanic looked at her and said, 'Ma'am, you can have it done right, or you can have it done tomorrow. We try to get it done right.' That's exactly what I intend to as do your president."
Mr. Obama's message of calm was not universally hailed, however. On Fox News, Sean Hannity told viewers after the address, "I need things to criticize today, not when the president gets around to it. My network has to fill airtime 24 hours a day, seven days a week. We owe it to the public to fill that airtime criticizing things the president has actually done. So he ought to be doing something we can criticize every hour of every day he's in office. The people expect no less."
Asked to comment on Hannity's response, White House Chief of Staff Rahm Emanuel said, "I understand Mr. Hannity's concern, and let me assure him that the Obama administration will do all we can to provide him cause for outrage. We'll do that by meeting with our prospective cabinet members and other experts in each field, to find good solutions that work for the American people. I can't imagine anything more outrageous to Sean Hannity."
On MSNBC, host Rachel Maddow expressed concern at Emanuel's "refusal to use the F-word in response to Hannity. Does this mean Emanuel is going soft? I need someone to talk me down."
The reaction in the blogosphere was mixed, though most online pundits suggested apple rather than pecan pie.