I discovered this site sometime in Feb. of this year. I got very interested in Obama sometime in the Jan.-Feb. timeframe.
I did write a few stupid diaries and maybe one of them was honest and english not my first language, so it kind of hard. I do know a lot of words but putting them in a sentence to make sense is hard sometimes (Almost feel like I I am channelling my inner Palin at times). This is the first time I feel that I am writing that will be my true honest feelings and you can criticize my thoughts but be kind and don't be harsh on my writing. I promise to run a spellcheck on my mac and google just to double check.
I never imagined myself so involved into politics (please consider that all my involvement so as to speak is mostly easy and passive). The fact of the matter is that I never really cared. I cannot vote and besides that in my opinion all Politicians are the same. They lie, they demonize the other, they make shit up. In order words, nothing to be inspired about, just a bunch of words that have very little meaning. I have never supported a sports team or picked a side in a contest. No remorse, no glory, just aphaty, in other words, I just did not care. I do not have cable and most of my access to news is through the web.
But the untold story is the part of my transformation in life. I was probably 9 or 10 years old when I lost all of my feelings, except for guilt and obligation. There were a bunch of incidents and I just choose to shelter myself from the hurt and hide in this place where I was safe, protected by my lack of feelings. I felt no love, no empathy, no compassion and could not connect with any human being. I had no friends and still don't. Everyone I knew went through the ringer of guilt and obligation. I tried to find the bad in everybody so I could justify to myself that they were just caricatures of their persona. This is while I did everything vile or wrong I thought was ok because I imagined I can get away with it. Not for some gain in public opinion mind you but just for kicks, nothing illegal though.
Last October I started working on my feelings. I tried to feel things other then the ones I was comfortable with and It did not work The frustration and anxiety drove me crazy. It was a very frustrating exercise to say the least.
Then I heard around the web about the speech Obama made on race. I thought maybe I should listen to it, not because I was optimistic but because I wanted to tear him down, classify him to be a Jesse Jackson or Sharpton whom I intensely dislike. So I did and I cried, no holding back, just tears. Out of control, not because I could identify with him but because I could empathize with him. It was the day I discovered the soul I never thought I had, the heart that could love no one, the hard and sad person who could not find joy in anything. That day my life changed. That is the day I believed, change is coming and it is possible even in me.
So I got involved in BO's website and then through that website to this. I spend hours on this website, at work when I wake up in the morning, in the evening after work. I read the recommended diaries, I read the comments and after that the recent diaries and editorials, in order words I spend a lot of time here. The primaries made me mad and I figured out I could actually hate people like Hillary clinton and her supporters. I read the upbeat articles, the concern trolls, the optimistic and I stayed. I was a passive voice but I was there, mostly shy to interact but also very concerned about what people would think about my handle on the english language and specially my grammar. I have got better but most of my posts are after I have had a few drinks under my belt and I get a little brave. I am not trying to deceive anyone here.
So I wanted this man who potentially changed my life to be successful. I wanted his message to go to everyone that we can change. So I donated and donated. I have never got involved in the campaign as I should have, to feel like I was part of the history like a lot of you. But I was part of the silent few or many. We may never know.
What this site did for me was tell me the stories, not all happy but always passionate. Showed me that there are people that care about things, that allowed me to cry today when I read Andrew Sullivan speak about the defeat in CA and also some of the diaries here. Some of the diaries made me mad about the hatred we feel for each other or the lack of empathy. It made me aware about things I don't care about or agree with necessarily but appreciate and root for those that do, to be successful.
But above all it thought me that there are more important things then politics, there is life. Today I am going to work on finding it. I am going to do the things I love but have never done, to find the soul mate I never thought I would meet, to enrich whatever relationships I still have to people and family and above all to be a better citizen of this world. To help, have empathy and compassion for the suffering.
I am sorry but I have to leave, I have life waiting for me. Thank you for the memories and I will see you again soon.