When I was a kid, Halloween and Christmas were my two favorite times of the year. To me, they both had a lot in common -- decorations, tales of supernatural events, and free things being given to me by people I didn't really know that well.
Another thing that they had in common was that there was always one person who always gave the same thing every year. In lieu of candy or anything else, they gave out small comic books known as "Chick Tracts."
You may have seen these things before. If not, try to picture Fred Phelps and Johnny Hart having a love child -- er, okay, don't actually picture that, but try to imagine them collaborating on a comic book. The result would closely resemble Chick Tracts.
Today, I will attempt to pick some of the Greatest Hits of Chick Tracts, and perhaps give you some helpful advice on how to live a better life.
FAIRY TALES
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In the spirit of Christmas, we will begin with "Fairy Tales". In this masterpiece, we learn what happens when parents allow their children to believe in Santa Claus.
This, of course, is the normal reaction that every child has to learning the truth about Santa Claus. I remember like it was yesterday, the day I discovered that Santa wasn't real. Oh, the murdering rampage I went on!
But you might be asking, why would a child go on a murder spree just because Santa isn't real? Well, it's quite simple. If Santa is a lie, then God must be a lie. And if God is a lie, then there is no reason not to kill children (or cellmates, judges, or anyone else, as the rest of the comic will attest to.
There's a happy ending though: in the end, the kid goes to hell.
SOMEBODY ANGRY?
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If you've been paying attention, it will come as no surprise that the reason that natural disasters happen is because God is royally pissed off at us. The reasons tend to vary based on who you talk to. Many claim it's the gays who are stirring up God's wrath. Others suggest that abortion is the reason why God is destroying American cities.
But Jack T. Chick knows that there's more to this story:
Now, you may think that it's incredibly fallacious reasoning to assume that God is punishing innocent people for perceived slights against Israel simply because a disaster occurs around the same time. But Jack T. Chick was ready for your argument! I bet you cannot explain THIS away with your so-called "logic" and "reasoning".
There is no word at this time whether Jack T. Chick will receive any sort of God-wrath for saying in the same comic that Jews "will die in their sins and go to hell" if they don't accept Jesus Christ.
THERE GO THE DINOSAURS
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If you're like most people, you probably have wondered, "I wonder what caused the dinosaurs to become extinct." You might already think you know, like this scumbag secular progressive atheist professor:
Clearly, this is crazy-talk. Comets? From Outer Space? Come on, don't feed us that line of bullshit, scientists! There MUST be a more SIMPLE explanation. And indeed, there is:
But this only explains how dinosaurs came into existence! We want to know how they became extinct! Help us, Jack T. Chick!
Of course! It all makes sense now.
DARK DUNGEONS
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By far the most famous Chick Tract of all, Dark Dungeons reveals the hidden truth about Dungeons & Dragons. You thought it was all just harmless fun played by nerdy pot-head college kids. How wrong you are!
If you're not familiar with Dungeons & Dragons, it's a role playing game in which you pretend to be a character in a fantasy world -- and if your character dies, life ceases to have any meaning at all. But Jack T. Chick is also here to blow the lid off the horrible secret behind D&D: that it's really a way to attract people into dark magic, occult practices, and devil worship.
Try to set aside all of the totally unrealistic things in this tract (everyone knows girls don't play D&D). We see here that using real magic, D&D players are able to control people's minds and do all sorts of other evil things. But the game is destructive in many other ways, as well. Remember Black Leaf?
What a senseless death.
No, really, I mean it makes no sense.
SIN CITY
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I know what you're probably thinking. You're wondering, okay, this guy's a loon, but something is missing. Where's the crazy gay-hating?
Look no further!
Everyone knows that gay people are evil, bigoted thugs who are intolerant of the "straight lifestyle". After the gays get done savagely beating the "stinking straight", he is charged with a hate crime while in the hospital. The only way for him to receive leniency is to listen to a gay reverend.
Luckily, the straight man and his straight friends are able to make the gay reverend see the horrible error of his ways:
The ending is somewhat ambiguous, but we assume that the gay reverend has been cured of his homosexuality.
HERE, KITTY KITTY
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What would a karateexplosions diary be without a picture of a cat? In this Chick Tract, young Betsy desperately tries to save her poor little kitty from her evil Satan-worshiping brother and his evil Satan-worshiping friends, who plan to kill said kitty as an animal sacrifice.
Things are looking pretty bleak for Betsy and her poor kitty, until a heroic teacher steps in to proselytize in school!
Later that night, just as the kitty is about to be sacrificed under the full moon, the heroic teacher saves the day!
It's a Halloween miracle!
IN THE BEGINNING
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More crazy shit about dinosaurs? Yes, why not? There's no shortage of craziness and hilarity when it comes to dinosaurs among fundamentalists. Part of the fun is that there is often a great deal of contradiction among creationist fundamentalists, who cannot seem to agree about whether dinosaur fossils were placed by God to test our faith, placed by the devil to make us question God, or, as Jack T. Chick does above, claim that the dinosaurs lived at the same time as people. The famous Creation Museum in northern Kentucky goes with the third option as well, letting children mount a dinosaur with a saddle, just as Adam and Eve once did:
Jack T. Chick goes into further detail about the fact that dinos and mankind lived together:
You cannot believe those crazy scientists and their so-called "facts". The only scientific source you can trust is a book written a couple thousand years ago!
But this is where Jack T. Chick reels you in and then hits you with a powerful message! Because he barely talks about dinosaurs after this, but rather focuses on the story of Adam and Eve:
Eating fruit from the tree would teach Adam and Eve the difference between right and wrong.
According to Jack T. Chick, Adam knew that eating the fruit was wrong.
How did he know the difference between right and wrong? He hadn't eaten the fruit yet!
Anyway, happy ending -- we're all going to die and probably go to hell.
BEWITCHED
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This Chick Tract is named after the devil's favorite TV show. And who can blame him? That Samantha is a hoot, Endora is quite comical, and Tabitha is delightful as well. But I digress.
After the Devil gets done watching his favorite show, he gets a progress report from his minions about the status of their evil activities on Earth. Prepare to be shocked:
But with all the success the devil is having, there is still one thing he fears more than anything else.
Grandmothers.
Long story short, Ashley trips the fuck out on Satanic LSD and has a heart attack. Thanks to the grandmother's powerful prayers, Ashley regains consciousness just long enough for her grandmother to preach the One True Religion.
Then the hospital staff kicks Grandma out of the room.
Then Ashley dies.
Everybody loves a happy ending.