"Good evening, ladies and gentlemen, and welcome to Decision 1800, a debate between Democratic-Republican rivals, Aaron Burr and Thomas Jefferson. Both men are currently locked in a tight race for their party’s nomination and the right to face Federalist Party candidate, President John Adams, in this fall’s general election. I’m Charles Gibberish."
"And I’m George Steppininapile. Mister Burr, the first question is for you. Recently, remarks attributed to your opponent, Mister Jefferson, have surfaced, remarks to which you have taken great offense. Here’s the quote:
‘A little rebellion now and then is a good thing...God forbid we should ever be twenty years without such a rebellion. The people cannot be all, and always, well informed. The part which is wrong will be discontented, in proportion to the importance of the facts they misconceive.’
"Tell us what you find offensive in Mister Jefferson’s remarks."
"Well, besides the fact that my opponent advocates open rebellion against our government, I believe Mister Jefferson displays a terribly condescending attitude toward his fellow countrymen. He says they are ill informed. And what’s worse, he claims they are – and I quote – ‘discontented.’"
"Mister Jefferson, your response?"
"Is this really worth discussing?"
"Evidently, or we wouldn’t have asked the question."
"George, if I could add, I believe this shows that my opponent is seriously out of touch with the American people. I have been all over this great country of ours, meeting ordinary Americans – farmers and...well, mostly farmers. Plus a handful of cobblers and a blacksmith or two. But I haven’t met anyone I would call ‘discontented.’ The people I meet are hard working and optimistic. And I tell you, these people are offended to be called ‘discontented.’ In fact, we’ve been passing out ‘I’m Not Discontented’ carriage bumper stickers and people are snatching them up."
"Mister Jefferson?"
"Ummm...but...what I said was true. Some people are discontented."
"Charles, you have the next question?"
"Yes, thank you George. Mister Burr, there are some who are saying these remarks by Mister Jefferson reinforce the ‘effete’ label that many in Congress and elsewhere have leveled toward him. Would you care to comment on that?"
"Yes, well, I was out shooting ducks with some of my ordinary American friends the other day, after which we downed a few shots of whiskey and some mugs of beer, and we were talking about this very point. You know, Charles, Mister Jefferson prefers wine to beer."
"Mister Jefferson?"
"What? Is there a political point here? What are we discussing?"
"Mister Burr?"
"The point is that my opponent is terribly effete and out of touch. You know, he’s got that whole French thing going. Served as the French ambassador, lived on the Champs-Elysees. Fit in quite well with those snooty people. Staunchly supported the French in the recent troubles with England. Plus, I’ve heard he’s quite a poor ninepins player. Prefers the French game, croquet."
"Mister Jefferson?"
"Ah, can we talk about something that matters? The ecomomy maybe, or foreign policy? Our narrowly-avoided war with France? The Federalist Party’s repressive Alien and Sedition Acts?"
"George?"
"Thank you, Charles. Mister Jefferson, you are a very learned man. You are versed in history, horticulture, architecture, paleontology, archeology, etc. How do you respond to the accusation that all this learning contributes to you’re being out of touch with ordinary Americans?"
"What, now it’s bad to be educated? This is the most ridiculous debate I’ve ever been a part of."
"Mister Burr?"
"Yes, well, I believe my opponent is far too educated; he thinks he’s better than other people. In fact, I believe it makes him something of an elitist. He does know how to turn out a good phrase, I’ll give him that. He comes up with some passingly good writing."
"Such as the Declaration of Independence."
"Yes, that’s a very good example. ‘When in the course of human events’...etc...etc. Well, pretty discourses are just words; and pretty words are not the same as good policy."
"Mister Jefferson?"
"Speaking of good policy, could we maybe address that topic at some point?"
"Charles?"
"Thank you, George. Mister Burr, you have said that you believe Mister Jefferson to be un-electable in the general election. Do you stand by that accusation, or do you now think he can win against Mister Adams?"
"Yes, yes, yes!"
"Mister Jefferson?"
"Which question is he saying yes to?"
"And a quick follow up: why, sir, do you refuse to wear a flag lapel pin?"
"What’s a flag lapel pin? How does that follow anything?"
"Well, I’m afraid we’ve about run out of time. Just enough time left for closing statements. Mister Burr, you can go first."
"Thank you, Charles. My fellow Americans, what it all boils down to is what kind of president do you really want. Do you want a president who talks down to you and calls you ‘discontented,’ who advocates open rebellion against our government, who hangs out with French people and drinks French wine, who is too educated, too effete, and too thin; who refuses to wear a flag pin; who is, in summary, an elitist?
"Or do you want a president who, like you, shoots guns and drinks beers? It’s that simple. Not that I would do those two things at the same time; That could be dangerous. Could end up shooting somebody like...well, Alexander Hamilton. Wouldn’t want to do that. Even if he is a complete jackass."
"Mister Jefferson?"
"This so-called debate has been the biggest time-wasting, irrelevant, trivial, abominable pile of crap I’ve ever been a part of."
Thank you gentleman. George, a final word?"
"Thank you, Charles. We are left with more questions than answers. Who will finally be the nominee of the Democratic-Republican party? Will it be ordinary guy Aaron Burr or out-of-touch elitist Thomas Jefferson? Can Mister Jefferson recover from what has come to be called ‘Discontented-gate?’ Is he in fact, unelectable? We’ll be back next week for another edition of Decision 1800. I’m George Steppininapile."
And I’m Charles Gibberish. Goodnight.