Washington--In a development that threatens to further divide an already fractured party, some members of the GOP are considering adding Republicans to the Endangered Species List.
While the GOP has traditionally opposed the Endangered Species Act, as well as making any additions to the list, three consecutive losses in historically Republican Congressional districts have some party members advocating using the act to save themselves from further population decreases.
“Holy mother of God!” said a Republican Congressman who wished to remain anonymous due to the embarrassingly large wet spot on the front of his pants, “Have you seen the poll numbers? Hundreds of thousands of Republicans have disappeared just in the past few months!”
The chief of staff of a high ranking Republican Senator, who also wished to remain anonymous due to the embarrassingly large brown stain on the seat of his pants, echoed the sentiment. “Do we need federal protection? I can answer that in three words: Hell fuckin’ yeah! Republicans are already nearly extinct in the northeast, they’re becoming scarcer than snail darters in the midwest, and now numbers are declining in the south and the west.”
But other prominent party members, mindful of conservative’s decades long opposition to environmental legislation, aren’t so sure. “Do we really want to lump ourselves in with polar bears?” asked one legislator known for his strong support of the extraction industries. “I mean, if I had my way, polar bears would already be extinct. They kill people, you know. Republicans kill people too, I realize that. But I think you can see my point in there somewhere.”
A compromise of sorts may be reached through a proposal where Republicans would not be added to the Endangered Species List itself, but would instead have protection granted to their habitat.
“We’ve done some surveys,” said the Senate staffer, “and we’ve determined precisely where the overwhelming bulk of the Republican party is. Now we are waiting for the US Geological Survey to determine just exactly where Shit Creek is located.”