Dear Reverend Dobson,
I was wondering if you could help me out – seeing as how you are a fine, upstanding minister who knows exactly what is and what isn’t Christian. You see, I’m horny and a little bit blah. Do you think you could find me a meth-snortin’ male hooker to relieve the tension?
I promise you that I won’t spend so much money on this male hooker that my wife has to go out in the evil world and start working – that wouldn’t be Christian. And I promise you that my children will NEVER watch Sponge Bob cartoons – that wouldn’t be Christian, either.
And Lord knows we shouldn’t be concerned with how we are destroying the planet that is God’s creation. If God wants to cool the planet down, she’ll just turn up the air conditioning. (Oops! I mean "he".)
But back to my need to find a meth-snortin’ male hooker. I assure you that this has nothing to do with homosexuality. My aversion training at "Love Won Out" was a complete success. Homosexuality is a perversion and a sin. I just want to visit a male hooker so that I can spread the Good News.
I would appreciate it if you could reply via my personal e-mail and not the one at my mega-church – Six Flags Over Jesus. I’m not sure if the members there would understand the Christian nature of my visits to a meth-snortin’ male hooker.
God Bless –
Johnnygunn
PS – You can kiss my gay, Democratic, progressive ass anytime you want to.