When I heard the name Sarah Palin, my first thought was "who???". Then when I saw a picture of her, I thought "Wow! They've actually found someone who's prettier than Mitt Romney."
But there's a lot more to this "Hockey Mom"(tm) than good looks.
Put on your Snark Appreciation Hat and join me on a worldwind tour of everything I like about our newest VP nominee.
1. BlinkLessNess When Palin was asked to be McCain's running mate, she says she "didn't blink". I like a person who's confident that she can do anything despite a complete lack of knowledge, expertise, experience, or ability. That's called cockiness (or "pluckyness" for a woman), and it's a great trait to have. Oh, sure, Charlie Gibson may call it "hubris" if he wants. But that sort of namecalling won't work, especially when the person on the receiving end doesn't know what "hubris" means.
Mexico's president Vicente Fox once called Bush "The cockiest person I've ever met", and I'm sure he meant it as a compliment.
So while Joe Biden's out there being all humble-like and saying he might not have been the best choice, Sarah's ready to take the small step from getting a hockey rink built to deciding when and how we might want to start World War III. Do we really want someone who's going to back down (i.e. "blink") next time those pesky Russians decide to act tough? I don't think so. You can learn a lot about life watching your kids hockey games (despite what Matt Damon says), and one of those things is that you protect your teammate, even if it means you have to start a bench-clearing brawl involving 6 billion people.
2. Small-Town Values What exactly are "small-town values?" you ask. I'll tell ya. They're real people dealing with real problems, usually problems they themselves caused, and usually dealing ineffectually. Pregnant teenagers and Abstinence-only sex-ed. Shotgun weddings and trailer parks. Cheatin' spouses. Backstabbing and corrupt politicians, fraud and waste. "Living off the land"-21st century style - which is to say "living off oil tax revenues and the taxes of the other 49 states". In small-town America, when your sister goes through a bitter divorce, you get the bastard fired. If that doesn't work, you fire the guy who refused to fire him. If you get caught, you deny the whole thing. Wholesome, traditional American values.
Now I'm not saying that all Alaskans are Ted Kazinski lifestyle types, snowmobile racers, and corrupt politicians. I'm just saying that those who aren't are UnAmerican.
Those New Yorkers who started the country 230 years ago are the least American, the Texans who joined the union 160 years ago are fairly American, and the hearty Alaskans who joined the union 50 years ago and are almost 1000 miles away from the rest of the country are the most American. You think our founding fathers were intellectuals from the NorthEast? Of course not, they were cowboys from Texas and rugged oil-producing Alaskans.
3. Worldliness
When asked...
What insight into Russian actions, particularly in the last couple of weeks, does the proximity of the state give you?
Sarah answered:
They’re our next door neighbors and you can actually see Russia from land here in Alaska, from an island in Alaska.
I have to tell ya, I grew up in Newark, DE, just a few miles from Pennsylvania and a few miles from Maryland. Being so close to those states gave me amazing insights into the people who lived there, especially the leaders.
Now, skeptics and naysayers may claim that Palin's never even been to the remote island where you can see Russia from. They may also point out that that Moscow is actually 4000 miles away. Does that mean that I don't have special insight into those people living in, say, San Francisco? Hmmm? I don't think so. After all, foreign policy is not about experience, knowledge, diplomacy, negotiation, and compromise. It's about proximity.
Sarah's vacationed in Canada and Mexico. She's also been to Iraq, Kuwait, Ireland, and Germany. Oh, wait, never mind about Iraq and Ireland. What more foreign policy experience do you want? You don't want a big-old 30-year Joe-Biden style, Washington-insider resume, do you?
4. Ability to Bring Home the Bacon
Alaskans is consistently the top state in money that it gets from the rest of the states, "top welfare state". That giant whooshing sound you hear isn't your job going to Mexico, it's your money going to Alaska. And what's good for Alaskans is good for the rest of the country and the world. Trust me on that.
Can you imagine how well this will work for the US on the global scale? Imagine the US getting huge amounts of tax revenue from the rest of the world. That would be great! I'm a little shady on the details of how that would work, but if some country doesn't want to pay up, all we'll really have to do is remind them that we're the only remaining superpower. That little threat worked wonders on Iraq and it's working its magic as we speak with Iran. You've got to be willing to drop the gloves if it comes to that, and then stomp on the hand with your skate when the gloves are off.
And Palin's not just good at bringing money to Alaska from the other 49 states. She's also good at bringing money to her house from Alaskans. Name one other governor who had the guts to charge the taxpayers a $60 per day charge for "travel" while living in their own house? Not only would most other governors not take advantage of this little perk, they'd probably outlaw it. So would virtually all CEOs, managers at any level of any corporation or government body. Not Palin, though. She's perfectly entitled, given a decent lawyer if needed, to live where she's always lived rather than move to where the governor is supposed to live, and get reimbursed expenses to boot! That's just good old fiscal responsibility. While the rest of America is actually spending pennies or dollars on each meal, she's making a profit. A true entrepreneur.
5. StraightTalk
These days, you've sometimes got to speak the truth. But many other times (many, many, many other times), you have to lie a little bit.
For example, in the midst of a near total economic meltdown,
you could say:
The fundamentals of the economy are strong
...and then "clarify" the next day by saying you meant:
Our workers are the most innovative, the hardest working, the best skilled, most productive, most competitive in the world
This leaves people guessing about whether you're an just out-of-touch, going senile, or just lying to cover up a stupid remark. When you have others guessing and confused like that, you have the advantage.
Another example. Lets say you fully supported the "bridge to nowhere", a $500 million boondogle. You're on video as supporting it, and you have pictures of you with a T-shirt supporting it. The country catches on, so you give up on the stupid bridge, but keep the money. How do you spin this? How about this:
Thanks but no thanks
Is that a lie? Who cares? The mainstream media won't call you on it. Those librul bloggers may scream, but the only people who will hear the screams are users of this new, so-called "internets", or "tubes" as your buddy Ted likes to call them.
6. Alaskanness
We, as a country, have had so much fun with Bush and Texas the last eight years. Watching the president out there in 100-degree whether clearing brush on his Texas ranch. Horses and a barn in the background. Maybe a hoe and a pitchfork nearby. Just out of camera view, eighty secret service agents in suits, dark glasses, semi-automatics, and wires in their ears. A large row of black Chevy Suburbans with tinted windows and engines running. And there, in a large hat, jeans, and boots, the president hacking away feebly at a bush. That's true Americana: a staged photo op of a fake cowboy. All that will be probably be gone soon, when Bush leaves office, sells the prop ranch and moves back to Connecticut.
But we can do it all over again, with Alaska and Sarah Palin. We can take the Silly State Stereotype ride one more time. We'll have Sarah out there shooting a Moose, using her ATV to drag it back to a pit next to a 10x10 shack, and then cooking it and eating it. Perhaps an eskimo might wander by in snowshoes, on his way home from ice fishing.
Admit it: Alaska is the ideal place for playing this game that Bush invented and perfected. Bush has spent around 40% of his time in office at the ranch, and it's going to be hard to top that. But I think Sarah can do it. Anyone who can have her water break in Texas, finish a speech and catch a connecting flight back to Alaska to give birth is up to the task. I can hear those San Fran libruls now: "what about the health of the baby?" they whine. Do you really think a true Alaskan worries about that? Alaska's got to be the most dangerous state for kids in the country.
7. Cluefullness
Suppose you're sitting down for a casual conversation one day. Let's say it's just an impromptu chat with a guy name Charlie, and you really haven't had time to prepare, other than being locked away out of sight for weeks preparing for the chat with top advisors. And suppose he throws out a cheap, adversarial, trivia question. Let's say it's some obscure reference to the defining principle of the sitting president. Something about the "Bush Doctrine". And of course, you have no idea what he's referring to. What do you do?
First of all, don't blink. Don't hesitate. And for God's sake, don't say "I've been living in Alaska my whole life, somehow managed to get elected Mayor of a tiny village, then somehow got elected governor, and I have no clue what the Vice President does, let alone what this Doctrine thingy is." Don't guess that maybe it has to do with doctors. Just casually say "in what respect, Charlie?". You could also put your hand on his knee, if he's close enough, maybe call him Charlie again. Be reassuring, as if to say "I know full well what that means, it's just that I have so much to say about it, that you better be more specific and use smaller words, or I'll have you fired, you bastard."
Cluefullness is not the opposite of cluelessness, "knowledgable" is. Cluefullness implies a certain ability to steer a question that means nothing to you into a question that's on your Official Talking Points list. Many politicians and pundits are very bad at this. They simply take the question, find the answer on their mental list of answers which is most similar to the question, and give that answer.
8. Outrageosity
A big part of politics these days is to focus on whatever outrageous thing your opponent recently said, might have said, sort of said, or may have hinted at if you quint really hard. Play the victim. Let's say your opponent refers the the old saying about "lipstick on a pig". That means he called you a pig, even if he never even mentioned you, your position, or anything remotely related to you. On the other hand, if he refers to an old, smelly fish, in the same sentence, without it being any sort of common saying, then you could let that go. Choose your insult.
Imagine what would happen if the mainstream media picked up on this. For a week, they'd talk about whether you've been insulted or not. This effectively means that you opponent must avoid the word "pig" for the rest of the election, and perhaps all barnyard animals, and maybe even all living things. Palin is just now learning this technique from the master, John McCain. McCain has used this technique to turn virtually any criticism into the "dishonoring of a former POW". When Obama accused McCain of lying, the McCain campaign, quite literally, was outraged at the suggestion that a former POW might be capable of lying.
If Sarah can just take this one small step further, that would be fantastic. Perhaps she could be outraged by any criticism at all, because she's a woman. "How dare Senator Obama suggest that a woman might be corrupt. That's an insult to women everywhere" would be a handy campaign response laying around, ready to go at a moment's notice.
Also, show outrage if anyone says that being a woman doesn't automatically qualify someone to be Vice President. Don't worry, you'll never have to actually say what qualities being a woman has given you, as long as you show enough outrage. And finally, talk about the fact that you don't like to talk about being a woman, but then constantly talk about it anyway. It's working for McCain/POW, it will work for Palin/Woman.
9. Twofacedness
It's not easy to be on both sides of the fence at the same time, but Palin's doing a good job of it. Being against "pork" while being proud to bring in money for questionable local projects. Criticizing "Washington insiders" while standing next to a man who's been a Washington politician for 30 years. Being against cronyism while hiring your high school buddies for cabinet posts. Being against corruption while supporting Ted Stevens and using your power to settle some personal scores. Being against the Bridge to Nowhere while previously being for it and keeping the money for it. Being all "United" and "Pro-America" while having supported a secessionist organization. Being against Bush even though you agree with him on virtually everything.
10. Cheneyism
Palin has big shoes to fill. Previous Vice Presidents really didn't do much. They'd go to a lot of funerals and meet a lot of high school state champion sports teams. Dick Cheney changed all that, and his stellar record is quite remarkable. Use of torture. Indefinite jailing of dark-skinned people without any charges being brought (those librul elites know it as "due process" or even "habeous corpus"). Wiretapping of millions of innocent Americans. The outing of a CIA agent as revenge. Insisting that Sadam was connected to 9/11.
Welcome to the big leagues, Sarah. You think your little $60 a day per diem scam shows you're not entirely by-the-book? Try destroying the fourth amendment. You think you can hurt your ex-brother-in-law by firing him? Try ending a CIA agent's career. You think no one will notice a little white lie about a Bridge to Nowhere? Try starting a war on a lie about WMDs and then insisting that Sadam was involved with 9/11. You think a pre-emptive strike on a reporter is slick? Try using waterboarding, despite the Geneva Conventions.
It won't be easy filling Cheney's shoes. McCain may want to make some decisions for himself, and he may even live through his term or terms. But you've shown that you're on the right track.