NOTE: This diary is a repeat from yesterday, when I brilliantly pushed the "Publish Diary" button about 9 milliseconds before McCain tried to weasel out of the debates. I now return you to this diary, already in progress.
Hello class. My name is Professor Karateexplosions and this is Intro to Political Negotiation for Democrats. If you're a Republican and you're in this class by accident, there's no need to visit the registrar, because I'll be outlining your role in Political Negotiation as well.
So, get ready to take notes because by the time we're finished, you will be able to negotiate as well as any Congressional Democrat!
STEP ONE: Have a Crisis.
Now, I see some of you are looking concerned. "But Professor Explosions, what if there IS no crisis? What then?" Well class, that's the first job of our Republican friends. They are very good at making crises. And if they are unable to make a crisis, they can damn well sure imagine them, and make people believe that they exist.
For strictly hypothetical purposes, our example crisis will be "A National Economic Meltdown Caused By Republicans Scamming the Markets".
STEP TWO: Let Republicans Propose a Solution First.
For some reason, whenever there is a crisis, the Republicans just happen to have a plan to fix it, almost as though they knew the crisis was coming. This is just an illusion, though. In reality, it's always the same plan that they keep recycling over and over: Tax cuts for rich people, mixed with some other generally unpalatable bullshit.
Back to our hypothetical crisis. There has been a National Economic Meltdown. Luckily, the Republicans have a plan! The plan is as follows: Tax cuts for the rich, and we will let Dick Cheney feast on 10 newborn babies.
STEP THREE: Come Up With a Better Alternative and Then Split the Difference With Republicans.
As a Democrat, by definition you usually have better ideas than Republicans. However, the Republicans have been all over the news promoting their plans, and you're playing catch-up. Now is the time to come up with a much better alternative. Once you have done this, you must now show your spirit of bipartisan cooperation by combining your proposal with the Republicans.
In our example, the Republicans are selling their Tax Cut + 10 Newborn Death plan to the public through cable news. Democrats have determined that tougher regulation, assistance for middle- and lower-class families, and ZERO newborns being eaten by Dick Cheney is probably the best way to proceed. So in this case, we must split the difference. The Democrats now propose their plan: Tax cuts for the rich, tougher regulation, assistance for middle- and lower-class families, and Dick Cheney only eats FIVE newborns instead of ten.
STEP FOUR: Be Blindsided As Republicans Rail Against Your Watered-Down Plan and Demand You Compromise With Them.
At this point, Democrats sit in astonishment as they are attacked from every direction. Their base is pissed because Democrats have sold out some of their principles. Republicans are pissed because the Democrats are alive. The Republicans at this point will feign outrage at the Democratic plan and demand that Democrats be willing to compromise with them in order to get the bill passed.
For our example, every major Republican camps out at CNN, MSNBC, and of course FOXNews, as well as all the Sunday morning talk shows, repeating the same line: The Democratic Plan will not work and the Republican plan must be adopted or the economic meltdown will be the Democrats' fault.
STEP FIVE: Give In to Republicans For Fear You Might Not Get Reelected
As a Democratic member of Congress, you are at an elite level. You have a higher calling. Sure, Congress is about bills and laws and hearings and all of that, but there is a much, much greater purpose. And that purpose is: Getting Reelected. How can you help hardworking Americans if you don't get reelected? You can't. So how do you get reelected? Fuck over hardworking Americans. At this point, you must adjust your proposal to remove the things that Republicans object to: anything that helps normal people.
At this point in our example, the Democrats reevaluate their plan. The middle- and lower-class family assistance is taken out, and the number of newborns to be eaten by Dick Cheney rises from 5 to 7.
STEP SIX: Act Surprised When Republicans Accuse You of Obstructionism
Merely fucking over regular Americans is not always enough to get you the sweet, sweet praise of Republican members of Congress. Some times you have to sell out in other ways, too. Try to not be shocked when Republicans demand that you come up with a better "compromise" -- and quickly, since time is running out.
Back in our example, the president has announced that he will veto your proposal if it includes tougher regulation and gives Dick Cheney fewer than 10 newborns to eat. Republicans insist that you must compromise on this issue or you will be obstructing much needed assistance for the beleaguered economy.
STEP SEVEN: Give the Republicans Basically What They Want
At this point, there is no use fighting. Take everything out of the proposal that has even a trace of Democratic principles and at least make a half-assed effort to make some of the Republican proposals slightly less evil.
Democrats revise their proposal to combat the Economic Meltdown: Tax Cuts for the Rich and Dick Cheney Can Eat 8 Newborn Babies.
STEP EIGHT: Declare Victory for Preventing Bill From Being as Bad as It COULD Have Been
At this point, it's your solemn duty as a Democrat to take a bow and be proud of yourself, because even as you have completely abandoned your principles and everything you stand for, and have given Republicans pretty much everything they wanted, you were able to achieve a small moral victory by making the bill slightly less bad that in COULD have been. Good for you. Your applause is well-earned.
Democrats pop the corks on the champagne as they celebrate the fact that thanks to their efforts, Dick Cheney will only eat 8 newborn babies instead of 10. Meanwhile, the rest of the bill is a total clusterfuck.
STEP NINE: Sit Back as Republicans Take Credit For Landmark Legislation
When the President signs the bill, it is widely seen as an amazing feat by the Republicans to achieve important policy despite the obstructionist Democrats. Republicans are roundly lauded by the press for their bipartisan cooperation which will surely end the crisis.
President Bush signs the Economic Disaster Prevention and Financial Sector Assistance Act of 2008 to wildly cheering media and public. The Democrats are treated as outcasts for their attempts to water down the effort and add unnecessary earmarks.
STEP TEN: Get Blamed When Proposal Doesn't Work
A few months or years later, when it becomes blindingly obvious that the legislation did not help with the crisis -- or even made it worse -- the bill with undergo a very rapid metamorphosis from a Republican plan to a Democratic plan. After all, the Democrats have a majority, and they are the ones who settled on the final bill and voted for it overwhelmingly.
Tens of millions of Americans, completely screwed over by the Economic Meltdown made worse by the Republican Democratic bill, now eat cat food for dinner each night and live in the back seats of their minivans. As they approach the polling station/soup kitchen, they make a solemn vow to only vote Republican from now on. Maybe if Dick Cheney ate two extra newborn babies, this whole mess could have been averted.
PS Here is a picture of a Dick Cheney cat.