Dear Dittoheads:
Thank you.
There is no way to adequately express my gratitude for the healing laughter you have provided the last few days. It does a body good.
I have read your breathless screeds about how President Obama is afraid to debate your Overlord, and how Obama has "painted himself into a corner," and how Jehovah is giving Jesus H. Christ himself the boot and preparing a seat for Overlord at His right hand.
Again, thank you.
However, I must deliver bad tidings.
You will want to sit down for this.
The debate already happened.
Assuming your discipleship doesn't require you to ingest Oxycontin like Skittles, you may recall an 18-month span of time that included conventions, stump speeches, lots of waving flags, a face-carving hoax, malfunctioning green screens, a "nation of whiners," $5000 pants suits, $2,000 hairdos, quasi-suspended campaigns, and tax dodging plumbers. This period of time -- which some call "a campaign" -- concluded in November of 2008 with a galactic asswhooping in which Barack Obama garnered 365 electoral votes to John McCain's 173 electoral votes.
In all, 70 million voters chose Barack Obama.
Now, I thought that maybe Overlord had gone dark during the campaign, so I checked. Turns out he was on the air the whole time, and actually had things to say about Barack Obama. Granted, they weren't things about his policies so much as they were broadside ad hominem and racist attacks; for example, criticizing him for going to see his fatally ill grandmother, or calling him a "halfrican." Never during the campaign (which is traditionally when politicians do this sort of thing) did Overlord challenge candidate Obama to a debate. Not on policy. Not on anything.
Do you know why? I do.
Because he might've said "yes."
Overlord is challenging Barack Obama to a debate now for a few reasons, none of which is "because he actually wants to debate." He knows that challenging President Obama to a debate is like challenging an Apollo astronaut to a thumb wrestling match. To say that Obama has bigger fish to fry certainly conjures thoughts of massive fish, but I speak metaphorically. While Overlord pours himself into his oversized chair and secretes sweat, spittle and invective as a means to make his living, our president is busy solving a host of almost unimaginable crises, visited upon us by policies long championed by Overlord.
You see, it's no longer Barack Obama's task to persuade Overlord or his loyal Dittoheads that he is the right man for the job, or that his policies are worth pursuing.
70 million Americans weighed in on this three months ago.
70 million Americans want Barack Obama on the job -- not casting pearls before swine.
70 million people want Barack Obama working on creating jobs -- not boosting the ratings of a radio personality with Mommy issues.
In fact, the number is far greater, if the polls are to be believed.
And last I looked, your "army" was less than a third that size.
Let me conclude with a word of encouragement. Don't despair. I know -- we know -- what it's like to be in the minority. But you need to stay true to yourself, and in your case that means staying true to Overlord. If you want to see him debate Barack Obama, please, please encourage Overlord to run for president in 2012.
Because remember...laughter is the best medicine.