AUTHOR'S NOTE: This is a diary entry in the strictest sense - in that it is my private musing and somewhat self-indulgent for relating entirely to my own feelings. I am writing it to gain perspective and clarity on my evolving view towards President Obama and the urgency of gay civil rights. Lacking any new information or insights, I don't expect it to be of particular interest to anyone else, but having finished it, I feel there is no harm in putting it out there. And it helps anyone else find a way past anger, or if any one has something to share or suggestions, then I will be glad for the discussion.
(I am in training all day for the next few days, BTW, so if you comment and I don't reply, please be patient.)
Much has been said already about the DOMA debacle and the implications for President Obama's relationship with gay voters. As a proud and energetic Obama volunteer, I have learned first hand that, in politics as in love, the experience of betrayal evokes powerful -- and ugly -- emotions. So powerful, in fact, that the first impulse is to deny what is happening right in front of you, to make excuses that explain away the offending behavior. Until the evidence continues to mount and it finally becomes impossible to deny the obvious. With the dawning reality comes this: anger, and the desire to strike back. Did I mention that the feeling was ugly?
Thus has it come to pass between Barack and me. As it gradually and mercifully diminishes, the anger is replaced by a persistent feeling of disappointment, and a sad realization that, barring some unexpected turn of events, I simply am not going to muster the same enthusiasm for this Presidency that I felt as I phone banked, canvassed, and donated my way through 2008.
Today's symbolic gesture of extending (some) federal employee benefits to same-sex couples only gives a sense of finalty to this feeling. Coming as it does late after tne news cycle, with no meaningful statement by the President regarding the issues that really matter to most gay people (or, at least, to me), this throwaway gesture suggests that we can be bought on the cheap. And, in so doing, it only strengthens my resolve to move past what were perhaps somewhat naive (yes, I said it) feelings of admiration and even love for this man who had inspired me so.
As a progressive Democrat, I realize that there is no advantage to be gained by weakening the President as he takes on hugely important endeavors to secure our country and strengthen the middle class. And my commitment to the many other Democrats who fight for worthy things is undiminished, especially my friends in the labor movement, feminists, environmentalists, and everyone else who fights for social justice and a safe, healthy world. These things are too important for the country I love, and President Obama will always have my full and unwavering support when he is championing these causes I treasure.
In the meanwhile, however, instead of marinating in my disappointment as a gay voter -- the feeling that I'm at the back of the line -- I am moving on. Forming my own line, if you will. This will start with some small personal gestures, like taking down the "Change We Can Believe in" placard that came from Denver and still hangs on the wall across from my desk. (My counter, if you will, to today's gesture towards gay voters.) I'll store it in a safe place, as a reminder of an amazing time in my life, when a great leader inspired me to take America's future in my own hands. A small gesture, meaningful only to me, but one which I hope will spur me towards action in other areas. Fighting DOMA, the HIV travel ban (which inexplicably lingers) creating a safe place for gay kids in schools, educating my neighbors, the Uniting American Families Act, securing marriage rights here in my home of Washington. Maybe some creative civil disobedience along the way...and loud protest when I have the chance - including the upcoming DNC "gay" fundraiser.
President Obama has shown that he can look out for himself, and there are plenty of people, gay and straight, who will have his back no matter what. And I'm OK with that, and wish them well, because it gives me the freedom to do what I should. We will surely rejoin forces again when the need arises. In the meanwhile, however, I've got a little community organizing of my own to attend to.