There have been a couple of back and forth diaries in the last weeks, and especially over the last couple of days. In one of these, I was really struck by a comment-to-my-comment in which I'd tried to confront another diarist when they referred to "the gay" reaction on this site.
The comment-to-my-comment was:
Thank you some of us try to reach more than our little selves.......thank you even if you did not mean crazy me
Reading that thank you made my heart ache and head explode. YES! I did mean you, and so many others. And, I wanted to scream:
"Why are you thanking me when it is I who should be thanking you? You are not alone. Your comments and efforts do make a difference. You matter ..."
So, for what it's worth, I wanted to share how much I, as just one fellow kossack, absolutely do value these diaries and all the comments within them. For what it's worth to those of you out there who are trying to reach more than [your] little selves, I wanted to share how your sharing has made a difference, at least within me.
While there are those on this site who seem not to be interested in building a deeper and broader understanding with one another, it is also true that there are MANY who are trying to do just that by using this site.
Despite the potential risks, I see many among the LGBT community courageously and repeatedly putting themselves out there, reaching out, to share their stories, to explain their realities. And sometimes the pain does inspire some pretty pointed rants, but even these can be seen as gifts for building connections and understanding, if the person reading them is so inclined.
For myself, going into the election last year, I was not very interested in "gay issues" like DOMA and DADT. Oh, as a progressive, of course I mentally supported repealing them, but I didn't have much attachment to these "gay issues." They were simply politically correct, expected planks in the liberal platform.
That changed with Prop 8. In the euphoric days after the election, I was struck by the diaries regarding Prop 8. I did a lot of lurking in them, even as I rejoiced in Obama's election. At first, I just felt vaguely sad that so many had seemingly been robbed of the full joy I was experiencing. At first, it was just a little twinge, but to be clear, that beginning twinge would not have been there at all without those diaries and comments filled with pain and outrage on this site.
That little sympathetic pang inspired me to really think about the plight of a number of my colleagues in the school where I work who are gay. As I really began to think and look at the the lives they are being forced to live, I realized that they are being forced to live split lives. Significant parts of their selves are not welcome, must be carefully edited from being shared publicly, lest the students and their families learn that their children are being, God forbid, taught by gays. As a result, their "truth" ends up being a whisper shared after looking both ways.
I began to realize how very creepy that must be, like constantly living in a space that feels like the aftertaste of a nightmare. Only, it never goes away. How exhausting that state of constant anxiety must get! I realized that I could not begin to fully comprehend what it must be like to constantly be on guard and self editing your self, your soul, must be. I began to vaguely understand and empathetically sense what the closet as an analogy really meant and represented. And even within my personally removed, and shadowy understanding, I found myself filled with a growing fury, wanting to hack that closet door to bits! And yet, with the passage of the little waves of anger, like a whiplash, I also found myself desperately wanting to build even greater walls around my colleagues to protect them from all the hateful crap I knew was out there, to save them from the very real dangers that might befall them if "it" was ever publicly known and acknowledged. Aaaaaaaagh!!
So, that initial little sympathetic twinge grew into an evolving, confusing, growing, humbling empathy. And with that is growing an awkward, stumbling desire to try to become a useful advocate and ally.
As a government teacher, I was inspired to truly revisit my understanding of the "gay issues." I realized that I was thinking and feeling about them completely wrong. They aren't "gay issues," at all. They are civil rights issues, and as such, they are MY issues, too, not just as a politically correct progressive positions. But rather, these are MY issues as an American citizen and patriot who believes passionately in the promises made in the Declaration of Independence and codified in the Constitution. The rule of law must be made to prevail over religious bigotry, and this is our generational opportunity and duty to expand that promise toward the fulfillment of Jefferson's vision.
So, that's the story of my journey regarding "gay issues," so far, and none of this would have happened were it not for the many diaries and comments, here, written by kossacks of all sexual persuasions. I guess it's become a part of my personal self-development journey to continue to try to expand my awareness and understanding of what it means to live as part of the LGBT community within our larger American culture. And therefore, I appreciate LGBT kossacks' efforts to reach out, here, at this imperfect and wonderful site.
so YES! I meant YOU, greenmike, and all the many others. I want all of you to know that if MY growing understanding matters to you, your comments and diaries DO MATTER! You aren't just blogging into an echo chamber and risking your feelings for nothing if reaching someone like me matters to you. I can testify that you have reached at least one heart and mind, and you have inspired me to grow.
So: Have courage. Take heart. Please, continue. And, thank YOU.