In honor of the Micheal Steele's newly declared "patient-insurer privilege", I give you the Insurer's Hypocritic Oath:
I swear by Paul Ellwood, the insurer, CIGNA, AETNA, and Blue Cross, and take to witness all the stockholders, all the bondholders, to keep according to my hubris and my greed, the following Oath and agreement:
To consider dear to me, as my broker, him who taught me this art; to vacation in the Caribbean with him and, if necessary, to share my stock tips with him; To look upon his policyholders as my own assets, to keep them paying out.
I will deny regimens for the good of my policyholders according to their byzantine contracts and my own creativity and never do harm to my investors.
I will not give an "experimental" or uncovered therapy to anyone if I am asked, no matter how long it has been in use or how effective it has been proven to be, nor will I advise such a plan; and similarly I will not give a woman funding to pay for an abortion.
But I will preserve the profitability of my company and my portfolio.
I will not cut for stone, or cancer, or heart disease, or anything actually, even for patients in whom the procedure is covered; I will leave this operation to be performed only after a perfusion of paperwork and phone calls have transpired, or the patient has expired.
In every House and Senate where I come I will enter only for the good of my shareholders, keeping myself far from all intentional well-doing and instead pursuing any and all seduction, be it political or financial, and especially the pleasures of love with women or with men, but hopefully both, be they free or friends of Senator Vitter.
All that may come to my knowledge in the exercise of my profession or in daily commerce with men, which ought not to be spread abroad, I will use to deny coverage for my policyholders.
If I keep this oath faithfully, may I enjoy high profits and low taxes, respected by all healthy, financially secure, insured men with no sick friends or family, free from the bane of affordable, efficient, universal healthcare but if I swerve from it or violate it, may the reverse be my lot."