With the recent astroturfing efforts by the Republican minority to stifle health care debate, there has been a marked increase in wingnut wildlife visible to the general public. Strange creatures often inspire fear, but this need not be the case. By familiarizing yourself with these unusual species, one can overcome the fear and revulsion and learn how to better interact with them.
Follow me below the fold for an in-depth look at the awesome variety among the wingnut species. And should you have observed any other variations on Wingnuttus Rightwingus, please feel free to add them below.
Blue-collared Chanter
Common Conservative
Protesta Typica
The Background Noise, The Sheep
Physical Characteristics: White, normal
Distribution: Widespread across United States
Habitat: Anywhere they’re told to be
Behavior: Typically comes to protests to socialize and throw words like "Democrat" and "Liberal" around as if they are insults. Sometimes they are in your face, but other times they are relaxed. It all depends on how much of a frenzy they are whipped into by the local Republican demagogue.
Calls: "Socialist!" "Communist!" "Marxist!" "Liberal!" "Daily Kos reader!"
Feeding Ecology and Diet: TGIF, Dollar Menu at McDonald’s, Budweiser
Reproductive Biology: Children are typical of this species. Some even grow up to be like their parents.
Conservation Status: Easily the most numerous of the wingnut species. In fact, many would not classify this family as wingnut due to their middle-of-the-road conservatism.
Rules of Engagement: If you can silence their calls, there is a possibility of meaningful dialogue. A successful encounter would require removing the loudest and most obnoxious of the group and engaging with an individual or very small group. Often this species is taught to hate from an early age from their blue-collared chanter parents, but some are willing to cease their chanting to engage in dialogue.
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Silver Vulture
Selfish Senior Citizens
Greedium Geriatrica
Grandma’s Got a Grudge, Medicare Queens
Physical Characteristics: White, grey hair, sunglasses, white shorts, American flags worn as clothing
Distribution: Across the United States, but concentrated in southern latitudes.
Habitat: Doctor’s offices, bingo halls, and flea markets. Anywhere but their children’s homes, where they have been permanently disinvited due to their horrible behavior towards their sons/daughters-in-law. Occasionally spotted roadside carrying signs far away from other groups of wingnuts, often having been abandoned there by their families.
Behavior: Generally miserable and misanthropic
Calls: "Don’t Touch my Social Security." "Don’t Touch my Medicare." "When I was your age I didn’t have health care... uphill... both ways.... In the snow... where am I?"
Feeding Ecology and Diet: Senior Special at the Sunset Diner. Will take ketchup, salt, and sugar packets from unwitting restaurants to supplement personal supply.
Reproductive Biology: Viagra
Conservation Status: No protection needed. As Selfish Seniors encounter severe health problems, are forced to enter nursing homes (again, because their children typically want nothing to do with them), and are unable to participate in street protests, their ranks are constantly being added to from other wingnut groups.
Rules of Engagement: Operating under the system that they have Medicare so everyone else can suck it, the Selfish Seniors typically use their age as a sympathy-garnering ploy while they engage in behavior typical of other wingnuts. You might be loathe to call them out on this, as nobody wishes to be seen as attacking a senior citizen. The key to an appropriate interaction is to have fellow senior citizens engage them. Another approach is to have your well-mannered children (and infants) protesting with you; passers-by, given a choice between these sour seniors and cute kids, will naturally gravitate towards the kids.
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Screaming Saboteur
Loud, Proud Government Haters
Idiota Vocalis
Taxturbator, DC Fearmonger, Health Scare Protesters
Physical Characteristics: White, middle-aged, tin-foil hat
Distribution: Population is reduced in numbers compared to years ago. Now concentrated in the southern United States.
Habitat: Local Republican Party offices. Ron Paul and Lyndon LaRouche meet-ups.
Behavior: Anything it takes to destroy the United States government. Often hides from cameras because we all know Obama will use those pictures against them in the future.
Calls: "Taxes are illegal." "The Sixteenth Amendment was never ratified." "The best government is no government."
Feeding Ecology and Diet: Anywhere they can have someone else pay for it.
Reproductive Biology: Unknown. Probably in an offshore account or kept in gold bullion. Refuses to reproduce as the government is watching them 24/7. Their money is more important than reproduction anyway.
Conservation Status: Required. Their numbers are significantly lowered, and their reduced breeding due to hoarding of personal assets and paranoiac behavior has not maintained their population.
Rules of Engagement: There is no logical way to approach the Screaming Saboteur. He might seem friendly after an initial warming up, but his paranoid delusions will convince him you are a government agent there to force him to marry a gay goat. Upon identifying this species, avoid it at all costs. Remember, this species is not there to discuss anything; they have already made up their minds that you want to kill them with single payer healthcare.
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Yuppie Avenger
Wealthy Conservative
Trustfunda Terroristus
The Yellow-Bellied Lunatic Lyncher, The Unveiled Threat Warbler, Thurston Howell IV
Physical Characteristics: White, polo shirts, Khakis, Glasses.
Distribution: Rarely seen in public spaces. Once believed to have been relegated to the penthouses of major urban centers and boardrooms of corporate America, the Yuppie Avenger has generally been content to pay others to do his dirty work. Recently, however, he has been spotted venturing forth into public among the plebians. Pictures of the Yuppie Avenger among wingnuts is rare indeed.
Habitat: Polo matches, Fox hunts, Outside the offices of elected officials
Behavior: Uses own discarded clothing and photocopied pictures of its intended prey to provoke fear.
Call: "Marco, pull the Bentley around front. It’s protest time!" "Honey, have you seen my lynching rope?" "Fuck him! Now, you listen to me! I want trading reopened right now. Get those brokers back in here! Turn those machines back on!"
Feeding Ecology and Diet: Whatever’s at the Yacht Club
Reproductive Biology: Outsourced to Nicaraguan pool boy
Conservation Status: Uncertain. Typically find refuge within gated communities
Rules of Engagement: While the Yuppie Avenger might seem to be intimidating on the basis of his threatening posture, he is often easily intimidated by anyone larger than himself. Should one be seen terrorizing local politicians, it is best to let the police handle the matter as the threat of physical violence could escalate without trained handlers involved. Lawyers from his country club will certainly be involved.
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If you have pictures of other types of wingnuts seen on the streets during protests, please classify them. For your own safety, I ask that you not attempt to tag or otherwise capture them, but rather use your camera and words to describe what you've seen. Amateur wildlife enthusiasts are encouraged to document their experiences below and attempt to classify the wingnuts they've seen.