Check. Check. One. Two. Testing, One, Two. Bring down the highs a little bit, Jimmy.
I figured that since I don't have anything of substance to write about, I'd waste today's diary by telling a few jokes.
Feel free to add your own, there are no limitations. Clean or dirty, they are all good to me.
Now, let us make with the ha-ha.
I'll start with a couple of my favorites.
Two guys are sitting in the bar. They have been arguing all night about who has the uglier wife, and it's driving the bartender nuts. The barkeep tells the duo that the only way to settle this, is for each to go see the other's wife first hand.
About fifteen minutes later, they are in front of the first drunks house. The first drunk sends his new friend up to ring the bell, and his wife answers, and boy is she ugly. this woman could knock a buzzard off of a gut wagon.
Drunk number two returns to his friend and tells him that his wife is pretty ugly, but that he hasn't seen anything yet.
Ten minutes later they arrive at drunk number two's house, and go inside. The wife is nowhere to be found, and drunk number one asks where she is, when drunk number two starts moving furniture around.
Drunk number two moves the couches, chairs, and coffee table to the edge of the room. and then rolls up the rug, which reveals a trap door. He opens the door, and calls down to his wife, "Hey honey, will you come up here?" She replies back, "On my way dear." "Do you want me to bring the bag with me?" To which the drunk says, "No leave it there, I don't want to have sex, I want to show you off."
A young Irish lass is home from college for a visit. She hasn't been home in months, and her mother is interested in everything that her daughter has been up to. They are sitting in the kitchen catching up, and her mother asks, "So, what's new, did you bring us anything?" and the daughter replies, "Well, I got a case of V.D." the mother says, "Oh that's nice." "Put it in the fridge, your father will drink anything."
A Polish man goes out and buys a toilet brush. A week later he switches back to paper.
An old, burned-out hippie is walking down the street, where he happens upon an elderly Italian man sitting on his porch, cooking a chicken on a hand cranked rotisserie. The hippie stops and says, "Hey man." "The music has stopped, and your monkey is on fire."
A piece of string walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says. "We don't serve string here." This goes on for the next few nights. Finally the string twists himself up, pulls apart both of his ends, and goes back into the bar. The bartender sees the string and asks, "Aren't you that piece of string that's been coming in here all week?" "No sir" the string replies. "I'm a frayed knot."
What animal has an asshole on the middle of its back?
George W. Bush's horse!
Remember, it's good to laugh everyday.
UPDATE
My mother just received the funniest thing I have ever read from the Republican Party of Minnesota. The following are the choice parts of the letter.
Dear XXXXX,
As I write this letter to you, we still cannot say who will be declared the ultimate and final winner of last November's U.S. Senate race. But here's what we DO know:
* Our friend, Norm Coleman, won a razor thin victory on Election Day.
I'll give them that. Norm did have the lead after the polls closed, but we all know that didn't last for very long.
*Liberal Democrat Al Franken has resorted to taking extraordinary measures to overturn Norm's victory.
Extraordinary measures? Oh! I get it. The state-wide hand recount, mandated by Minnesota State Law if one candidate's totals are within .05% of the "winner".
And here are two important facts:
It's clear that Minnesota is a toss-upstate where either party can win. (Except I can't remember the last time MN went red.) And it's the support of Sustaining Members that allows our Republican Party of Minnesota to compete with Democrats and their deep-pocketed left-wing allies.(emphasis mine)
The party of old ideas, and even older money complaining about those damn deep-pocketed elitist Dems. (Pot, meet Kettle)
Hahahaaaaa, hahahaaaaaa, (snort) haaaahaaaaa. Pee.
I always thought that Rethugs didn't have a sense of humor, and then they come up with gems like this.