In the midst of all the commotion concerning President Obama winning the Nobel Peace Prize today, I have a report for you from a very reliable right-wing publication source* that there are already nominations for the Nobel Prizes being worked out, and that William Kristol of the Weekly Standard and pundit extraordinaire is himself a nominee.
*The source is frankly pulled out of my ass, but this just means it's even more reliable than Faux News.
Now there is some contention here. You see, very rarely does a person win two Nobel Prizes (last person was Marie Curie, although like a true reporter I refuse to fact-check that to verify^), let alone in the same year. But indeed Bill Kristol was nominated for TWO awards.
His first nomination is in physics. You may think "but he's not a physicist and not even qualified to speak even on politics let alone science" but he nonetheless has developed a breakthrough that surpasses even the discovery of superconductivity. You see, theoretically it was supposed that one cannot foresee the future or be able to always know the correct answer with imperfect information. However, Bill Kristol has shattered all those theories with his ability to be absolutely wrong on everything. I mean come on, how much more accurate can you be than doing the exact opposite of what Mr. Kristol "Ball" suggests? His discovery of himself and of his bobbleheaded punditry can revolutionize computing in ways that are leaps and bounds beyond quantum computers.
His second, coincidentally, is the Nobel Peace Prize. I forget who nominated him but it was the same person who wanted to nominate Rush Limbaugh upon the news that former Vice President Al Gore won his own Peace Prize. We do have official words that this particular nomination is so uncontroversial that the application is going straight into a large, secured circular file. But his nomination is for his work in rallying the USA for the wars in Iraq and Afghanistan, for attempting to go to war with North Korea and Iran, and overall leading the drumbeat to drop bombs--preferably nukes--over foreigners, preferably brown people. Many radio talk show hosts have felt that this work is very important for bringing upon world war and devastating mankind to the point that future war is nearly impossible.
Early word is that many on the Right are quite pleased to hear about Mr. Kristol's prospects. The Sunday morning Villagers have declared their pleasure in having one of their own make it to the point of relevancy. One small exception was Mark Halperin, who decided to nominate himself for the Physics prize for more or less the same discovery in finding himself the true winner [although there is nothing stopping the Nobel Prize committees from giving the prize to both of them for the same thing]. He also stated that Obama's prize was "excellent news for John McCain". While not addressed specifically to the Senator and former-failed-presidential-candidate-although-his-time-on-Sunday-mornings-would-suggest-otherwise, other Right-leaning pundits of comparable competence and agency on the matters suggest this is definitely good news for Republicans, although there is some concern that with this it may be harder for the country to fail.
Mr. William Kristol is likely very excited about his nominations and would likely comment that "it is a great honor bestowed upon me. I am certain that when the time comes I will have won both awards and will be able to continue my work in being a voice worth listening to". We have not attempted contact with Bill Kristol yet and would have not had time to get his word even if we did, but what he really says and thinks is not important, just the story.
^Frederick Sanger was the last person to win two Nobel Awards. He rests after Linus Pauling and John Bardeen, the former in two different fields, as multiple recipients of the Nobel Prizes after Marie Curie. Yeah even with snark I cannot accept not-fact-checking.