Okay! I just wrote a short story, and I need some feedback.
It is a little long for a blog, but if you're bored and want to read someone's premature attempt at writing short stories and help me out with some criticism, please read it and let me know what you think.
Enjoy!
Once upon a time, long ago, there lived a gentle man who went by the name of Christian.
At the time of the events I'm about to recall with you, Christian had been married to his lovely wife for sixteen years. He had an eight year old son and a three year old daughter.
For all their life together the family had lived on a farm living a carefree life until an army of one hundred and thirty seven soldiers arrived on their property telling them they had two choices. They said they came to mean no harm but that their property was now owned by the king. They were advised that the king now owned all the land in the world.
Their two choices were to come live in the kingdom enclosed by stone walls that were three miles high and two miles thick and obey the king's rules or to stay living on the farm where soon ashes would fall from the sky instead of rain, the red and green apples they picked from the trees at lunch time would turn black and taste like charcoal, and the cows they had left to milk for dinner time beverages would bleed from the udders whenever milked.
The family discussed it amongst themselves and came to the conclusion that yes they would need rain instead of ashes, apples they could eat, and a cow that could be milked. They gathered their things and went along with the soldiers, who stopped at every other farm in the area presenting the same two options that Christian and his family were given.
All but one family, the Whites, took up the offer to join the kingdom rather than eat charcoal and drink blood.
After all the farms had been visited they made their way back to the kingdom. Once they were at the gates of the three thousand meter high wall, the soldiers recommended that everyone took a moment of silence for the Whites who would soon pass on without water to drink or food to eat.
After a moment, they began the trek through the walls of the kingdom that was two miles in length. After only half a mile, Christian heard some of the families already talking amongst themselves about how they didn't feel too bad for the Whites because they gave them a choice. After a mile, most of the families were saying the same thing. After a mile and a half, not a single family besides Christian's even remembered who the Whites were.
Finally inside the kingdom, each man who was the head of household was advised that they would have a one on one meeting with the king to be welcomed and briefed of some of the laws of the kingdom.
When it was Christian's turn to meet the king, he was greeted by the king and told to sit with him at the table. The king sat on the end of the table with one eight foot guard wearing golden armor standing at each side of the chair the king was sitting in.
The king told him that he would love life at the kingdom and was thankful that he made the right decision to come live there rather than stay where ever it was he lived before.
"There are many laws, but you will learn them along the way. If I ever do introduce a new law, it's usually very vague and I let the citizens figure out the specifics for me," the king told Christian. "There is only one law that I like to inform new citizens of myself. Did you happen to notice how great and magnificent that wall is that surrounds my kingdom?"
"Yes," Christian replied.
"Well, I built that myself. With my own two hands. I didn't even use any tools. I had one arm tied behind my back while I did it. Instead of wearing my every day boots, I stuck my feet in cement until it was hardened into blocks around my feet and walked on those while I built the wall as well. It only took me three days to build it. I never used a ladder. I stacked the stones by hurling them onto one another perfectly. The last stone I hurled on top of the two mile high wall was just as easy for me to put into place as the first stone I placed on the ground," the king proclaimed. "Do you believe me?"
"No," Christian said.
"How could you deny that I built this wall? You don't even know who I am or what I am capable of. You have known me for so little time to know next to nothing about me. I have never told you a lie before. Are you calling me a liar?" the king asked.
"No, I'm not saying you're a liar. It's just a spectacular feat I have never heard of or even imagined someone to be able to perform. And you're right, you have never lied to me before, so I'll take your word for it. That is pretty amazing if you made the wall yourself like that. I guess I believe that you built it in the fashion you say you built it."
"Well that's great," the king responded, "it will only cost you nine and three quarters percent of all you earn while living here in the kingdom to pay me back for building it."
"So, I'm supposed to pay you for building this wall that I never asked you to build?" Christian asked.
"That's correct," the king said with a grin.
"When you described building the wall to me, it seemed like it took no effort to build it and you were just building it to show everyone how awesome you were and how easy it would be to build such an enormous wall. You even tied your hand behind your back. Can we work out a deal where maybe I pay you only four percent of what I earn since it was so easy for you to do? If you were forced to use both hands I would maybe consider paying the nine and three quarters," Christian said.
"Ah, but it's not about how easy it was for me to build. I built it to protect you, and you didn't even have to ask for protection. I built this wall for you." the king told Christian.
"What are you protecting us from? My family and I have always been fine on our farm." Christian responded.
"You are now protected from me, Christian. If the people who live outside of these walls, get on my nerves, and if I'm really displeased with the lifestyle they are leading I could just destroy every single living creature outside of these walls. I've done it before. I'm not afraid to do it again. You may not be one of the people I'm upset with, but you would be destroyed along with everyone and every thing else outside these walls if I was to make my move. So, you made the right decision to move into the kingdom with us. You're safe now."
"Okay," Christian replied with a confused look on his face, "I will give you the nine and three quarters. You are a very powerful king. It was nice to meet you."
__________________________________________________________________________
(Four months later)
Christian arrived home one evening with his friend, Peter, who was one of the king's guards to find a man brutally murdering his entire family. His three year old daughter's life wasn't even spared.
The murderer had just finished his wild rampage when Christian arrived home and tried to flee out the back door, but Christian caught up with him and tackled him to the ground choking the killer until he passed out. Then, Christian threw the man over his donkey to take him to the king's chambers for judgement.
The murderer had just regained consciousness when they arrived to the chambers.
Christian told the king about the horrific murder of his entire family and told him that the man sprawled out on his donkey was the one who committed the murder and that he had Peter who is one of his guards as a witness to prove it.
"Peter, is this the man who killed Christian's entire family?" the king asked.
"This is the man," Peter replied.
The king told Peter to bring the man who murdered Christian's family to kneel down in front of his chair for judgement.
"Do you admit to murdering an entire family this evening?" the king asked the murderer.
"Yes, it was me. I've done an awful thing tonight," the murderer replied.
"Do you regret what you did? Do you wish to be forgiven?" the king asked.
"Yes, please forgive me for what I have done tonight," the murderer answered.
"Do you believe, without a doubt that I built these walls with my own two hands without using any tools, with one arm tied behind my back, with blocks of cement around my feet in three days?" the king asked.
"Yes, absolutely I believe that you did." the murderer answered.
"Am I better than all other kings you have ever known or imagined?" the king asked.
"Yes, every day I exclaim how great of a king for everyone to hear." the murderer answered.
"Now, since you were brought here to be judged, I have made my decision," the king proclaimed, "I have special chambers made of the finest gold specifically for citizens as good as you and you deserve one. Peter! Escort this magnificent citizen to his new chambers and see to it that he is pleased with his chambers and give him anything that he asks for."
Peter, knowing what would happen if he disobeyed the king, escorted the glorified citizen to his new chambers while the king advised one of his other guards to bring Christian to kneel before him for judgement.
After Christian was forced to kneel down, he asked incredulously, "Why am I being judged? What on earth have I done to be judged for that could be punishable considering the man who just murdered my entire family was just rewarded? I have never even killed an animal. The most harm I've done to another person or another animal is when I milked my cow, and I don't even know if that hurts cows!"
The king replied, "You brought a man to me to judged, and so you must now be judged as well. Do you wish to be forgiven?"
"Forgiven for what?" Christian asked.
The king laughed and answered, "So you have never done anything wrong in your life? Have you never lied? Is that what you think Christian? Are you perfect? Everyone knows that only I am perfect."
"I admit I have done some wrong in my life, and if you are the one who provides forgiveness then okay please forgive me because I have done some wrong in my life."
"Do you believe, without a doubt that I built these walls with my own two hands without using any tools, with one arm tied behind my back, with blocks of cement around my feet in three days?" the king asked.
"Sure," Christian replied.
"Ah," the king gasped, "I knew from the first day you arrived to the kingdom that you were going to have trouble with this. I knew it all along, but I still wanted to give you a chance. I said, WITHOUT A DOUBT!"
"Well, if I said I believed it without a doubt then I'd be lying, so I'm going to be punished either way I guess. What does this even have to do with judgement? Why does it matter if I believe that you accomplished some impossible feat without a doubt when it's so easy to doubt? Is convincing yourself of something that's completely ridiculous a characteristic to be respected and sought after? Is that what I must do to live in one of your special chambers?" Christian asked annoyed.
"One last question," the king said, "Am I better and more awesome than any king you have ever known or imagined?"
"You just rewarded the man who murdered my entire family," Christian said while standing up to leave the king's chambers.
Peter had just arrived back from getting the magnificent citizen settled into his new chambers when the king demanded that he seize Christian.
The king exclaimed, "Escort Christian to the center of town. Instead of hanging Christian the we hang most offenders when punished, lower him slowly and let him hang there until he's just about to die then relieve him and revive him until he's fully recovered then do it again. Never stop doing it. Do it for eight hours, then have Paul relieve you for eight hours, then you relieve Paul for eight hours. Do it forever!"
Peter grabbed Christian and began to walk him to the center of town. After leaving the king's chambers Peter, for some reason, started feeling like Christian didn't really do anything that deserved this kind of punishment.
Christian convinced Peter to tell the king he had escaped custody and was nowhere to be found. Peter, feeling sorry for his friend, agreed to do so.
"Where are you going to go?" Peter asked. "The king will find you!"
"I'm leaving." Christian answered.
The only way out of the kingdom was to climb the three mile high and two mile thick wall as the king had guards guarding every other exit. The wall had never been climbed before. Partly because it is three miles high and because the whole kingdom was convinced the top of the wall was covered in fire. Christian had no choice but to attempt the climb. He told himself that he would rather die in the fire at the top of the wall then constantly choked to death.
Christian climbed the wall to find that not only the top was no covered in fire like everyone believed but that it was a rather easy climb for the wall to be three miles. It could not have been more than a mile and a half tall Christian told himself.
Finally on the other side, outside of the kingdom, he came across the Whites.
"Why didn't your family come with us to live in the kingdom?" Christian asked.
"Why did your family go to live in the kingdom?" Mr. White replied.
"Because they told us ashes would fall from the sky, that our apples would turn black and taste like charcoal, and that our cows would bleed from the udder if we tried to milk them. Just like they told you.," Christian answered.
"The apples still taste the same here my friend," Mr White responded, "Welcome home."