I don't celebrate holidays, and Christmas is, for me, a day to enjoy others enjoying the Christmas. If you celebrate another holiday at this time, I enjoy your celebration with you. However...
talked with my siblings, an older sister (3 1/2 years), older brother (1 1/2 years), younger brother (11 years). Lots of fun, lots of laughter. It is always that way when we walk, even though politically and religiously, my sister and I are at opposite ends from my brothers. All that does not overcome the shared bond of our childhood years, and I am ever grateful for that, even with my separation from my mom (my dad had died some years before), and them, during my years in 12-step and therapy.
But it was talking with my older brother. He just yakked up a storm. When I called, his wife told me he was in the other room and went to get him. Well, he told me, actually, he had been sleeping. He sounded like he had a cold, but he said it was just the sleep.
Anyway, we had a great time talking. But after a while I noticed how he kept talking, not like him at all. As we continued, our conversation swung around to our own medical histories.
Just over two years ago he traveled to India for a dual hip replacement. He did not have insurance, and could not afford to have it done here. Even though he ran a successful construction business... doing a lot of government contract work, by the way... but no health insurance. Why, I do not know, other than the cost of it; I never asked him.
So anyway, off he and his wife went to spend time in India. The operation was very successful and he is maintaining his phys-ed schedule because he knows how important it is. Both, however, will never eat anything with curry in it, ever again!!!
Eighteen months ago, I had a laproscopic colon resection for a cancerous tumor. It has only been in the past couple of months that the ancillary effects have eased and I can sleep without pills.
But, what made sense to me was when he asked if my tumor was cancer. I said yes, and my year anniversary colonoscopy was clean. He got a bit quiet, then said: "I got cancer, too. In my neck. Don't tell anyone." Meaning of course our sister and brother. I promised I would not. I knew that it was up to him to speak about such a personal thing.
That got him on everyone getting together and how important that was. We all live hundreds of miles apart, in different states. The last times we have gotten together was because of a death. There was more of an insistence in his voice this time. I know that feeling.
Anyway, our talk included addictions, and that's when he talked about the drugs his cancer doctors have him on. Pecodan got mentioned, both the yellow and pink. Not percocet, but the good stuff! He said it wasn't percodan, of which I am intimately acquainted, it was something he couldn't name, but it had the same effect. He knew about percodan, this wasn't it. He knew of percodan from his India trip and using it there.
Now I understood his motor mouth. We both laughed because I knew that scenerio, having gone through it many years ago, percodan and darvon... this was before they were "cleaned up, heh heh heh." Take a pill, twenty minutes later cleaning everything in sight and talking like no tomorrow.
He was adamant about not getting hooked and I believe him. One thing I can count on with him is his utter determination about something he sets his mind to do. And I strangely find no hesitation in that belief.
My younger brother, through his work, counsels addictions. My sister has experienced it through her family. Now my older brother faces that situation. Me? I like my beer. Addiction? Yeah. And it's okay.
Am I rambling? Probably. The preciousness and briefness of our life here. And the importance of connections. All of us. It is like a web that stretches around the world, connecting all of us to each other. I don't know what will happen, but candles and cedar are burning for him, for my family, and for all of us.
When I look back on our family's history, so many 'things' make sense. My parents and what they came from, and endured. That knowledge has given me a profound love and respect for them. Vastly different from the 'respect your father and mother' bullshit. Now I see them as human beings and I am ever so grateful to know them in that way. I only wish that they were alive, perhaps we could enjoy each other much better, I like to think so.
What little I know of our family's history beyond that leaves me wanting more, and also being afraid to know. The sins of the parents. What passes along. I can see in my siblings children the 'sins' passed along and I can only hope they gain the wisdom to seek guidance. I don't have kids. Regrets about that? Yes, but also knowing that any children I would have had would be seriously f---ed up. Still...
But I didn't write this to ponder what could have been. Simply that today brought an insight I had not expected. My older brother has truly come face to face with his mortality and it has hit hard. He keeps pushing me to move to his state, even though we both know that is impossible. It is even more apparent now how he needs the connections. But where I live now is my "home."
No politics here today. I write this because I have come to deeply appreciate the human beings who participate here on DK. I find so much wisdom, intelligence, fun, stupidity and wonderful nonsense here. And especially openness... mostly. (Pooties and woozles rule!!!)
All our lives are intertwined, a web that stretches out to encompass our world. Our time here is brief, and it is not about money or power. Even though too many fools believe and practice that destructive life. I will only care for the part of my web that matters now. Take care of yours.