We all have them. Innocuous, or at best, mildly annoying occurrences which bring down the berserker rage. I thought it amusing to share my pet peeves in exchange for others.'
1. McDonald's at The Pictures
I'm partial to a bit of plastic food every now and then, I admit. But when I go to see a flick in the local theatre I certainly don't want to be regaled by the smell of mayonnaise, French fries, and less identifiable ingredients.
2. "Yeah?"
Aargh. If you had to leave your phone on in a cultural venue it certainly isn't good form to answer it unless it's an extremely important matter (life or death, profit or concourse...). Whatever it is, though, you can either whisper or get out.
3. OMFG! We're All Going to Fucking Die.
Yes, things are bad. But we're still at least several decades away from a Mad Max-style future, if it'll happen at all. Additionally, predicting an apocalypse doesn't help activists: If it is inevitable, why worry about it at all? Sit back and enjoy yourself while the going is good.
4. Clap Harder!
People who are the exact opposite of the disaster advocates. No, everything does not smell like the roses.
5. Pink Clothes
Whoever caused pink clothes for women to come back in fashion amongst women who are over 12 should be takenout and shot for the good of mankind.
6. Hair Gel
I wonder, is that goo you've put in your hair flammable?
7. Supermarket bags
I don't expect much, but I do expect a goddamn plastic bag to last at least until I get to the parking lot. Thieving shysters.
8. People Who Claim They Hate Lawyers
When they need us, we become their bestest friends in the whole wide world. Sod that. 100€ per hour plus expenses, even though my usual rate is 15, you bleeding hypocrite.
9. Lawyers Who Can't Handle Lawyer Jokes
If you can't have a laugh at your expense, God help you because no one else can.
10. Peas
Haven't eaten them since I was old enough to spit.
11. Skinheads
When I go out to party I do not want to get my skull bashed in by a group of random idiots such as these. At least the cops, in my experience, hate them.
12. Brits Who Want to Get a Tan
Portugal. If you're pale, like me, you won't sunbathe much, now, will you?Ah, but Brits (at least in my experience) tend to confuse brown with red or, occasionally, scarlet.
The most extreme example was a yoghurt-skinned Brit at a pool in Portugal. He sunbathed from dawn 'til dusk every day. Now, I'm not a doctor but I'm quite sure skin isn't supposed to be violet. Oh, well, he had to be aiming for that Chernobyl look.
13. Religious Freaks
If you continue to show up at my door after I've (i) said I wasn't interested, (ii) threatened to call the police, (iii) called the police, (iv) threatened bodily harm, (v) broke down crying, and (vi) mentioned I'm a cultist looking for a sacrifice, I will probably go Jimmy Hoffa on your arse and get off with temporary insanity.
14. Teabaggers
Cross the name of a porn star with the morals of a Puritan preacher, the views of an ancient Jewish priest, and the brains of Ron Paul, and you get a teabagger: A Frankenstein of metaphysics, an aberration of faith, a pustule on the modern world, the purest expression of modern neurosis I've ever seen.
15. People Who Don't Know What The Fed Does
Hint: The Federal Reserve's own webpage, Wikipedia, the relevant statutes, and anyone acquainted with these is a better source of information than that spectacularly pathetic CT fest documentary called Zeitgeist and the rest of that misbegotten bastard race.
16. People Who Give Their Children Weird Names
It may seem like a hoot to name your son Strawberry Juice or your daughter Marie-Celeste de Lusignan, but that kid is going to get torn to pieces in junior high, and all there will be left will be frustrations and the chance to flame out in a really epic (Columbine) way.
17. Senseless Procedures
I'm a lawyer. We love laws, take them in when we find them at our doorstep, nurture them back to health, keep them warm, feed them, and call them George. Senseless laws and especially senseless procedures, however, first trigger annoyance and then an existential crisis.
18. People Who Rec But Don't Tip
It's very hard to get a diary on the rec list, so it's good form to show appreciation by tipping and excellence by recommending, not vice versa. If you can be bothered to click on a diary, you won't get a finger cramp by scrolling down toward the tip jar.
19. Terrorist Groups Which Don't Keep Up With Popular Culture
The results can be embarrassing. For example, no one can take the Moro Islamic Liberation Front seriously anymore:
20. Dodgy Restaurants
Well, damn. When I order pork I want pork, not whatever crawled out of the gutter and was subsequently hit with a baseball bat and thrown into the pot.