Hi. It has been an eventful week. I took a big pay cut at work and my stress levels are high. Right now it is my first Father's Day (that I know of-BAM!) and I haven't been able to sleep. I have been reflecting on all kinds of stuff all week . I am not a fan of syndromes , disorders or anything of the sort-even though I suffer from PTSD.
God, I feel so weak when I say it-I feel like less than a man.
At 40 , there are few things I am doing for the first time, and this day is just another Hallmark Holiday -but it will be treated as special by my wife when our son takes his nap .
I wanted to talk about my fears, what angers me and my families past. Maybe you can shed some light. Because as the McCaine reaches critical with North Korea and Iran does what we should have done 8 years ago, I can't sleep. I think of my son and the future of all sons and how there has to be hope that none of them will be like me.
I nearly died at work about 9 hours before I found out my wife was pregnant-had I known she was, I may not have fought as hard to live so she could have been well off. I know that sounds insane, but she would be better off with a ton of money and so would my son. My wife is hot, she could be remarried and have money for our son to go to college. This is my own insanity, maybe other people have felt this way ?
See, years ago, in the 90's I was shot while serving for my country. I was actually never in danger of dying-it was in and out about mid calf-right between the muscle and bone . I couldn't have been shot in a better spot . No damage. I will say this, my ability to run at the time was taken away and I really needed to run. I ended up in Germany , wonderful-and that is where the story begins.
My father flew 3 times in his life and one of those times was to see me in Germany. His reason for never flying was he flew once with the Marines and they took him to Vietnam and he didn't want to end up there again.
These things come back to me in angry spurts. My father hated me for 18 years because my mom found out AFTER he got on the bus she was pregnant, I was his attempt at a deferment that worked-just to late. I think his way of apologizing to me was going to Germany to see me.
My family is used to the wounded letter. My uncle Bob who is buried at Arlington was wounded in WW2, Korea and Vietnam. YEAH, SUPER DUPER LIFER. He escaped from a death march after he was wounded in Korea. My Uncle Charlie he was some kind of super Marine, my other Uncle Bob was an Air Force guy, Wheatsie saw France on D-Day and 3 purple hearts, my Grandfather got a purple heart in Mexico in WW1 when he was 14 as a bugle boy and my other grandfather earned plenty of commendations in the South Pacific and never spoke of WW2 or how great it was. I have more-my dad had 12 sisters, his parents had 12 and 15 siblings respectively while my mom's parents had 16 and 7 siblings . You may not have guessed it, but yes , the rest of my family is Catholic.
All this stuff in my family, all the medals we have earned and every generation tells the next-STAY HOME, I fought so you wouldn't have to. I look at my son and I know. I know I will tell him fighting for corporate profits is not what I want-and he has this look of innocence and happiness like maybe he will listen-but my dad told me never to enlist and he thought I would listen, and here I sit, unable to sleep because they are chasing me again.
What the fuck have we done ?
My pay cut did this, triggered all this I mean. Anybody who has 1 bill more than likely gets the same pit in their stomach when they are told they are taking a pay cut to keep their job. I am not special, it just triggers more angst.
The fear of death never bothered me at the point of near death. Be it in the Marines or 1 1/2 years ago at work. Death baffles me after the fact. Because I blacked out at work due to hypothermia I can only go by second hand stories and in the Marines I recall freshly how I was. Believe me, I was shit my pants scarred , don't let me put on the tuff guy act. I wasn't as scared of dying as I was of not seeing my family 1 last time. I never prayed, I just begged my team not to let me die in that shit hole or let bugs get in my wound.
As I laugh now I think I am over it.
Here I am, protecting a package, what felt like bleeding out from my calf and all I was worried about was roaches getting in the hole. Well, them and snakes. I took shit for 4 more years after that about that. What a moron. I was telling them to seal me up if they left me behind. What a baby. God, the stupid shit you remember .
I guess, if you are a dad, Happy Fathers Day. If you pray, pray for peace. If your like me, think about peace.
If you have a teenager who thinks war is like a video game , tell them loss is very different in real life.
Let them know that tract housing does much more than a bullet.
Peace.